What doesn't kill me...

My son, Leonardo

2010-01-08T20:19:00.005+11:00

I know I have totally neglected this site and I really have no excuse. I'm just totally slack. SO happy to see that a couple of my favourite bloggers are pregnancy, so exciting!!!!

Just thought I would pop in and publish a couple of photos of my gorgeous son, Leonardo. He was born on 6th November, 2009. Was 9 days late. I was induced after 8 days, went into labour just after midnight. Once labour was nicely established, they realised that Leo was breech, and a bti distressed, so ended up with an emergency caesarean. But he was healthy and beautiful (yes, his legs were bent right up for awhile cos of being breech, but never mind, his hip ultrasound was normal). He was 7lb 2oz, which I was really relieved about, due to the fact that I had gestational diabetes and worried that he would be a tubby bubby.

Leo is now 9 weeks old, and he's just gorgeous. Although he's never been a big fan of sleeping during the day, he's always been quite good at night, and gets up to feed once or twice during the night and goes back to sleep. He smiles all the time, and is just starting to laugh as well.

Who knows if we will ever have any more babies, but right now it really doesn't matter to me, cos Leo is my whole world and I love him to pieces!

Got milk?

2009-07-08T19:43:00.003+10:00

Yeah I do!!

Found some little droplets of "milk" (looks like water really) 2 weeks ago after my BF's 30th birthday dinner. I almost kinda freaked out, but with excitement at the same time. Since then, I've been able to express some milky drops if I try, but not actually leaking - thank goodness!! And seeing as I don't want to START leaking, I haven't been trying to express any!!

Kicking...

Bean has been kicking all the time now :) Most of the time she's still gentle enough, so I'm still loving being kicked alot!

I wonder if Bean has changed sides, because she used to kick me all the time on my left, and sometimes in the middle. But now she's started to kick me on the right hand side the last few days... I don't know if she's moved, or if she's now resorted to punching me!! lol

Although Bean's still mostly gentle, every now and again, the kick/punch is so hard that it makes me say "OW!" out loud, before I even think about it

A couple of nights ago, after I had gone to bed and was moisturising my tummy, Bean started going bananas, and I could actually see her movements from the outside!! I was so excited :) I've never really watched my tummy before, it's the middle of winter over here and far too cold to sit around with a bare belly!!

DH was on his way to bed, so I called him into the bedroom. I told him that Bean was putting on a show, but he didn't seem to understand what I meant... then he suddenly stared at my tummy and pointed, and said "Did that just bounce?" :) It was really cute. He spent ages then watching my tummy, and telling me to make her do it again... as if I have any control over her!! lol

OB appointment...

I had an appointment with Dr J yesterday. I still love seeing him, he's so lovely! My BP was good again. Bean's heart rate was good - still the best sound in the world!! Sounded like a galloping horse.

Dr J measured my fundal height. He explained to DH that when you measure from the top of the pubic bone, to the top of the uterus, the measurement in centimetres is usually about the same as your gestation. So, I was expecting a measurement of 24cm, as my fundal height was spot on last visit.... oh my gosh, it's 27cm now!!!

I hope that doesn't mean that the baby is getting too big, because I'd really really like an average sized baby!! (Not that I'm being fussy, promise). Dr J just said that my uterus is growing well, which hopefully means that the baby is also growing well.

Dr J also felt my tummy, but he couldn't tell me what position the baby was in. So maybe it's not so big after all!! (fingers crossed)

Symptoms...

I'm still not complaining. Symptom-wise this has been a pretty nice pregnancy I have to say. I'm getting some heart burn every now and again, but usually mild, and nothing a Quick-Eze can't handle. And my ankles have been swelling up, especially when I've been standing up for a long time. I've started to wear some supportive knee-high stockings to work instead of socks, to see if that makes a difference. They're still swelling a bit, but we shall see how it goes! (I'm open to any other ideas of what can help with ankle swellling)

New baby pictures!!

2009-06-06T10:34:00.005+10:00

OK I know I haven't been on here in forever, and I apologise!! I have still been reading along, just haven't gotten as far as posting anything for awhile...

Once again I have to say "Yay" for a boring pregnancy! All is going along well, now just over 19 weeks and had my scan on Wednesday, at 19w0d. Here are the pics... This one is Bean's foot. Some people have trouble making it out... Both pictures are almost the same. The long white areas are the bones in the lower leg. The knee is fat left, you can't see the upper leg. The foot is on the right, with the toes kinda pushed up against the edge of the amniotic sac... kinda cute I think! Then if you make this out, Bean has his/her legs crossed, so you can see the other foot a little bit as well, crossed under.

And this one, (which I think is a little bit freaky looking!) is Bean's face, shown front on. A lot of people have said they think this is a really cute photo, I guess I am not a huge fan of the empty looking eye sockets! :)

The doctor who did the scan was fabulous. After I asked a question about the heart, I had to divulge that I am an NICU nurse, and he was so great about it! He said I should have told him earlier, and he would've explained things better from the start. (I hadn't really wanted him to explain everything too technically for my husband's sake) And he was so fabulous! He showed me all the blood flows through the heart, all the chambers, valves and vessels. He showed us what I assume is all the 'normal' stuff that he would point out, then added in extras so I could see the absence of the common malformations that I see in the nursery. It was fab!

He also showed me my cervix, and said that it is closed and long, which means that the chances of having a very premmie baby are remote. He smiled and said "Everything I'm telling you is music to your ears, right?"

So in summary, it was a very normal ultrasound, and we are super happy parents-to-be! All the measurements that he did were spot on 19w0d so I was really pleased with that as well.

Bean's stats:

Due date: Remains 28 October, 2009

Weight: 265grams or 9 ounces

Head circumference: 19cm

Sex: Still a mystery :)

We didn't plan on finding out the sex of the baby, unless Bean was a total exhibitionist and obviously wanted us to know! The doctor was very discreet and I don't remember him even going near that area particularly. Bean was very modest, and has his/her little legs crossed, which looks super cute on the ultrasound screen. I wasn't even really tempted to find out the sex in the end, I was totally distracted looking at everything else, and I really do want a suprise in the end anyway after all our hard work and waiting for this baby!!

Feelings

2009-05-16T11:42:00.002+10:00

I think I felt the Bean yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I nearly freaked out actually! LOL So as not to get stressed about feeling movement, I was not expecting to feel anything for another couple of weeks. I've been told that with your first pregnancy, you don't feel anything until 18-20 weeks usually, but then I've heard other variances as well. So I figured, let's hope for something around 18-20 weeks, and certainly not start getting stressed out about not feeling anything yet.

Well.

Yesterday, I felt something. It was like when a moth is beating it's wings and flying against a pane of glass. Only much, much softer. A flutter. On the left hand side, down near my pelvic bone.

I stood really still afterwards, kinda half freaking out, half overcome with excitement/emotions. Tears welled up! I was at work, so I went and rang DH to let him know. He said he wants to be able to feel Bean moving too. I guess that's one place where the dad gets left out, cos he won't be able to feel the movement for a long time.

I know it might have been something far less cool, like gas. But I'm gonna make a note of it as the day that I felt Bean for the first time.

In other news...

I've lost my husband. He was working until 10am this morning. It's now almost midday. I thought he might've got caught up at work, so I rang. He left over an hour ago. His mobile phone has no service, and I can't get hold of him. He didn't mention that he was going anywhere after work. I have no idea where he is, and it's starting to really freak me out!!!!

I hope he gets home soon..........

A question

2009-05-12T15:39:00.002+10:00

I have found, predictably, that once you tell people that you're pregnant, they ask you a standard 'set' of questions... how far along are you, when are you due, have you had much morning sickness? etc

I recently discovered that I feel kind of uncomfortable about one of the standard questions.

Is this your first?

I don't know why it bothers me so. Yes, it's the first time that I've carried a baby this time. Yes, it will be my first born child. But it's not even close to my first pregnancy.

And it's not as though I want to tell every random person on the street about my history. That's really not what they're asking. And I don't want my 'secret IF life' to be such public knowledge. But I still feel kinda funny answering that question. Maybe it's because it reminds me of all my failed attempts. Maybe I feel a little bit guilty 'pretending' that they never happened. I'm not ashamed of them, or of having an IVF baby, but I still don't think that I need to dredge up the sad past all the time.

Having a baby, and being pregnant, is a happy time. And I know that people asking the questions are happy, and innocently asking a yes/no question. I guess I just feel a litttle conflicted about smiling, and saying "Yes, it is."

Starting to show...

2009-05-01T17:12:00.005+10:00

Had an appointment yesterday with the midwife at my obstetrician's rooms. I see her twice, and the rest of my appointments are actually with my obstetrician. On the up-side, the midwife always runs on time, unlike my obstetrician who is notoriously late, cos he gets busy delivering babies :)

All was very straight forward. My BP was normal (I was pleased it was back down again. It was a bit high at my first obstetrician appointment because I was stressed.) She felt my uterus, and measured my fundal height, which was 15cm. I think it's supposed to be 1cm for each week? So technically it should have been 14cm, but I'm sure it's not that accurate!

And I'm glad now that I know approximately where the top of my uterus is, cos I was feeling around all over the place in there, and I had no idea what I was feeling!!

Also, she put the doppler on to see if we could pick up Bean's heartbeat. She stressed the point that the doppler is a bit "hit and miss" at this stage. But she found it!! I was really happy, it's the best sound in the world! Only heard it for about 5 seconds, and then there was a swishy sound and we lost it. I think Bean was feeling active!! She moved it around, and we picked it up again for about 2 seconds, but lost it again. She said there was a lot of static, but that was just the placenta... I have no idea why that sounds static-y!!

****************************************************************

I guess I must be showing a bit more now! One of the girls at work touched my tummy today, and asked me if I was preggers... so must be noticeable now!! I was wearing a singlet top under my work shirt today that is one size smaller than I usually wear, and I have been pulling it down all day!!!! It is driving me crazy, and I am never wearing this singlet top again!!!

Presents!!

2009-04-28T16:38:00.006+10:00

Just a short post, but I wanted to commemorate all of Bean's first gifts!!

Above, these are the first (and only so far!) things that DH and I have bought for Bean. First of all we bought one of the cot sheets. All on sale for 50% off!! So I went back and stocked up on all the other matching bits :) Plus, I really needed to get the bassinet sheet set, cos I don't know what type of bed/cot we're going to get yet!!

Bumble bees will match the curtain material that I have.

This jumpsuit was given to Bean from DH's parents :) He says "It's funny because it's true."

This is the first present that Bean got from friends. A bib and a 'crunchy' book... very textile!

Also, when I was 10 weeks, one of my BF's gave me a card, and a massage voucher... gotta book it in!! I'm thinking that I will probably go next week when I'm on my days off work. Can't wait!

Bean is a Teen! Random thoughts

2009-04-23T10:15:00.002+10:00

I said to DH on Tuesday night, "Bean will be a Teen tomorrow." He thought that was kinda funny :) Of course it means that we're 13 weeks now.

I'm starting to really get used to the idea, and telling more people. I honestly thought that the rumour would have spread right through work by now, cos that's the usual course at my work (hey, there's almost 200 women working together, the gossip usually spreads pretty quickly!) But it seems like people are keeping this one quiet... I'm suprised!!

The funniest comment that I got yesterday was when one of the girl's was looking at the 12 week picture. She pointed to Bean's head, and asked me if that was a penis that she could see!! LOL And I thought that it's head would be blatantly obvious to medical professionals!! :P

Another one of the girls was looking at me thoughtfully, and then looked at the picture, and said she thought it was a girl, cos she was getting a 'girl aura' from me. I told her she has a 50% chance of being right.

DH also thinks it's a girl. He always calls it 'she' and 'her.' I originally thought boy, now I've swung over to girl in the last couple of weeks. But really, it's not a strong feeling either way. I guess we will see how many times I change my feeling.

I had coffee with one of my friends on Monday, whose baby I looked after in the special care nursery about 8 years ago. She's so adorable and excited about the Bean, I love her. And she gave us Bean's first present, so cute!! I will put some photos up in my next post. DH and I have finally bought Bean a present also, so I will put all those pics up soon. (Forgive me, I'm on the NEW laptop this morning, and I wouldn't have a clue how to get the photos on here!! Will switch to the desktop for the next post.)

It's getting kinda easier to say "I'm pregnant," although still feels kinda strange saying it out loud, to people outside of the 'bubble' of friends that know what we've gone through.

DH told me last night that he can't wait until my belly pops out! I thought it might be a bit more 'out there' by now, especially since I read that my uterus is about the size of a small melon now... hmmm I wonder where it's hiding? My shape has definitely changed, but it's spread a little more to the sides so that I have more of a 'muffin top' these days... I would really prefer if it poked out the front, that would be cuter for sure!!

The Secret Life of Us

2009-04-19T22:36:00.002+10:00

We've started telling people that we're pregnant.

DH was really excited about it, he kept bugging me about when he was allowed to start telling. I kept telling him, that would be after the 12 week scan.

And so, that means that we've reached that time.

Letting the cat out of the bag.

I told my bosses first, to make sure that they heard the news from me, rather than from the rumour mill. I thought that was the professional thing to do. And they were really nice about it! Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect them to be awful, but one boss in particular can be pretty disinterested about a lot of things in people's personal lives. When my best friend told her that she was pregnant, she barely tore her eyes away from the computer screen. They both said that it was wonderful for us, because they knew that we'd been trying for awhile (They both knew about the first m/c, cos I was off sick at the time that I was supposed to be having a job interview for my Clinical Nurse Specialist position).

So I've told afew other people at work as well. I feel SO weird telling people. It's like, the Secret Life of Us, that has always surrounded our pregnancy attempts and IF, is kinda going public. I mean, we're not telling people about all of our history of course, but even just saying "I'm pregnant" is the strangest thing ever. I'm actually finding it easier just to show people the ultrasound picture and let them figure it out for themselves.

People have been really positive, which has been wonderful. I've gotten so many hugs :) And I'm suprised by how many people have commented that we've been trying for awhile... I really didn't realise that so many people knew that! Or maybe they're just guessing because we've been married for eight and a half years and have been so far childless?

Either way, it's nice to have a positive response to a pregnancy. I know all of my friends mean very well, but of course they are always pretty reserved in their excitement when we get pregnant, due to my poor track record. The positive response is strange, but very refreshing.

I think I could get used to it.

12 week scan

2009-04-17T19:44:00.004+10:00

Wow.

I am so amazed at how such a well-formed little baby can be inside me, and I don't feel a thing. And so far I can't really see a thing either! I know it's growing cos I'm still hungry and tired all the time, but apart from that... how would you ever know if you didn't look inside?

**********************************************************************

When we were sitting in the waiting room, I was starting to think that maybe it was a bad idea to have come back to the ultrasound place where we found the missed miscarriage, and the empty gestational sac. Once I was taken to the change room, and was sitting by myself waiting, I started to freak out a little bit. Had to really concentrate on my breathing, and tried to focus on crap celebrity gossip magazines. Then it was our turn!

I wore long socks, and I was really glad cos they make you change into a gown, and it was a cold night, so the extra coverage was fab :) Turns out we had the same doctor as we did the last time, although I really don't remember him. Guess I blocked him out a little.

Suprisingly, the jelly stuff that they put onto your tummy was warm! I had braced myself for that freezing cold jelly, so that was a pleasant suprise! Dr P put the probe onto my tummy, and on the screen appeared our little Bean...

I feel kinda funny now calling it Bean, cos it no longer looks anything like a Bean! My favourite part is the cute little button nose it has! We could see it's little heart beating away in it's chest, and this time it was clocked at 170bpm! It's really speeding along now, and Bean was asleep at the time too!

Dr P showed us all of Bean's limbs, (I loved the feet, so adorable!) and inside it's head so we could see both halves of the brain. He was trying to measure the skin fold at the back of the neck, but Bean would NOT wake up and move so that he could get a good measurement! He got me to cough quite a few times, but that didn't work. And then Dr P kept jiggling the probe into my tummy (my poor bladder) to try to wake it up! DH said that Bean must take after Mummy, cos he reckons he can never wake me up either :)

Finally Bean moved a little so that he could get the measurement. He had a look at my right ovary, and told me that I had ovulated from that side... I told him that I'd actually ovulated from both, but I don't think he heard me. He said the right ovary is still a little big, but not too bad.

We got a copy of the DVD, and 2 photos. I've posted the best photo. It's the one that I've been taking to work to show people, and I let DH take the not-as-good one to his work hehehe I do work with medical professionals after all!!

Caught up with girlfriends last night, including one that has been in the UK for a couple of years, and we watched the dvd. After a couple of minutes they all got distracted chatting about pregnancy and babies, but I couldn't take my eyes off my precious little Bean there on the screen.

Waving hello

2009-04-04T16:19:00.002+11:00

We had our first obstetrician appointment yesterday (for this pregnancy). Was so nice to be back seeing Dr J after all this time, and with great news for a change. I'm back among the 'normal' pregnants, although I don't feel like I fit in with them exactly. I'm still nervous about things progressing, and conscious of every little change in my body and how I'm feeling. They all look so casual and comfortable sitting in the waiting room.

The appointment went really well. Dr J answered all my questions, and there were no real suprises with any of his answers. He checked my BP, which was up a little compared to usual, but he knew that I was a bit anxious about having a look at bub on the ultrasound machine in his office. It gave us such terrible news last time, and I have a really good memory when it comes to things like that.

Anyway, he got the ultrasound machine, and put it on my tummy (which doesn't really seem any bigger to me, just a slightly different shape maybe) and there on the screen was our little baby!! I didn't look at DH to see how he was feeling, I couldn't tear my eyes away from that little miracle. It looks nothing like it did at the first ultrasound, when it was just a blob on the screen. Now it actually looks like a tiny baby. And it waving at us!! :) The most amazing thing I have ever seen. When it kinda jumped up and then settled again, Dr J said it was showing off. I said it must take after it's mother, and DH didn't disagree lol

It was the most amazing and surreal thing ever. I can't believe that beautiful little image, waving away at us, is inside me and growing every day! I thought this morning, I should've got DH to take a photo of it on his phone, cos the machine doesn't have a printer attached to it. But at the time, my head went so blank of all other thoughts, all I could do was stare at the screen and marvel. And bite my lip so as not to cry with joy :)

Finally, an update!!

2009-03-26T20:14:00.004+11:00

It just occurred to me that it's been 2 weeks since I've been on here!! Time has flown. Admittedly, I've spent most of that time asleep and at work LOL I come home exhausted every day, and have a nap... sometimes up to 2 hours. And I don't feel the slightest bit bad about taking that time for myself, because I've really been putting in a big effort this year to make sure I take care of myself.

I think things are going well!! I'm now 9 weeks and 2 days. Haven't put any weight on yet, despite eating about 6 times a day. But I think my shape is changing, despite the scales not agreeing with that. I feel kinda fatter. Can't wait until my bump pops out!!

Right now the whole pregnancy thing kinda feels surreal. I don't talk about it that much, cos it's not general knowledge yet. And we haven't had any tests or appointments since the 7 week scan. I guess when we had weekly bloods, and the ultrasound, and the appointment with the RE, it kept everything feeling more real, and progressing. Now I've been left kinda on my own, which is sort of scary. I think I really liked them keeping a close eye on how everything was going. Maybe that's because I've had a missed miscarriage in the past, and I'm dying to know what's happening in my uterus!!

My next appointment is next Friday, with my obstetrician. I'll be a little over 10 weeks. I'm excited to go back and see him!! We get along really well, he's been there with us for our whole journey over the last 4 and a bit years, so it's nice to go to his office with good news for a change. I'm also kinda excited and shit scared at the same time, about his little ultrasound machine. Believe me, I'm absolutely DYING to see the little Bean again. But also kinda scared of Dr J's machine, as it didn't find anything but an empty sac last time. Irrational I know, but hey, that's just me.

There's been a couple of rumours going around work that I'm 'also' pregnant. I kept a totally straight face when one of the girls confronted me about it, and I'm positive she believed that I'm not actually pregnant. Another girl told me that my boobs look bigger (Sorry, what? I didn't realise you'd taken an interest...) As there are about 200 girls on staff in the nursery I work in, it's not suprising when a bunch of girls get pregnant all around the same time. Kinda inconvenient for me, cos it starts everyone talking about pregnancy, and speculating about who's going to be next. I've been asked more than once if it will be me that's next... I can't wait to reveal it to everyone, but I'm still too cautious to say anything before the 12 week scan.

As far as symptoms go, I haven't had much in the way of nausea. That's nice, and I'm kinda happy, but a bit of nausea would make me feel more confident about the little Bean! Some smells make me gag, and brushing my teeth makes me gag (almost made me vomit the other day) but feeling fine in between time, apart from tired and hungry as usual. Getting a few more pimples now too, is that my skin's idea of glowing??

Well, I think that's about it for today. I really will get my butt into gear and post more often, I want a record of how I'm feeling and how everything's going, and NOT posting is not accomplishing that!!

Hello to all my friends in blogland... I've been trying to catch up with all your blogs, and if I haven't commented yet, I promise it will be soon. Even if just to say hello :)

Introducing....

2009-03-12T18:03:00.003+11:00

Measuring perfectly for gestation (7 weeks) and with a gorgeous little heart beating at 132bpm, it's...

My baby!!!!

Can't describe how happy, relieved and excited I am!!

Was feeling only midly nervous on the way there, but the time I got into the ultrasound office, I was sweaty (palms and armpits - ew), I could feel my heart rate was racing, and my legs were turning to jelly. Thank goodness DH was there to hold my hand!

I really liked the ultrasound lady's form, she went straight to the baby and showed us it's little heart beating, before she moved on to the other bits like measuring my ovaries and checking other things. When she measured my ovaried, she asked if they'd gotten a lot of eggs out... are they still stretched??

She also asked me if I'd had some bleeding, and measured something next to the gestational sac. I asked Dr W about it afterwards, (he didn't have the ultrasound report yet) and he said it sounded like a [insert medical terminology here that I've already forgotten the name of] which is quite common and is usually behind the gestational sac, and causes some bleeding. So maybe that's been my little trouble maker, hmmmm.

Dr W also said that my hormone levels were quite high, and asked if there were one or two in there... a question that my friends have been asking for some time!! Well, there's only one that we know about!! Which is just fine with me, I am over the moon with one strong little one.

Dr W said that he was not suprised that this one took. That when he did the transfer, he thought "Yep, that's the one." He thinks I'll have to stay on the aspirin until about 20 weeks, but that he'll leave that decision to Dr R, my regular obstetrician. And I don't have to come back and see Dr W until we're ready to the FET.

That must be the best part of their job, he was almost as radiant as we were!

I am in awe of this little being that's inside me. I can't stop looking at the pic!! I already made copies of it, so I can put one in my purse, and give some to the grandparents :)

Nearly ultrasound time...

2009-03-08T12:34:00.002+11:00

6 weeks and 4 days today, creeping ever so much closer to the ultrasound date!! I wish it was closer, I think it was supposed to be right about now, but of course it's the weekend, how inconvenient!!

Had a little spotting again on Friday at work, but apart from that all seems fairly settled. Still taking it easy... I've spent the last couple of weekends sitting around on the couch, mostly watching movies or tv, trying to just rest up so as not to disturb the baby. Hopefully it's working.

I find myself swinging between feelings of 'everything's fine' and being happy, and then stressing and worrying about bleeding or something else going wrong. I think I've kept a lid on it pretty well. I'm trying to keep the negative thoughts away in case the baby catches a hint of them, but I can't help them creeping into my head sometimes, especially when I feel a twinge, or have a spot.

I've also realised that I'm shit scared of my pregnancy calendar. You know those blank calendars you get, with the stickers to mark in different occasions, and you have to fill in all the dates until you're due, and it gives you advice and little spots to fill in blanks? I can't bring myself to fill it in yet. I got it out of my wardrobe, and read all the little bits, and checked out the cute stickers. But I can't fill it in yet. I have filled in one or two before, and ended up having to throw them out cos of course they're covered in irrelevant dates then. I don't want to go through all the effort and then have to throw out another one. Maybe after Thursday I will make a start on it.

We have our ultrasound appointment Thursday at 1.45pm (I will be 7 weeks and 1 day) and then our appointment with Dr W at 4pm. I told DH that we can go to the Italian restaurant down the road in between for a late, hopefully celebratory, lunch in between appointments.

Turns out DH is going to have to meet me at the ultrasound appointment. He'll have to work in he morning, and then meet me there straight from work. I'm kinda annoyed about that, even though I know I shouldn't be. Having a 6-7 week ultrasound without freaking out is not exactly my forte! I know from past experience that my heart will probably be racing and my palms will undoubtably be sweating up a storm. I usually make DH drive to ultrasound appointments, cos my hands will be slipping off the steering wheel!! Hopefully I will cope better than usual this time. We will find out on Thursday I guess.

Quick update...

2009-03-05T17:26:00.004+11:00

Just a quick one!! Cos I'm really tired after work, and starving hungry as usual, only time for a quick update before I run away to cook dinner!!

Had my bloods today, and beta hcg was good again... 31,131!! I have never ever had a beta that high, so pretty excited... finally starting to feel more real now, and a little more comfortable about it. I put my numbers into my babymed graph, but it only goes to 24 days, so my line would actually extend another few days to the right.... did that make any sense??
My nurse called with the results this afternoon, and kinda said goodbye! She said that this was the last time she would be calling me with results, and I don't have to come back to the clinic. My progesterone level was lower than last time, which she said would explain the spotting on the weekend, but still within the normal range. Now only 7 days until we get to 'meet' the little bubba at the ultrasound!!! I go back to see Dr W on the same afternoon, a couple of hours later, and then I think I'll be officially discharged back to my usual obstetrician... things are moving in the right direction!! I'm still nervous, and will definitely feel a lot more confident after the ultrasound, but things all seem to be going the right way, so that definitely helps!

OK I'm off to cook some dinner! Take care out there in blogland x

Just a quick, spotty update!

2009-03-02T18:46:00.003+11:00

OK so I continue to have about 3 spots a day. Just once a day. Just enough to freak me out once a day when I pee.

It's not fresh. I'm not crampy.

I rang my nurse coordinator this afternoon, just for advice. I thought I should probably just give her a head's up, even if it's nothing.

And that's exactly what she thinks it is.

She said she's not concerned, but to let her know if it becomes fresh, or I start getting cramps. In the meantime, carry on, business as usual. Bloods scheduled for Thursday as planned. She said that because I have spotted a little (which is quite common) my progesterone might be a little low, and if it is, I'll go back on some supplements.

Fine with me!!

To be honest, when I stopped the progesterone, I kinda felt like they'd left me to do this all on my own now... where did my training wheels/wings go??? I'm not so sure I can ride/fly by myself!!!!

So, we wait for Thursday.

In the interim, I'm relaxing as much as possible. Clocking a good amount of couch hours.

Tonight I've sent DH out to get me my favourite noodles :)

2nd beta... on track

2009-02-28T18:39:00.003+11:00

Sorry for taking so long to put an update on here!! Work has been chaos as usual, and I've been exhausted all the time, taking 'nanna naps' after my shifts. Plus, have had a couple of things on in the evenings this week.

Had my 2nd beta on Thursday, and feeling fine about it. My nurse rang with the results, 3994 which she said was normal. Sounds like a great number to me!! I've only had a beta that high once before. With both my early m/c's, I haven't managed a beta anywhere near that high. It made me feel a lot better about my chances of carrying this little one. Everyone keeps telling me how strong it is, and we're staying positive about it.

Had a little bleed this morning, which freaked me out a bit. Hardly anything, just 2 wipes worth on the loo paper after I peed. It was fresh looking though. Have been reclining on the couch all day since, and haven't had any more. DH has been really, really good, getting me food and drinks so I can lay around and try to relax.

I know DH always finds it incredibly hard when there's even a hint of something going wrong, so I know he finds this difficult. I stayed really calm when I told him, and didn't make a big deal about it, even though secretly I was talking myself into relaxing. He has always said, that he won't feel really secure about things until we get the ultrasound where he sees the heartbeat. That's the one thing we have never achieved before. Less than 2 weeks now until the u/s.

So, I'm really happy to have the weekend off, AND no plans for once, so that I can chill all weekend.

Next beta is on Thursday again, fingers staying crossed until then!!

1 duck and 2 fat ladies

2009-02-20T18:18:00.002+11:00

Kinda. I think. I'm not really into bingo talk!!! lol

Anyways, had my bloods done today, and it's official.

Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beta today (16 days post transfer) was 288. I'm not really an expert on betas to be honest. The nurse said that they expect a number between 80 and 100 today, and that I'd done very well!! Although baby med says that normal range for 4 weeks + 2 days is 200-300. My friend A still thinks we're having twins :)

More bloods next Thurs, and the Thurs after that, to make sure the beta is rising nicely. Then the (dreaded) ultrasound is the Thurs after that, which happens to be the same day as my followup appointment with my RE, so that's worked out nicely.

I stopped in at my obstetrician's office after work (it's almost right next to the hospital I work in) and started the process of booking in. I know you have to get in early!! Unfortunately he wasn't there, he was in surgery, cos I woulda loved to have seen him, and I can guarantee I woulda got a big hug!! Never mind. Haven't got the appointment yet, cos his books are pretty full, but the receptionist said he's planning to add in some extra appointment times, and she'll get back to me.

It's still kinda surreal, but I'm liking it. And I don't feel shit scared like I have the last couple of times. We're staying positive. We believe that this is the right sperm, and the right egg. We know it fertilised nicely. So now we just wait, and make sure it 'sticks' around.

Yesterday... 8dp5dt....

2009-02-18T16:45:00.003+11:00

OK I totally caved yesterday and POAS. Why? Because the box made some very impressive claims...

Australia's most sensitive test
Most women have enough hCG to be detected as early as 6 days before the day of their missed period
99% accurate
Simple

So I was still planning to do the thing on Wednesday morning, and thought I'd do the right thing and follow the instruction "Please read this leaflet carefully before performing this test." And came across this little tidbit... can be used at time of day. There is no need to use first morning urine. Well, that was all the encouragement I needed!!!

I went and peed on that thing, with my good old afternoon urine :) And as the liquid was moving across the results window, I could already see 2 lines. 2 freaking lines!!!! I had to leave it there on the floor, and leave the room. I was shit scared that maybe they all look like that as the liquid moves across, but then if it's gonna be a negative, only one darkens up and the other one fades?!

Longest. 3. minutes. ever.

When I went back in the ensuite, I kinda snuck up on the test, I was scared to look at it!! But here it is...I'm so stoked to have a dark line!!! Previously, ALL my HPTs have had a faint line, and I hate it so much. I have this pee stick sitting next to my bed, I had to look at it again when I woke up this morning, in case I dreamt it!!

I'm 4 weeks pregnant today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We spent last night driving around, stopping in at both sets of parents, DH's sister (the good one), and my 2 besties. We are still waiting, of course, for Friday's BT, and keeping our fingers crossed for a great beta... but in the meantime, yay!!! We'll spread the good news a little more after that... of course I would tell you girls tho!!

DH wasn't actually home from work yet when I POAS, and the traffic was terrible, so I had to wait a whole hour before I saw him, and showed him the pee stick. A whole hour!!! OK I admit, after half an hour of excitedly waiting, I had a nap!! LOL

My BF A said she couldn't believe that I got such a dark line at 13dpo, especially with afternoon urine. She used the same brand, and despite it's claims, she got a negative result the first time when she did it with afternoon urine.

So, if everything progresses as we're hoping, we will be due to have a little bubba on October 28th!!!

I'm so relieved and excited.

7dp5dt

2009-02-16T16:18:00.003+11:00

And the waiting is starting to irk me. This really is a test of patience, and of my mental stability.

Only a few more days to go.

I had to really talk myself out of stopping at the supermarket on the way home, because I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from buying a HPT!! I don't want to be tempted by it yet. While there's not one in the house, I can't give in to moments of weakness, without a trip to the supermarket. And let's face it, I'm kinda lazy :)

I still have a couple of symptoms, but I can still attribute them all to something else (eg progesterone) so I'm trying not to think about them. And for the most part it's working, thank god. Hence, I'm still (mostly) sane.

I rang my RE today and made another appointment. The clinic recommends that you go back and see the doc about 2 weeks after the BT. My appointment is actually almost 3 weeks after the BT, but Dr W only consults once a week, so what are you gonna do? Really.

My mum gave me a crystal yesterday. She said that she chose it when she was in a meditation class. It wasn't her first choice, but somebody else took the one she was going to grab. Then she got this one (it's clear quartz). While she was meditating, she was thinking of nothing in particular, and the image of a moving (really active!) fetus came to her in the crystal (she assures me she is not, in fact, crazy). And she felt compelled to give it to me. So I've had it in my bra ever since. I'm scared that I'm going to lose it some time when I take my bra off cos I always forget it's there, but every little good luck charm is important at this stage!!

I will let you know when I give in to the urge and do a HPT. I'm kinda thinking it might be Wednesday.... we will see, cos I'm shit scared of getting a negative result.

4dp5dt... Waiting...

2009-02-13T18:27:00.002+11:00

I'm proud to say that I have not driven myself psycho.

Yet.

I have tried not looking at anything, or my body, too closely, and trying not to over examine everything I'm feeling. I know that afew of my 'symptoms' are possibly side effects of the progesterone that I'm taking every night.... such as waking up in the middle of the night to pee every night, around 3am. And being quite tired despite being on annual leave this week and taking it easy. And the sore boobs, which frankly have been hanging around for awhile. And I think I've found a couple of veins here and there that I hadn't noticed before, although I am honestly trying not to look for things!!

Today I feel slightly blah. Not exactly nauseous. But as I'm getting hungry, I feel a bit blah. I have this weird thing where I kinda don't want to admit to anyone that I'm feeling anything. Cos what if the embryo hasn't taken, and I end up with a BFN. Then I think I might feel kinda stupid. Or psychotic, which will probably be not far from the truth by next week anyway.

I'm still ever so slightly sore from collection, too, which I am pretty over now. It's just a teeny niggly dull ache now, but I think that 9 days post collection, it should be about done. They did say that I would be sore, especially because they collected so many eggs, but really.

And yesterday (PS this might be TMI) when I wiped after I peed, there was what I assume was some progesterone gel coming back at me. And a teeny bit of brown mixed in with it. I guess it was old blood?? I had a teeny freak out at first, as we do. But then I settled down pretty quickly. It was definitely brown, no hint of red. And I figure it could possibly be from implantation. Or, more likely, probably just a remnant leftover from collection. And I've had nothing since.

I am trying to work out which is the best day to POAS, any advice??? I would hate to do it too early and get a negative. And so far I'm not at that point where I feel like I desperately need to POAS (probably cos I know it's too early right now, and there's nothing I can do about it). But I'm sure by next week I will be holding myself back from buying a test... or seventy.

Oh, also today we got a letter in the mail from my nurse coordinator, giving us a summary of our treatment cycle. Turns out we have just the one snow baby. I'm glad we have one, I would hate to have had none left, out of 27 potentials!! So I told DH that if we want more than 2 kids, we will have to either make 1 the old fashioned way, or do this whole thing again some day, with ICSI. As I've said for a long time to people who ask me how many kids I want, "Let's start with one, and see how that goes" :)

The big day... Transfer!!

2009-02-09T16:33:00.008+11:00

I now have one little embryo inside me.

It's so cool.

It's so surreal.

What am I now? Pregnant? Almost pregnant? An embryo carrier? A substitute petri dish? I don't know! :)

Arrived at the hospital this morning for our embryo transfer. Unfortunately, DH was back at work today, and being a Monday, there was no way he could skip. So we met each other there. He went to work for a couple of hours prior, and then had to go back again afterwards.

Got admitted pretty promptly, got my labels on again (they get checked about a bizillion times) and then we waited. Seems like we waited there for ages, for the embryologist to come see us. Cos yesterday was Sunday, we didn't get an update on the embabies, so I was keen to find out how they were doing.

Turns out, we had one beautiful blastocyst, and that was the chosen one for transfer. She showed us a photo (so exciting!) and pointed out the nice 'core' in it, and the 'fluffy' cells around the outside, which are apparently the features they look for when selecting a blastocyst. We have another one that's almost as good, but it's core isn't quite as nice. That will probably be our only snow baby!! A couple of others who didn't progress overnight, will be checked again this afternoon to see if they catch up to freezer-worthy status. So that might be it! (btw, this photo is not my photo, but that's what mine looked like)

Then we sat and waited some more. DH was holding my hand, cos I was feeling nervous. After a while longer, a nurse came (another one that's looked after me before) and took us to the "Transfer Room".

OK it's a small room, with a little curtain near the door. There's the world's most uncomfortable looking chair in the centre (I guess I was the star of the day after all), a tiny ultrasound machine next to the chair, attached to a laptop. A small chair for DH on my other side. That's about it. My chair was of course height adjustable, slightly reclined, with gorgeous stirrups at the end (optional velcro straps to 'tie' you down) and a moveable lamp thing by the right stirrup. Woo, what a joy ride!!

After stripping my bottom half and covering up with a blanket, again we sat and waited. My palms were sweating a little, but I was generally okay I gotta say. There is an option to take sedatives prior to transfer, but I've been told that it's better not to, and to be honest I really didn't need them anyway.

Check out my transfer toes!! :) I went with purple, then added some 'Diamond Shine.' In the end, I was wishing I'd worn socks. Even though it was warm outside, my feet actually got quite cold sitting around waiting for Dr W! I made DH hold them for a sec to warm them up a bit :)

Finally Dr W came into the room, and I gave my permission for a student doctor to come in as well (hey the more the merrier in the tiny room, right? hehehe Actually, I know they have to learn somehow, so whatever). Dr W said that we'd learned some things during this cycle. He said that even though we had a great number of eggs (27) we really didn't have a great number of them fertilise. 10 did nothing at all. (9 were too immature, they were excused). Dr W said that although sometimes egg and sperm don't like each other very much in the lab, it was still a low number. So if we have to stim and collect again (please God no) then he is going to do ICSI to improve the fertilisation results.

Dr W almost yelled at the student doctor, who had started to close the door. Dr W said, everyone feels a need to close the door when things are happening vaginally. (Thank God for the curtain!) But when someone is bringing an embryo from the lab, you don't want them to have to take a hand off your embryo to worry about opening the door. Fair point I guess!

Then on with business. Another nurse that I know from previous admissions in the hospital held the ultrasound probe on my tummy. She was fabulous! She showed us all the landmarks that we were looking at on the screens. Showed me where my bladder was, where my uterus was. Dr W put the speculum in (fairly gently actually!) and then passed the guide catheter, and you could see the end of that on the screen as well. When everything was in position, they rang the lab and asked them to bring the embryo. (I know this is long, sorry! I want to have a record of it for myself)

On the screen, you could see where they passed the catheter through the guide catheter, and stopped about 1cm from the uterine wall (apparently that gives you the best chance of pregnancy). Then we could see the fluid passing through the catheter, and then there was a white blob on the ultrasound screen. That's where the fluid, and my little embaby were! Again, it was really surreal to think that the miracle of life was happening right there, inside me and on the tv screen!!

I had to stay in the same position while the lady went back to the lab to ensure that the embryo hadn't gotten stuck in the catheter. Once we got the all clear, the room cleared out. After all the waiting, it happened so fast!! I couldn't believe it was already finished! Dr W said "Hopefully that will be the only IVF you ever need." I kinda hope he's right!! He said that we had a 75% chance of getting pregnant from this cycle, cos there's a 50% shot with each of our 2 beautiful blastocysts. So we're certainly trying to stay positive and "glass half full" about it, and hope that this is the one!

Unfortunately DH had to go straight back to work, which was such a bugger cos I wanted to go and celebrate. So I met up with my mum and my sister, we went to my favourite Chinese restaurant, and had a banquet for lunch. It was nice!

My blood test is going to be next Friday 20th Feb. I'm wondering which day I will POAS, might depend how long I can last for. Right now I'm feeling calm about it, but I wonder how long that will last. I've certainly heard that this 2ww is tough.

****************************************************************************

In other, not so exciting news, our state is in crisis. Saturday was the hottest day Melbourne's had since records began. It was the hottest day any capital city in Australia has ever had. In Melbourne, the mercury hit almost 47 degress celcius. And there were winds of up to 100km/hr. Consequently, there were an unprecedented number of bushfires, all over the state. Some are still burning out of control today. So far the death toll stands at 130. Several towns have been wiped off the map completely. Around 1000 people are homeless. We are blessed not to have been in any danger, although we could smell the smoke and there was a horrible smoke haze all over the sky. It's our state's worst disaster in history.

My well-behaved embryos

2009-02-06T17:30:00.002+11:00

And then there were eight!!

One more jumped on board yesterday afternoon, woo! :) C tells me that they're all doing fine, and all where they should be on Day 2. I am so relieved. I hope y'all don't think I was being ungrateful yesterday about having 7 embies in the lab, I was just stressing about them.

I thought C would never call. I emailed her a little before lunchtime and asked her to call me at work, because I had left her phone number at home. Good planning, Mel. Anyhoo, I watched the phone like a hawk for the rest of the afternoon (luckily I didn't have to discharge any babies today!) and it never rang. Dammit.

Got my mobile out of my locker after work, and I just missed her call. Dammit again. Tried calling her back, but there was no answer. Grrrr. I sent her phone number to DH's mobile and asked him to call, as I was about to start driving. 5 minutes later, she called, SO apologetic that she hadn't called me at work. Never mind, at least she called. I would have gone mad thinking and worrying about my embabies all night until tomorrow's call!!

Took me forever to get to sleep last night. First of all, I couldn't get comfortable. How long does this damn bloated abdomen hang around for I ask you?? And then I couldn't turn my mind off. No matter how hard I tried. Think I got to sleep some time around 1am, which always makes the 5.15am alarm more fun!!

Anyway. After speaking to C on the phone today, I am feeling much happier. I'm still having some separation anxiety, but feeling less stressed about the embabies. Tomorrow I get the call to book in a time for transfer.

Fertilisation Report... Day One

2009-02-05T16:30:00.003+11:00

C rang me today far earlier than I expected!

It's DH's bday today, and I happen to be off work after egg collection, so we decided to go to the movies, nice and relaxing. All my literature said that I would get a call between 2-4pm, so we caught an 11.45am session. And C called me before the movie started!! I freaked out a little, wondering why she would call so early, but all was ok.

She said she was calling to see how I was... well, still pretty sore actually. And it's not just my lower abdomen, I kinda hurt all over my guts, and I'm still walking real slow. Sure hope that improves before my return to work tomorrow!! On the upside, bleeding seems to have just about stopped, which I am loving. Finally, when they said that the bleeding would only last for about 24 hours, they seem to have been right!!

OK so here's how my little lab babies are doing... 9 of those eggs were too immature, and didn't fertilise. Fair enough. 7 fertilised overnight (yay!) And there's another 11 that they were going to check again this afternoon, to see if anyone fertilised late.

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, 7 is fantastic. We are currently referring to them as the 7 dwarves, although I'm really not keen for a Dopey or a Grouchy :)

On the other hand, I was initially disappointed. What the heck are those other 11 doing??? C said that they were able to add sperm to all of the eggs, so what are all those other millions of sperm doing?? The egg is right there after all, it's hardly much to ask for them to do!!! Ehhhh

I wonder if I relaxed too much when they said 27. I thought there would be loads fertilised, and it wouldn't really matter if a few dropped off before the 5 days is up, we would still have lovely quality embies to transfer. Now with seven, I'm a little more stressed about how they will grow. I feel really protective of my 'babies' already, and they are only tiny little dots!!

I'm not sure when I get another report. I thought I might hear something this afternoon, after they checked the 11. But so far nothing, and it's getting near to 5pm. I wonder if C will ring tomorrow to let me know how they're doing?? She's not working this weekend, so she said one of the other girls will ring on Saturday to set up a time for Monday. But apart from that, I don't know. Hmmmm. Perhaps I will ring tomorrow if I haven't heard anything. I already hate being apart from my precious little cargo!!

Egg collection

2009-02-04T13:46:00.002+11:00

I am far from thinking of a witty title today, but hey! I was just under anaesthetic less than 3 hours ago!!!!

Just got home from day surgery. I'm disappointed to say that I'm still really bloated, and I'm sore, but there is nothing else to be disappointed about, because today went AWESOME.

We got stuck in a little traffic this morning, which stressed me out a bit, but still made it to the hospital on time, so I'm happy about that!! DH had to leave me immediately, because he was booked in to make his deposit at the same time as my admission time. I had hoped to see him again while I was still in one of the little waiting rooms preparing for theatre, but apparently he just missed me. Oh well, I'm a big girl, I managed by myself :)

My RE had warned me that he may not be doing the procedure, because it depended on who was rostered on each day. But I was pleasantly surprised when he walked in the door and said he would be doing my procedure! He looked at my ultrasound report and said I must feel like a balloon that's ready to pop, cos there's so many follies in there. I could not disagree with that!

I also had the same anaesthetist that I've had at that day surg twice before, so I knew all my docs, which I think made thinks easier. He's the head of anaesthetics, you can't really ask for better, can you?? He was lovely again, and I was asleep in no time (does anyone else kinda like that feeling when you're going into a drug-induced sleep?? No? Just me? Okay...)

Woke up a bit sore, but nothing that a hot pack and some pain killers couldn't take the edge off. The nurse handed me a piece of paper with my result on it, and said it was no wonder I was feeling sore... (drum role please)

27 EGGS!!!!

I feel like I should be in the Guinness world records or something lol

One of the nurses who has looked after me every time that I've been there told me I'm a mother hen :) She's so sweet.

DH said that he did fine as well, and the nurse said the sample looked good. So now we wait! Fingers crossed for a good fertilisation report, it's DH's bday tomorrow. My RE said that with a high number of eggs, we had a great chance of fertilising some eggs that will behave for the full 5 days, so hopefully transfer will be Monday.

I think I will be even happier once I'm not so tired. I'm always a little knocked out after anaesthetic, even the lighter ones!! I'm gonna go lie on the couch and catch some daytime tv. DH is cooking dinner :)

Perfect.

Ultrasound #2... woo hoo!!

2009-02-02T16:26:00.002+11:00

Let me start by saying, I was feeling SO much better for this ultrasound, than I was for ultrasound #1. Amazing what a decent ultrasound experience can do to thwart one's irrational fear of ultrasounds.

We arrived at the clinic early, traffic was unexpectedly fabulous, even taking into account that it's the kids first day back at school today! We arrived at 6.55am, and my blood giving appointment wasn't until 7.20am. We decided to go in anyway, so DH could read magazines while we waited.

Turns out, most of the 7.10am appointments hadn't gotten there yet, so we were in and out of there in only a few minutes! (much to DH's disgust, he was trying to finish reading the article that he started last time we were there hehehe)

Figured we might as well wait in the ultrasound clinic (next door) even though we were way early for our 7.30am ultrasound appointment... and we got to go straight in there as well!! I rather enjoyed this lack of time to stress about the ultrasound to be honest.

Oh, I went with socks today, because my appointments were right before work. Not too exciting I know, but I'm really into stripes! Can I point out that I also had purple undies, bra and singlet... very coordinated! :)

I thought this ultrasonographer was alot more thorough than the last one. She spent a good deal of time measuring, and she was lovely. (The last one was lovely also). I just kicked back and watched the numbers on the screen. I nearly freaked out when there was one on the left that was 25mm!! A couple of others were 20mm and above, with a bunch of other ones around 16-19mm.

We headed back to the IVF clinic to get the results, and the lady there (not my normal nurse, who didn't start until 9am today) said "You'd better keep Wednesday free!!"

Woo!!! I was so excited, couldn't wipe the smile off my face :) She said that there were lots of follicles, and I must be ready to pop (so true.) She also said it was a really great result for a first cycle. I'm so proud of the team!!

My nurse coordinator, C, rang me this afternoon to give me all the other details. I have to trigger tonight at 8.30pm. No more nasal spray!! SO happy about that!! Tomorrow is a drug free day, also VERY happy about that. And then fasting from midnight Tuesday night, for admission Wednesday morning at 9.30am, and collection at 10.30am. She also checked if I've been having any symptoms of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome... that's kinda scary, I guess the follicles must either be humungous, or in a pack!!!

I think DH was ever so slightly disappointed that we're not collecting on Thursday, cos that's his birthday, and he thought it would be cool to conceive on his birthday :) But I'm stoked!! It's getting so close now, I can hardly wait. Was a little hard to concentrate when I first got to work, but now I have only one more day to get through, yay!

My work pants were kinda unconfortable all day today, due to my embarrassingly bloated tummy. Every time I sat down, I had to pull the waist band up so it didn't sit over my ovaries!

***********************************************************************************

In other news, I found out this afternoon that I didn't get the job I applied for. I wasn't even a bit suprised, I'd already convinced myself that I didn't get it. I wasn't too hard to convince, after my lousy, hormone induced interview!!! I'm a little disappointed, but keeping my focus on making a baby, and looking after myself instead. At least I don't have the stress of a new job to add to the mix.

Ultrasound #1

2009-01-30T11:29:00.003+11:00

I admit that I was really freakin nervous about this ultrasound. But, not the complete mess that I usually am before ultrasounds, so that was good. Still anxious, raised heart rate and palms slightly sweaty, but overall pretty good for me!!

I had planned to wear some gorgeous socks ala PJ, but had to revise plans as we are currently in a heat wave, and today is again 43 degrees celcius. So I had to paint the nails instead, and then coordinate my singlet top and undies with my nails :) I give you "Mint Ice"...

The ultrasonographer was really nice, and the probe wasn't too terrible, which was good. And I was super-relieved to see those bunch-of-grape-looking ovaries on the screen!! I was watching her measure them, so I had a fair idea what they would say. She did measure one at 22mm wide, but he looked pretty squashed, only 10mm high. So I did wonder about a lead follicle.

My nurse coordinator told me to stop in and see her after my scan and bloods, and she had the results there for me! (The ultrasonographer used a back door, and brought them in from next door to the clinic). C said I have about 30 follicles in there!! (No wonder it aches when I lie on my tummy) Only about 6 are mature right now, and measuring between about 12-14mm.

I'm so relieved!! I had this mental picture of having my scan, and then getting asked if I was sure I'd been taking my Gonal-F, cos they couldn't find any follies... phew!! C knew I was really nervous about the scan, and she was just lovely and made me feel much happier. All the scans get reviewed in an ultrasound meeting, and then they call everyone with plans. We're anticipating continue the injections over the weekend, and probably re-scanning on Monday. C thinks the follies will be big enough by then, yay!

So, hopefully we can trigger and collect next week... looks like it might even end up being on DH's birthday, which is Thursday. What a treat for him, producing a fresh sample on his bday lol

Looks like the follies listened to us talking to them, and we all seem to be pulling together as a team, so I am happy :) We had hoped they would be ready today to collect on Monday, but realistically, Monday is not a good day to have away from work anyway, so this is probably better.

Now we just have to think of something to do today to beat the heat!! Walking through the house is like walking through a mine field, there's cats and dogs sprawled on the floor everywhere, poor hot darlings!!!

Aches and nerves

2009-01-28T16:08:00.003+11:00

I am sorry that I blogged about not being sure about the follies!!! Ever since I let those words spill out into the blogosphere, I have been bloated and achey... which I'm hoping is a good thing!! It's certainly made me feel more relaxed about it anyway. Only 2 more injections now before my date with the dildo cam on Friday morning...

I'm starting to get nervous about the scan. Seems like this treatment takes forever, but then at the same time, it feels like certain milestones along the way are suddenly about to happen.

I know that this scan will be different, because it's not a pregnancy ultrasound. But I have never ever had a good ultrasound.

Ever.

And I know that makes me more nervous.

Scan #1 diagnosed our missed miscarriage.
Scans #2 and #3 confirmed miscarriages.
Sacns #4 and #5 diagnosed an ectopic pregnancy.

Consequently, I have great difficulty keeping my nerves under control any time I go for a scan. I think it's a learned behaviour. My palms sweat like nobody's business, and I can feel my blood pressure and heart rate rising, the closer we get to the clinic.

I hope this scan is different. I hope I more calm than I usually am for scans. I hope it shows what it's supposed to show. Come on follies, we are all working as a team here, don't you forget it!!

***************************************************************************

Has anyone been watching the Australian Open tennis grand slam? It's in my home town of Melbourne :) We usually go, but have been a bit distracted this year and didn't get our acts together.

Serena Williams just won her quarter final. She's now the only non-Russian woman in the semis!!

We are in what they are calling our hottest week in a century. Every day for 5 days straight is expected to reach over 40 degrees celcius.
And I am supposed to working night shift all week!! Lucky for me, I had already planned to take the week off on sick leave, only worked one night shift, last night. Thank goodness I am not working tonight, cos I only managed 4 hours sleep... we haven't quite got around to installing the air conditioning yet!!

Needless to say, it is very, very hot. And I am playing netball tonight...

I wonder

2009-01-26T09:55:00.002+11:00

4 injections down and I just wonder how the follies are doing.... nay, I am dying to know how the follies are doing!!!!

I don't know whether I'm getting bloated or not. I have definitely put on a little weight on the scales, but that could just be me getting fatter. Should I be noticeably bloated by now?? How big should the follies be right now? Should I notice them sticking out of my abdomen like golf balls??

Ehhhhh I hate not knowing!! What if I am doing something not quite right with the injections... did I pull out the dose confirmation thingie all the way? Did I press it in all the way? Is it possible not to give yourself the right dose if you've dialled up the right dose??

I drive myself crazy. I thought that I would be less crazy than usual once I started the drugs. But alas, I'm just as clinically insane as always :)

I just don't want to rock up to the ultrasound on Friday, and get the call saying "Are you sure you've been injecting like we told you?? We really can't tell."

Does everyone freak out a little about it? Aside from a touch of bitchiness, and the overwhelming tiredness at times, I don't feel much different to usual, and I guess that concerns me a bit. I would be feeling far more confident if I was a raging ball of hormones, and DH was scared to come near me.

I'm sure it's probably all fine, fine, fine. I just wish there was some way I could tell!!

I did it!!! 2 down, 7 to go...

2009-01-24T12:54:00.002+11:00

I have started my Gonal-F, and I did it myself!! Yay :)

All this time, I have been convincing everyone else that I will be just fine doing it myself. No problems. DH doesn't need to worry about it. I just needed to prove it to myself... and I did!! I am proud of myself. It's not every day that one has to self-inject (actually, for me it is every day, but hopefully only for 9 days hehehe)

Got this cute little mat with it, that tells you where to set everything out, and then has the instructions all along the bottom, in case you forget. Has a yellow square in the corner Place sharps container here. A rectangle under that Place needle here. etc. I think it's kinda cute, like a placemat, so I can 'set the table' ready for shooting up.

When I did the first injection, I could feel like a nervous panic rising inside me, which could have overcome me if I had let it. But I kept it together, and now I feel fine about it. Phew!!

Straight after I did the first one, DH asked me if he could do one. Um, let's recap... DH said he was not interested in doing the injections, which suited me just fine. At the seminar where we learned how to give them, I offered him the opportunity to use the practice injection pen and the fake belly fat, even just for fun, and he was not interested. I'm not sure how much attention he has actually paid to any of the instructions... hmmm.

I told him I would like to do at least a few first, and then we will see. I don't want to be his practice pin cushion, and I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt me. I was thinking maybe I could grab a needle and syringe from work so he can practice on something. Or wait until my first injection pen is empty, and he can practice with that?

In the meantime, I told him that he has to talk to the follies and encourage them :) So we had a good word to them on injection day 1, and told them that we're all working as a team here, and they're expected to perform!

I sure hope they listened

Good day, bad day, good day

2009-01-20T20:08:00.002+11:00

Kicked off the morning with the good ol nasal spray... and then off to the clinic for early morning bloods. Today I was finding out if the Synarel spray has been working, and if I'm down-regulated like I'm supposed to be.

There were a whole bunch of women there, apparently they book quite a few blood tests in for the same time. I thought most women might still be in bed at 7.10am, expect for the crazy ones among us who are supposed to be at work already!

Turned out that I was NOT one of the women on the list. Sorry, what? I don't know what happened. The reception lady got my file out, and sure enough, it said I was supposed to be there!! Never mind, I was in the blood taking room for a grand total of about 2 minutes, I'm sure I didn't hold anyone up too much.

She went for a different vein than "Old faithful," which everyone always go for. Sadly, my veins are deep and narrow, a fact which I grew very aware of when I had my ruptured appendix removed, and required a new IV cannula every day.

Anyway, I thought the blood lady was good, but my arm seemed to bruise immediately. Bummer. It still sporting a nice blue glow now. I'm wondering if the vein she used was a narrower one than Old faithful is...

So after bloods, it was time to head 2 doors down, to work. And today was also job interview day!! I ended up applying for the educator position at work. I got inside info, and I knew that only 4 people had applied, so thought my chances were pretty good. Until I got my Synarel-scrambled brain into the interview, and couldn't focus or think of any good answers!! Felt like a complete idiot, pretty sure I blew it... It is not a good sign when one of the interview panel writes the word "Poor" on your sheet, right?? Wish I hadn't seen that...

Don't think that helped with the headache that ended up lingering all day long.

So then it was back to waiting for blood results. I started stressing about them yesterday. I've been really sniffly lately (um, why is that?? It was 41 degrees celcius today, 37 yesterday...) and sneezy!! I know that if you sneeze withing 4-5 minutes of spraying, you have to spray again. But sometimes I sneeze after 6 minutes, and wonder if I absorbed it all. And then I sniff for a good half hour because I'm too scared to blow my nose and maybe lose the drugs in my tissue!!

Anyways, C called me just after 3pm, and said that my blood results were perfect :) We're right to go ahead and start the Gonal-F on Thursday night as planned. I'm going to have a good talking to my ovaries, and then to my follies when they start growing. I want us all to work as a team!!

At least the blood results brightened my day somewhat, and despite the headache, I got my mojo back again!!

Now I just hope that I really can go through with the self-injecting... fingers crossed please!!

Bleeding again!!

2009-01-16T12:06:00.003+11:00

Oh man!! Just when I thought the bleeding was over... I've got my period!!! Boo!!!!

My nurse coordinator had told me when I picked up the drugs, that it was perfectly normal on the Synarel spray, to either get a full period, a partial period, or no bleeding at all. Of course, I was barracking for the no blood option. And after a few days on the damn spray, I thought we were free and clear!!

Until yesterday. Starting getting those wondersome aching lower abdomen pains, and of course, the bleeding not too far behind. This sucks!! I am going to have to put it down to the fact that I took my last pill a few days ago. What else could it be?? I'm sure my poor lil body is quite confused by now!! Maybe that helps, maybe we're bamboozling it, and in the meantime, we'll sneak a little embryo in there to hide out before it knows what's going on! :)

In other news...

One of my best girlfriends had her baby on Wednesday. Introducing little Charlie...

This is him at about 5 minutes of age. So adorable!!! He spent the first couple of days in the nursery having his blood sugars monitored, as my girlfriend is a diabetic and was on an insulin pump during her pregnancy. He's coming out of the nursery today, and we are going to go and meet him this afternoon after DH finishes work :)

I got a text message on my mobile yesterday from my friend, with a pic of Charlie, saying how unbelievable the feeling is to be a mummy. It was a very emotional text, and I found myself in tears. I have mixed feelings I have to say. It's hard to pinpoint. It's not quite sadness, or jealousy. I think it's more of a longing?? Maybe just a wishful feeling. It's hard to describe. I'm super super happy for her, I really am, and I can't wait to meet this little man. But there is something else as well. I'm sure you know what I mean.

The chicken pox debate

2009-01-14T14:30:00.003+11:00

"The chicken pox debate" also known as "What happened on my birthday."

DH has two sisters, who will be referred to from here on in as good sister, and bad sister.

Good sister, the younger of the two, is happily married, with 2 kids. She is sensible, and thoughtful, and lovely.

Bad sister, the eldest out of the 3 kids in DH's family, has 5 kids to 3 different dads, 1 divorce, and immeasurable amounts of boyfriends (quite afew of whom have been in jail, and/or on drugs). Luckily, when she has the c-section with the last child (who was premature, born at 27 weeks) they tied her tubes, and she can't afford to get them untied, even though she has threatened to each time she gets a new boyfriend.

So.

I was texting good sister on my mobile, discussing what we might do for my birthday. I decided that coffee and cake in the afternoon would be a good idea, and less hassle than a meal. She pointed out that my father in law has golf on Saturday arvos, so we decided on Sunday afternoon instead (my actual bday). Then I received another text from good sister, letting me know that one of bad sister's kids has the chicken pox.

I tried to ascertain when she'd gotten the pox, and if the spots had scabbed and dried up yet, but I was getting mixed messages from my mother in law, and one of bad sister's kids, who lives with my MIL. In the end, I asked DH to contact bad sister, and let her know that we would catch up with them in a few days time, rather than have chicken pox kid come to our house.

Does this sound unreasonable?

Because let me tell you, that I think it was completely unreasonable to make me feel so bad about that decision, particularly on my birthday. I'm sorry, but when we're putting so much time, effort and money into making a baby, I don't really want to unneccesarily expose myself to chicken pox. But bad sister seemed to not understand my point of view.

After DH left bad sister a message telling her we'd catch up later, she rang him, all upset. As if I was telling her not to come because I didn't like her, or some petty reason. When in fact, it was a pretty important and valid reason I thought. She was crying that the spots were all dried up, and in fact, almost all gone.

I also felt like DH wasn't really sticking with me on this one. He was saying things like "Mel would prefer if you didn't come today," rather than making it about the two of us, which I certainly let him know I wasn't happy about either.

In the end, we came to an agreement that MIL would go to bad sister's house on the way to ours, to inspect the child. And if she was less than 100% happy that chicken pox kid was not contagious, then she wouldn't be coming.

So in the end, she came. It was true that most of the spots had gone. She was told not to come near me, so she hid behind bad sister for awhile, which made me feel even better. Not.

In summary, I felt incredibly bad about the whole situation. I didn't think it was too much to ask for family members to be respectful of our wishes at an already stressful time, but apparently I was asking too much, and was overruled anyway.

Happy birthday to me.

And we're off and snorting!!

2009-01-13T14:45:00.002+11:00

I have started the Synarel nasal spray, suppressing my oestrogen. I should have blogged about it after the first day, because my feelings towards it have mellowed now.

The first dose, I HATED it!!! I've never taken a nasal spray before, I guess I've never really thought that spraying liquid up my nose was something I wanted to get into. So, my technique has needed a little refining and practice. The very first time I did it, I didn't spray it quickly enough, and I thought to myself, well that couldn't have worked properly. So I sprayed again.

Big mistake!!

I'm pretty sure that I gave myself a double dose. And I certainly do NOT recommend doing that!!

This is the only thing I can think of to compare it to... have you ever been swimming, and accidentally inhaled some chlorine up your nose? It's like that. Tastes SO bad. Feels SO bad. You can taste it everywhere, overwhelmingly so.

With that first dose, (or 2 doses, more likely) the flavour hit me straight away. It was so strong, I was gagging on it, thought I was going to vomit. And the kinda burning sensation that's everywhere as well. I really didn't think I was going to cope with doing this twice a day. Thought I would end up ringing my Nurse Coordinator to demand the injections instead.

However.

I will admit that it has improved. I think my technique has definitely improved, I'm sure it's more vapourised than it was for the first couple of days. And surely if the droplets are smaller, that's a bonus right there. And maybe I'm getting used to it as well?

Side effect wise, I've had a fairly constant headache since starting it on Thursday last week. I'm allowed to take panadol or panadeine, although they don't seem to make much of a difference. I've been tired, but then I was pretty tired prior to commencing the spray, and in need of a holiday. And mood swings... I think I've been pretty good actually. Haven't noticed myself being particularly bitchy (I even double checked with DH and he said I've been alright). I've been weepy at times, and I'm blaming the spray for that. Cos really, that's still a swing in my mood. Who said it had to be confined to bitchiness??

In other news, it was my birthday on Sunday. I had a day of ups and downs really. Coulda been a whole lot better, but never mind. I will explain more in my next post, cos this one is long enough already!! I have to go and read some more of my book before book club... got about 550 pages to go before Friday....

Showbag with no chocolate

2009-01-07T20:38:00.003+11:00

Had our appointment with the Nurse Coordinator, C this afternoon after work.

I had mixed feelings about it. Last night before bed, I went and sat outside for awhile. It was hot yesterday, about 36 degrees Celsius, but by last night there was a nice cool breeze. I had that nervous-excited feeling.

Technically, I started down-regulating on 20th December, when AF came and brought the BCP with her. But I've been on the BCP before. So I guess it wasn't really something new, and although it was a start for sure, I think the real hormones are a lot more real.

So I excitedly/nervously went for my appointment today, armed with my large cheque, my general consent form, and my diary. Hoping that I hadn't forgotten anything!!

It wasn't compulsory for DH to come to the appointment, cos he'd been to the First Cycle Seminar, and he is not giving the injections. But he left work early and met me there (awww). And I made sure that C pointed out to him that he will have to give me foot massages and cook my dinner :)

After C explained everything (most of it was just reinforcing information we'd already been told before), she gave me my bag full of goodies. She commented that there was no chocolate in there, and DH told her that there should be something nice in there! I told her to make a note that there should definitely be a strawberry freddo included. I'm not greedy!

When I got home, I had to clear one of the shelves inside the fridge door... outta my way coffee, basil, cheese... and now my boxes of injection pens and ampuoles are proudly displayed on the top shelf.

So I start the twice daily Synarel nasal spray tomorrow. According to my literature, it "decreases the amount of oestrogen produced by the ovaries providing a more controlled situation for ovarian stimulation and production of eggs." Oh, and the best part is, symptoms include tiredness, headaches, hot flushes and mood swings. Woo!!

I again expressed my concern over the nasal spray potentially giving me nose bleeds. (I have kinda frequent nose bleeds at the best of times, especially coming into Summer as we are, even tho I've had my nose quarterised twice). C said she's only had one girl that had bleeding problems, but if it's a problem for me, to let her know. She said that the drug can be given via injection, but most people tolerate the spray fine. I didn't tell her I'd kinda prefer an injection... hmmm we'll see how we go.

So, I officially jump over the cliff in the morning... hope I don't sneeze within five minutes of snorting, I have to start over!! lol Blood test is booked in for 20th Jan to make sure I'm sufficiently suppressed, and then start on the Gonal-F injections on the 22nd, if everything goes as planned.

Fingers crossed.

A break at last

2009-01-04T14:38:00.002+11:00

Well, finally yesterday I had a bleeding-free day. Hooray!! :)

I was getting kinda nervous, cos my appointment with my Nurse Co-ordinator is now only 3 days away (slight excited freak-out!) and I really wasn't keen to still be bleeding at that point.

So, 15 days later, a break at last.

I know these last couple of days are going to fly by, and really when I think about it, the last couple of months have gone by pretty quickly in retrospect. There were periods that seemed to drag at the time, but thinking about it now, it seems like forever ago that I was getting my referral for my first RE appoinment. And now here we are, poised on the cliff of treatment, about to jump over.

I know there is a lot of waiting still to come. Hopefully we will be able to handle it without going completely insane!!!

**********************************************************************************

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions, cos I know that I never keep them. This year, I am putting some effort in. I didn't want to make any stupid resolutions that were out of my control, like "I will get pregnant this year." So I'm keeping it simple, and I'm gonna try really hard to keep it.

I am going to take care of myself this year.

Physically, and emotionally. I have to put myself first for once. I think it's more important than ever this year, as we embark on our journey as parents in waiting.

And so it continues

2008-12-30T16:48:00.003+11:00

CD 11 and still bleeding.

What?!?!

This is the complete opposite of what I expected from the BCP. And I am NOT loving this "down-regulation." I read on the BCP info leaflet that it can take your body 3 months to get used to it, and start having proper cycles. I do not remember that kind of carry-on when I first started taking the pill all those years ago... but then again, it was a long time ago, and a different pill...

DH is desperate for the bleeding to stop, I think the festive season has made him horny and he's dying to get some... isn't that sweet, after all these years of scheduled sex, and he still wants me!! lol

Oh well, I'm sure this is the easiest part of it all, and it surely can't last forever, right?

******************************************************************************

I had tried to put my next appointment out of mind, cos it seemed so far away. But it's starting to creep up on me, and now it's only 8 days away! Yay!!! I never thought I would be so excited to see my Patient Co-ordinator, hand over a stack of cash, and get a bag of nasal spray and injections... but I really am :)

Oh, and I've pretty much decided that I will apply for the new position at work. It's a permanent Clinical Nurse Educator position, which is something I'd really like to do. And cos it's permanent, it will be there waiting for me when I return from maternity leave (hopefully next year). I don't know when another position will become available, so I think I should try for this one. If I don't get it, no big dramas.

********************************************************************************

Hope everyone in the IF blogosphere has a very happy new and fertile new year!!!!!!!
Love and hope to you all
xxxx

And finally - Picture Tag

2008-12-28T13:37:00.003+11:00

Wow, I really have been sitting in front of the computer for far too long today!! Making up for not being on here for the last couple of days!!!

OK so Just Another Infertile tagged me for a picture tag game. I guess I had better do my allocated 'homework' and follow the rules!! hehehe BTW she has just found out that she is PREGNANT so please head over and show her some love!!

Here are the rules of the game...

1) Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer
2) Select the 4th picture in the folder
3) Explain the picture
4) Tag 4 people to do the same. NO CHEATING! (cropping, editing, etc!)

So here is my pic...
This is a photo of my cousin's daughter, Paige. Turns out that the 4th folder in my photo folder is the one where I keep all of the photos that my cousin emails me! She is their first child, and she's a little over 12 months old now. After having her, my cousin Louise has gone back to school to study nursing. Her husband Shaun (whose arm is in the shot) is a builder, they renovated their house last year.

Sorry it's not a very exciting photo!! Once again, I'm sure I will get a slap on the wrist, for not tagging anyone else, but oh well.... sorry!!

Tagged! - Random things

2008-12-28T13:24:00.005+11:00

OK so I was tagged a couple times last week, and I haven't had a chance to complete the tasks!! Here is the first one...

I was tagged by Lea to post 7 random facts about myself.

Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

Random facts...

1. All my friends call me G. My name is actually Mel. Afew years back when the movie "Ali G" was all the rage, one of the girls I worked with started calling me 'Melly G.' It stuck for awhile. But Australians hate to call each other by full names, we abbreviate everything, and 'Melly G' became 'G', which is what all my friends call me now. (Are you shocked, my name doesn't actually start with a G?)

2. I have 2 cats (DimSim and Tigger) and 2 dogs (Woody and Jessie).

3. I did ballet for 13 years when I was growing up.

4. My older sister is a witch. I'm a Catholic.

5. I no longer have an appendix. It ruptured in 2003, during the first week of my post graduate diploma.

6. I had never been in a plane until I was 18. The first plane ride I went on was when I went skydiving, so it was a little while longer before I actually landed in a plane.

7. I have been in love with Leonardo DiCaprio since I was in highschool... a little embarrassing! lol

I don't know a ton of people who blog, and those who do have already done this tag... is it cheating not to tag anyone??

I don't get it

2008-12-28T12:41:00.004+11:00

Here's the thing. I've been on the BCP for 9 days now. And I assumed that, as I was starting to take it on day 1 of AF, it would be a short and light period.

But no.

I am usually a 3-4 day girl, and then maybe a bit of spotting for a couple days as a last hurrah. This month, with the BCP, I had a really heavy one for 5 days. And then a few days of spotting. And now, day 9, I'm kinda achy again, and the bleeding has increased. Is this normal?? Seriously, I want to know. And my clinic is closed until Jan 5.

It's starting to freak me out a little bit. I feel less suppressed than normal. Aren't I supposed to be all down regulated??? WTF is going on....

On a cheerier note, we had a fab christmas. The in-laws kids were actually bearable for a change at lunch, and my family all came over to ours for dinner and helped cook. My youngest cat Tigger, did bring in a mouse and dump it by the dining table just as we were dishing up, but apart from that everything went pretty smoothly!!

Hope everyone out there in the blogosphere had a good Chrissie, and cheers to a happy and fertile 2009!!

(Ooh BTW I promise I will post my tags very soon, haven't had a chance yet!)

Lovin my horoscope

2008-12-22T18:51:00.003+11:00

Ooh what with my horoscope from the weekend, and my Tarot predictions, I can kinda see a theme developing here!!! lol I just hope that my body is tune with all this kharma!!!

OK me and all my good buddies had our annual Christmas party at A's house (she is now 14 weeks and still puking) It's a pretty big night for most of us, and we were sitting around outside the next morning eating breakfast on the patio (eggs, bacon and sausages on the bbq, with toast and hash browns). J starting reading out everyone's horoscopes, and I have gotta say that mine was easily the best!!! (This was my horoscope the day after starting BCP)

Capricorn:
You have lots of reasons to celebrate, now and well into the new year. Many plans are coming to fruition and tough times are behind you. You're entering a yearly personal pleasure peak; it could even be one of the best times of your life. You deserve it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

How good is it??

I'm trying so hard to find a good balance of excitement and positivity, and realistic-ness towards this cycle (I am aware that is not a word but hey). I think I'll stay positive and happy during the festive season, and then knuckle down with the reality once I start my drugs next year... ok at least I'll try!

And here she is!

2008-12-20T10:13:00.003+11:00

AF is here, and welcome!!!

My sister said she's never seem someone so happy to get their period :)

My nurse co-ordinator told me that we would probably do a standard 17-day BCP down regulation cycle. But as the clinic closed yesterday, and my appointment with my nurse is on Jan 7 (2 days after clinic reopens), she said that if I end up being on the BCP for a few extra days, it won't make any difference at all. And since I got AF today, that makes for an 18-day BCP course.

Almost perfect timing, I'm so happy!!!

Plus, I had thought that she might hold off and then come along on Christmas Eve, which woulda sucked a bit, but now she'll have been and gone by then, so even better I say!!!

Just feels so good to finally be getting started. This last 4 years has been a really long time.

I remembered about a week ago, that back when I fell pregnant the first time, I had my Tarot cards read. At the time I thought it was strange that the girl didn't pick up on the fact that I was pregnant, although when I later found out that the pregnancy had miscarried at about 5 weeks and I was merely the proud carrier of an empty gestational sac, that made far more sense.

Anyway, that pregnancy was due in September. And the Tarot reader told me that my first born would be a girl, and that she would be a Libran. Libra covers a bit of September, and about 3 weeks of October. So of course, I had assumed that she was talking about my current pregnancy, and thought nothing more of it.

But then it popped into my mind again recently, I don't know why. I calculated that if this cycle works, our baby would be due in October... Coincidence? I hope not....

Waiting.

2008-12-17T17:41:00.003+11:00

I hate waiting.

I've run out of appointments.

Just waiting for Flo.

I picked up my script of BCP the other day. How fun. The pharmacy girl asked me if I'd taken it before, and altho I've taken a BCP before (afew years ago now), I hadn't taken that particular one, so I answered "No." So she screamed out to the pharmacist to come and talk to me. I've realised now, the correct answer to the question, would have been "Yes."

I explained to the pharmacist that I'd taken the pill before, just not this particular one. Then he asked me if I was taking it as a contraceptive, or for something else. I must say I was suprised by the question, I thought all 'regular' people took the BCP to prevent pregnancies. I stated that it was for IVF. He decided that my doctor would have already told me more about this BCP than what he could, and as I didn't have any questions, he happily disappeared again.

I couldn't help but feel then that the pharmacy girl was judging me. She probably wasn't, but having my IF 'out there' hardly makes me feel warm and comfortable.

So now I have my BCP tucked away in the cupboard waiting.

CD27.

I feel kinda irritable and a little bitchy today. Which could be the lack of sleep last night, and the bit of christmas shopping that I threw in after work. Or maybe.....

I asked DH if I could be bitchy to him for a while, just to get him used to it for next month :) Sadly, he declined my kind offer. He is convinced that I will be one of those people who is unaffected by hormones... Hmmm...

Ooh in unrelated news, I have decided that I love love love giving presents to people. But I totally hate shopping. People are so rude, I get irritated as soon as I get to the shopping centre, and that does not make for an enjoyable shopping trip!!

Ready for action

2008-12-09T21:11:00.003+11:00

OK I think we are officially ready to start treatment!!!

I asked D if he was ready, and he said "Bring It ON!" so I guess we are ready! lol

Tonight was our final appointment before it's time for AF and BCP. My BBT tells me that I ovulated a few days ago, back into the swing of my Day 14 ovulation, so hopefully that means I'm back to a 28 or 30 day cycle, and AF will arrive pre-Christmas.... fingers crossed, cos really, every day counts for me!!! Let's get this show on the road!!!!

We went in to the clinic tonight for a "First Cycle Seminar", with all the other newbies that are about to embark on their IVF Journeys. I had thought it would be a somewhat smaller group, as they run these sessions every week, and that maybe we could find some 'cycle buddies' to befriend. But alas, there were about 15 couples there, and nobody was chatty, or even sat next to any other couples really!! There were spare seats between each couple!

We covered a lot of ground that I already knew (actually crossed my mind that maybe I'm too much of an expert on contraceptive pill down regulation cycles, and I haven't even started yet. I have, however, studied the website, been to another seminar, studied the handbooks, and chatted to a friend of mine who has been through a stimulated cycle.) It was all presented by the head of the Nursing Staff at the clinic, and she was fabulous. Very informative, friendly and approachable. She went through how the cycle works, when you have to take the meds etc, all of which I've been through before.

We got a little bag of goodies to play with and look at. D was repulsed by the progesterone pessary, which I found quite amusing :) We all got out of Gonal-F demo pens, and a piece of fake stomach, and the Nurse said that she was assuming the guys were all gonna do the injections, and pretty much all the guys nodded. No way jose!! D is not doing mine. It's such a teeny little needle, so easy to use! Makes me feel like a diabetic actually, it's so similar to an insulin needle. I'm suprised more chicks weren't gonna do their own injections. I asked D if he wanted to play with the pen and the fake stomach fat, but he's not interested. I told him that I'd prefer to do it myself, and if the trigger is an intramuscular injection, I know plenty of nurses who have offered to take care of that one for me too. So, no deal on the D doing injections. No Sir.

At the end of the session, everyone cleared out pretty quickly. We hung back so that I could ask a quick question about what payment methods are acceptable for my appointment in Jan when I pick up my goodies and hand over a large sum of money.

Apparently Australia is probably the best place in the world to get IVF, as far as money is concerned. Most of the meds are actually covered by the government (except for the Synarel) and we have a fab government health care scheme, which will refund a couple thousand dollars back to us after we've made the upfront payment. The nurse said that couples come over to Australia from Asia and other countries some time, just to have their IVF, and then go back home to see out their pregnancy and have their babies.

You may want to look away if you're American, cos I'm gonna tell you how much we're paying for our treatment.... It's about $4600 upfront. That includes most meds. My health insurance covers us for 100% of my day surgery for ER. And then the government gives us back about $2000 or so. Lucky, huh?!? Of course we have to pay for our clinic visits, ultrasounds, blood tests etc separately, but I still think we get a great deal over here!!!

So that's it for appointments!!

Ready to roll....

Quiet week

2008-12-04T10:40:00.004+11:00

In my wonderful scheduling of one appointment a week, in my efforts to keep the year rolling along, I managed to schedule none this week... so it's kinda quiet on the IF front. Actually I had thought that after my RE appt last week, there mighta been some more to schedule, but no! We've apparently completed all of our workup, so nothing new. Hmmm. And then only one appointment next week, and I'm done until Jan 7!

Had the worst shift ever on Monday. Seriously. About half way through it I already awarded it that title, but it didn't get any better!! (I work as an Associate Nurse Unit Manager of a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit - that means I'm the boss of the shift, looking after babies on life support) I'm not gonna go into it cos I really don't want to relive it again, but some highlights included admitting 4 babies onto life support, personally assisting with 2 intubations, one pulmonary hemorrhage successfully resuscitated, cardiac massage on another little treasure, and personally attending the delivery of a 29 week baby, because I had no staff left that were free to attend it!!! Aaaargghhhh!! That is by far the closest that I have come to having a meltdown at work.

In conclusion, there is no way that I want to have to deal with a shift like that around ER etc, (not just because of the sick babies, but the stress was phenomenal!) so as soon as I get to work today, I'm planning to put in an annual leave application for one of the first weeks in Feb, and hope that my timing is about right!!!!

A brief thought...

2008-12-01T11:26:00.002+11:00

Last night at netball (I play mixed netball twice a week) we got a new fixture for our Sunday night team. Our last game for the year is December 14, and next year's first game is Feb 1. My friend K excitedly pointed out to me that December 14 might be my last game for a long time.... exciting, no?

Downs and Ups

2008-11-29T13:43:00.002+11:00

We had our appointment with Dr W on Thursday. I really didn't have much of an idea what we would be discussing, or what this appointment involved. All Dr W had said at the last appointment was that 'they make you come back and see me again before we start the treatment.'

Ok....

So I shouldn't have gone into that appointment with any expectations then I suppose. But hey, I can't help myself!! I assumed that we would be making some sort of treatment plan.

When we first went into his office, he already put me off a bit. He clearly hadn't looked at our file before we'd walked in for the appointment. The first thing he asked was if we'd gone away and had all of our testing done since the last appointment... I panicked a little bit. He hadn't ordered any tests that I knew of, except for the bloods!!! Then upon actually looking at our file, he remembered that Dr J had already taken care of all of our workup.

He then proceeded to fill out our "Activation" form, taking down all our test results, prescribing me a starting dose of something, and making a note that I need to commence aspirin after transfer (we had already discussed that previously). Then he gave me a script for the pill, and before I could start asking questions, he was on his feet and starting to head for the door.

I was exhausted anyway, from attending the appointment immediately after my 8th day in a row of working. In the 3 second pause, I convinced myself that the questions I had were either silly, or could be answered by my patient co-ordinator (nurse), and we left.

I felt so lousy, really flat. I lost my mojo :(

DH and I had arrived in separate cars, straight from both our workplaces, and left again separately. My mobile phone battery had just died on the way to the appointment. So I felt so alone sitting in my car, by myself, dead phone, feeling like shit. And of course a song came on that always reminds me that I still don't have a baby.
Good times. Goooood times.

Then of course I started to doubt myself. I was thinking, if I feel like this after a simple little appointment, how on earth will I cope with everything else??? How can I possibly get through this treatment? I'm obviously not as strong as I thought, and I was just kidding myself.

So the next day, I rang my patient co-ordinator, C. And she was fabulous. So lovely, so helpful. It was like the ray of sunshine that I needed after my mojo had up and left me the night before. I didn't have to beg to be able to start down-regulating in December, didn't even have to ask. That was just the plan that C made for me.

So now it's official.

I get to start taking the pill in December, in order to make a baby at the end of January :) Hooray for getting my mojo back quick!

Although the clinic is closed from Dec 19 - Jan 5, C will be in the clinic on Dec 27. I have to call her that day and let her know which date AF arrived on, and she will work out all my dates for me. And I have an appointment to call in and see her on Jan 7 to pick up my drugs, woo!!

Happy Birthday to me, I get a big bag of drugs as a present!! I must have been good this year :)

Random Ramblings

2008-11-24T20:59:00.003+11:00

Warning, this really is a few different thoughts from my head spewed onto the page...

I ran into my obstetrician, Dr J this morning at work, on my way to the kiosk for a coffee. I have to say, I still really really love that man. (Don't tell DH). He is one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever met in my life!! He stopped and asked me how things were going, and what was happening with cycling etc, he had really hoped we would be able to squeeze in a cycle pre-Christmas. I gave him the update, and he was so excited that we would be getting things underway soon :)

My BF, A, had her 12 week appointment with him (yes, she has tried to steal my obstetrician hehehe) He said that quite a few of the girls from NICU come and see him, and she told him that we are BF's. He told her that he really hopes we are pregnant soon, and come back to his care. Did I mention how much I really love that man??

AF arrived a couple of days ago. I have been plotting my BBT and I seriously think that it's like magic, the way your temperature plummets when AF arrives!! Seriously, that is pretty cool. Anyway. I realised that this is probably (hopefully) my second-last period for a long time.

And this is our last month before cycling.

I am excited.

I am relieved.

I am nervous.

I have mixed emotions about our last month of doing it the old fashioned way.

Our counsellor said something which really stuck with me. When you get pregnant the old-fashioned way, you're combining any egg, with any sperm. Whereas when you do IVF, they are putting the best of your ingredients together, watching them grow, and then choosing the best one to put back.

So here's my current confusion.... do I want to chance this month on any egg and any sperm? Or just wait the month out, and go for the best. I really don't know what to do. I think I'm really nervous that if we get pregnant naturally this month, things will go wrong again, and our good shot at it will be delayed even further.

I would be annoyed with myself if I delayed the process. Would I be annoyed with myself if I didn't give it one last shot?

I'm not so sure.

Cos I think I am ready for this. I think I am ready for the IVF.

I know I am ready to be pregnant.

Our Wedding Anniversary

2008-11-23T16:57:00.005+11:00

Just thought I would liven up my blog with a few pics of from our night away for our Wedding Anniversary on Tuesday...

I decided that we should get away for the night, somewhere fabulous and relaxing, before we head into IVF first thing in the new year. And DH agreed, woo!

So we spent the night in a 'Rainforest Retreat,' our own little 2 storey cottage surrounded by ferns and forest. Bedroom upstairs, with gas log fire. Lounge downstairs with 2 person spa, and 42 inch plasma tv (DH was very excited about that!). I organised in-suite massages for us when we arrived, and we got robes to wear, and take-home slippers, how pampering!! Plus a pack of bath treats, to use while we were there, and take home the left overs.

Left there feeling so relaxed!! Now it's only Sunday, and I already need another massage cos work has been so busy as usual lol I think I should use the upcoming IVF as an excuse to get a fortnightly massage.... hmmm....

SPRUNG!!

2008-11-21T10:13:00.002+11:00

(Oh, thank god my internet is working again, I was totally having withdrawals!!!)

I tried to book all our appointments that have anything to do with IF and getting knocked up, about a week apart, to make me feel like things are still rolling along until the end of the year, even though I know we have to wait until Jan to really get things moving.

So Wednesday night was a seminar held by my IVF clinic. Most of the appointments that we have with them, are held in the rooms at the clinic. However this was more of a general introductory seminar, and open to the general public, not just us 'card-holders', so it was held in one of the lecture theatres at the hospital where I work. And there was the problem.

I'm pretty selective about who I allow in to our 'secret life of IF'. Our close friends know. My family knows. That's it. So when one of my colleagues and her husband joined the group of us waiting outside the lecture theatre, I felt seriously sprung. And totally powerless about it!

On the upside, we were sprung by J, the music therapist who works on our ward, who is such a lovely, fabulous woman that I get along with really well (isn't that typical, wouldn't be a total bitch, undeserving of children that has IF issues, no no no!) After the seminar (which was ok, but a lot of stuff that I've heard before, now that we've already attended our counselling etc) she wished us good luck, said she hoped to see me 'raging around the unit on hormones soon.' I wished her good luck as well, said I'd be totally understanding if she was ever really agro at work, and then we left.

And I kinda get the feeling that we shall never speak of this again. Kinda felt like we were both attending a secret meeting, with exclusive membership of course, but the kinda meeting that absolutely never gets mentioned again.

Really hope I don't feel awkward next time I see her at work.
Really hope she doesn't feel awkward next time she sees me!

Although we're far, far, far from veterans at this stage (we haven't actually got started yet!) I still felt like we were so much further along than everyone else there. Based on the questions they were asking, I think that introductory lecture was the first step they've taken in their journey. Whereas we've already had investigations, appointments, we've registered, we've had our counselling...

Next appointment is next Thursday, we go back to see Dr W. I think we get to make a treatment plan, which will involve me informing him that I want to start the pill in December, so that I'm ready to start sniffing synarel in January. Found out the clinic reopens on Jan 5, so that should be fine. I have decided! lol

One more thing checked off the list

2008-11-11T14:49:00.002+11:00

This morning DH and I attended our compulsory counselling session at the IVF clinic. We really weren't sure what to expect from it. They made it clear that it was not intended as an interview, or selection process, or anything like that, but wasn't really clear what it was intended for.

Our counsellor turned out to be really nice. She asked us about our history, and what had brought us to this point in our lives. She asked a few questions about our feelings, and how we cope with stress and anxiety, but nothing too touchy-feely so that was good. She stressed to me that the hormones can set off bouts of depression, particularly in people who have a past history of mental illness, and said it's important for them to know about any history like that before getting started. She was so insistent, I almost wished I did have a past history of mental illness, seemed kinda like that would made her happy!

Apart from that, she explained the whole IVF process, with groovy pictures (woo!) so that we understood how everything was done and why. (I really, really did not like the picture of them retrieving the eggs by injecting through the vaginal wall - ouchie!!) DH got to play with the injection device, and check out the nasal spray. We got another handbook to read, and a consent form (13 pages) to read through and bring to our next appointment with Dr W.

So one more appointment checked off the list! I am still happy that I spaced them all out, especially since the counsellor said there is no way we will be able to fit in a cycle pre-Christmas. Damn that clinic, they close on December 19th!! Christmas has never been so inconvenient...

Reading through the material, I have convinced myself and DH that I could at least go onto the pill in December when the red menace arrives for her Christmas special, since I don't have to start synarel until Day 17, which will be January by then anyway... hmmm just have to convince Dr W of this fact when I see him at the end of this month :)

In other news, my Fertility Friend reckons I probably ovulated on CD17, despite the dud OPK... if that's true, then we still timed things well this month, despite straying from our usual sex-every-other-day routine. So I'm not beating myself up so much about it now.

Yay me :)

Ehhhhh

2008-11-08T12:02:00.004+11:00

I'm starting to wonder why I thought it would be a good idea to chart temperatures, and use better OPKs, and generally just stress myself out more than usual.

I hate the OPKs. They never smile at me. Why?? I just want one freakin smiley face for Pete's sake. I'm now CD19 and no smiley face. So that has thrown off our usual 'love-making' plan. And now I'm pretty sure that we have somehow managed to miss the 'fertile window' and once again I am not pregnant. And I'm gonna have to blame the OPKs. Period. Cos if they weren't a blank face every day, I would not have waited to have sex. I'm annoyed with myself.

So today I got onto a website where you can enter your BBTs, and it draws a lovely little chart for you and predicts your date of ovulation based on your temperature. And according to that chart, I probably ovulated on CD16. And yet the smiley face was blank. I'm going to go insane. Even more so than usual I mean.

And when I start my injectables, do I have to wait for my period to come?? Cos I'm due at the end of the month, which would mean I'll have to wait until the end of January. Which adds on almost an extra month to the wait. Dammit I wanna start already. Shift this responsibility to someone else for a change!!!

I'm so over this, I can't believe I used to think that getting easy would be so easy.

Declaring War

2008-11-05T17:39:00.003+11:00

Seriously, I'm gonna declare war on my uncooperative ovaries very very soon. What the?? Day 16 and still no smiley face. As if I needed more to worry about Grrr Are they trying to sabotage my last 2 months of hopeful trying??? I think there may be some protest sex today...

Unrelated to that, my friend A (who is now 8 weeks) and I went to visit a friend M on Saturday night. We met when A and I looked after M's premature baby in our NICU almost 8 years ago (God that makes me feel old). Anyway, M is totally gorgeous, inside and out. She had a miscarriage before her premmie, and she is very understanding about what D and I have been going through, and very excited about us recently progressing to IVF referral. A took the opportunity during the visit to tell M her news, and of course M was very excited, even cried a little. Then I got this lovely lovely text message on my phone on Sunday...

"Great to see you and A last night. Fab news for her & Matt :) V exciting! Hard on u I know. Here if you need a cuppa or to vent. Even though u really happy 4 them, its hard not 2 wish it was u 2. Call if u need. In the mean time focus on all ur appointments & the new year will b here b4 u know it. Stay strong xx"

Such a nice change from ass-vice, it made me cry a little bit.

I was wrong

2008-11-04T22:37:00.001+11:00

Okay I was totally wrong.

Still no smiley face today.

Still not feeling better about it!!

Fingers crossed for tomorrow....

Here Mr Smiley Face...

2008-11-03T22:35:00.002+11:00

Day 14 and still blank faces.... what?!? I'm usually an ovulate-on-day-14 kinda gal, so where the heck is my smiley??

I can't help but feel a little disheartened already, like what was I thinking, that suddenly we would be able to perform this miracle on our own. My temperature has been low for two days, but no smiley face...

DO NOT MESS WITH ME, BLANK FACE!!!

I'm not really that distraught yet, but work was pretty chaotic today and stressful (I am the boss for the shift). There are no neonatal intensive care beds in the whole country. The whole country!! So we just have to keep squashing more babies in to our nursery, and magically finding more ventilators to attach them to, and summon up more intensive care trained staff to look after them... and tomorrow is a public holiday, aarggh!!!

That's all really for today. I'm sure next time I will be all happy again, there will be a smiley face tomorrow for sure :)

Project Hump-N-Hope

2008-11-02T15:00:00.004+11:00

It's officially in full swing.

4 weeks until our next RE appoinment.

Approx 2 months until we start IVF treatment.

It's on baby!!!

I've gone all out for our final 2 months of "old-fashioned" trying. Smiley face OPK (those two line ones were seriously doing my head in), charting my temperature (even on my days off work when I should be sleeping in!). D is also totally focused, and remains excited about having sex on allocated days, bless his heart! We're both still taking our fertility boosting multivitamins. We're going away in a couple of weeks to a B&B in the nearby rainforest area for our wedding anniversary, spoiling ourselves with in-suite massage and aromatherapy spa...

No LH surge today, but when it does... look out!!! We are going full force for our last 2 months, can't say we're not trying hard enough!!!!!

I've officially joined the club!!!

2008-10-28T16:58:00.003+11:00

Welcome to me!! lol

Guess what was in the mail today when I got home? Membership cards for our IVF centre!! lol Okay okay, technically they are not membership cards, they're called 'ID cards' or something boring, but they're laminated cards with our info on one side, and the IVF clinic's details on the other... and I have my very own number, so I reckon I'm a member now!!

To be honest, it was slightly scary to find this tangible evidence of our membership to the IF club. I guess it's rock solid now, no denying it (tell that to my mother). And I guess I was feeling a little lost, seeing as I wrapped up my preliminary stuff only 1 day after our RE appointment, and it felt like just a long wait for something else to happen... then, suprise!! A very discrete white envelope with no distinguishing logos or anything on it turns up in the mail and now...

We're officially in the club!

Make room, gang :)

Mother dear

2008-10-26T16:59:00.002+11:00

Ever since we uttered the words 'IVF' my mum has been really weird about it. If I mention IVF, she's all dismissive, telling me "You won't need that." And in the last week, whenever I've filled her in on doctor's appointments etc, she's made comments like "As long as that makes you happy." She's been driving me insane!!!!

After I had the laparoscopy in August, she told me that she thinks there's a mental barrier that's been stopping us from falling pregnant (OK seriously, I don't think my uterus is that in tune with what my brain is thinking) and she said that she can totally understand that I would be scared to get pregnant again, after all our losses, but she thought that now I would be able to move on and get pregnant.

So I went to her house for a coffee this morning, to chat about IVF and what is happening, and try to suss out what the issue is with her. I think it was really worthwhile actually. Turns out that she just doesn't understand why we're going for IVF when we know that I can get pregnant. I told her that previously that was true, IVF never used to be an option for us. But I pointed out to her that it has been a good 18 months since I have made a baby the old fashioned way, (Not for lack of trying) and that this is a new problem, that IVF can help us with.

She seemed to go along with that alright, and understood the rationale behind seeking treatment. Then she asked me if the counselling session would deal with psychological issues that are preventing me from falling pregnant.

So basically, my mum still thinks I have a psychological problem. I can't help feeling abit offended by that, when I really truly think that I have coped with the last four years pretty fucking well, considering all the shit that we've been through.

Thanks mum :)

Spots

2008-10-25T14:24:00.003+11:00

Things are so unfair.

Seriously.

My BF J (not the pregnant one) just rang me, to let me know that my friend K has just found out she's lost her baby (10 weeks). Started spotting last night, had an US today, and there's only a gestational sac. Hits close to home, that's what happened with our first (minus the spotting, we just found out on our 12 week scan). And her hubby is on a buck's day celebration with his mates, he doesn't even know yet, cos he hasn't had a chance to call her back.

I texted her to see if she needed company, cos she got that horrible news all alone. Thank goodness her parents are there now. After that, I didn't know what to say. I have been through it, and I couldn't think what the fuck to say. I know a whole lot of things not to say. So I just sent her big hugs, cos there's nothing else really to say is there? I know for a fact that she's not ok, she won't be ok for some time, it's not alright, it doesn't make it any easier to know that "you can get pregnant."

I feel so shit right now. I know from experience that I wouldn't wish that kinda crap on anyone, especially not a couple I care about so much.

Meanwhile, by BF, A has been spotting for a few days now, she's about 7 weeks. She went for an US Friday, and reported "A happy little blob is snuggled in there with a strong heart beat. Yay!" I hope it stays that way.

The verdict is in...

2008-10-25T08:53:00.002+11:00

OK we finally had our appointment on Thursday!! Yay!

I was feeling kinda nervous and excited at the same time (Yes, I said excited. About visiting an infertility doctor. Remind me when my life took that turn??) Our appointment was for 1850, and we arrived at the waiting room right around 1845. Don't ask me why I was thinking that there wouldn't be much of a wait...

M the receptionist was lovely, very sweet, but has a slightly annoying sing-song kinda voice. I found it cute the way that she would try to be subtle when handing out IVF information to couples, when in fact she has one of the loudest voices in the world. I suppose she has to try, confidentiality and all that, but really I don't think any of those couples are fooling anyone, rocking up to an infertility doctor who specialises in IVF!!

Anyway, we got cosy in the corner (the room was pretty full) and initially I was feeling really self conscious, trying not to 'check out' all the other infertiles, wondering if we fit in there!! I read a magazine, almost cover to cover (I never usually have time to catch up on all the Hollywood goss) and then checked the time... we'd been there for an hour already!

Another hour later (Yes, that's a total of 2 hours in the waiting room), with only us and one other couple waiting, we got in to see Dr W.

I'm not confessing my love for Dr W just yet, cos I think that would be totally betraying Dr J, whom I love with all my heart lol But Dr W was pretty damn nice I have to say. Dr J had written him a page and a half letter about me (awww) and totally blew my cover in the first paragraph, telling Dr W that I am an NICU nurse. I thought I would get away with that one for a little bit at least. I hate when medical professionals assume knowledge, and then don't fill D in on everything cos they think I already know. Not that Dr W did that at all, he was really good. He just asked me if I've ever seen him over at the hospital. He does look familiar, I'm sure I've seen him around. Plus, his name is on one of the doors I walk past in the obstetrics department on my way home :)

Basically, Dr W just reiterated a whole lot of stuff that Dr J had already told us. Which was great, I love love love consistency of information!! And based on our history, Dr W thinks that the only way to go is straight for IVF, with a stimulated cycle. The verdict is in!! Also, because of my positive ANA results, I have to start on aspirin as soon as I get a BFP, and if we happen to miscarry again (please God no) then he would put me onto heparin as well.

The only slightly disappointing part here is that bloody Christmas is coming up, and Dr W doesn't want us to have to rush through everything to squeeze a cycle in pre-Christmas. He says we should enjoy our egg nog at Christmas without worrying, and then go hell for leather next year. I guess we're ok with continuing Project Hump N Hope for another 2 months... I guess...

I'm considering getting a couple of months of acupuncture while I'm waiting, get my Qi all aligned or whatever in the mean time.

So I filled out all our registration forms as soon as we got home from Dr W's office, and after work yesterday (only 2 doors down from the IVF clinic), I went and dropped them in, and donated some more blood to science. So now, we are officially registered for IVF. Woo! I love giving away non-refundable administration fees hehehe

In the state we live in, it is legislated that all couples undergoing IVF receive counselling, so I booked that session in while I was there. Now just have to book in a seminar for first cyclers, and I think our preliminary stuff is all booked!!

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a big box of expensive injectable hormones. I promise I've been really good this year.

Ho hum

2008-10-22T17:30:00.003+11:00

God I'm feeling emotionally average today.

AF came last night, and with her came the crushing of my stupid fantasies, and the reality is that I'm still the same non-pregnant chick. Ehhhh.

I gave A a little present at work (actually I had to hide it in her bag while noone else was in the office, cos she hasn't told her colleagues yet, too early) It's just a token acknowledgment of her pregnancy really, a teeny gift bag with a cute cute pair of mary jane socks, a travel size pack of elmo baby wipes (so cute, they have little elmos printed on them!), a travel size dettol hand rub, and a travel size tube of anti-stretch mark cream.

She looked in it after she got home, and sent me a thank-you text. I told her the socks were for her, not the baby (D had joked that it would take a long time for bubs to grow into the socks) and she sent one back saying but if u saw how fat my tummy is already getting it mite fit the bub soon.

Why does that make me teary?? I think maybe the reality, and the jealousy of her pregnancy is finally starting to sink in. Oh well, I guess a week of feeling okay about it was pretty good on my behalf.

Hurry up tomorrow, I'm over it today.

Where oh where is that damn Flo??

2008-10-21T09:46:00.002+11:00

I just can't stand it when she's late. I mean, if you're gonna come anyway, just come on time!!! Don't play these mind games with me, I really can't take it!!!

I'm usually pretty regular, a 30 day girl. And now it's been 35, and where the hell is she??? Oh believe me, I know what running late can mean, and I've already wasted 2 HPTs just checking. Of course BFNs, why was I kidding myself? I know why. Cos I just found out this week that 2 of my close friends are pregnant (making the grand total of half of my close group of friends that are knocked up) and then my psycho brain starts to think that if everyone else is pregnant...

Meanwhile, I'm just late. Some of my friends think I'm odd for being annoyed by this, cos it means you get AF less, but I'm of the belief that the more you get it, the more chances you get for trying to get pregnant.

Plus, my appointment with Dr W is on Thursday, and I thought AF would be out of the way, so they could do whatever tests they like!!!! According to the "Getting Started" booklet that I read (I like to be prepared prior to appointments) one of the tests that needs doing is an ultrasound to count my follicles... do you think Dr J might have stopped to count follicles while he had the telescope in there 10 weeks ago, to save me having yet another test?? I should have asked him, dammit.

2 more sleeps.

Are you kidding me??

2008-10-20T17:06:00.002+11:00

OK, I could handle hearing that my BF, A is pregnant, cos I knew she'd been trying for 10 months. (Thankyou for preparing me hehehe)

But then 2 days later, another of my close friends, K, tells me that she is also pregnant.... No preparation!!! They weren't even trying, hadn't been planning to start trying. She couldn't get an appointment to see her GP for a pill script, so she didn't take her pill for a couple of months. I would liken this feeling to... getting kicked in the teeth.

Lucky for me, I held it together fantastically to her face, and by the time I had a sudden surge of tears in my eyes, she was facing the other way... also luckily, I had a glass of wine in my hand which I could quickly use to drown the passing feeling of nausea and anguish. Oh, and I checked with my other best friend, J, who was watching me at the time, and says K didn't notice a thing. Phew!!

See the thing is, I really am happy for both of my friends. Truly. Doesn't mean I'm not a little jealous and hurty at the same time! And I would positively hate to spoil their moment by erupting into a ball of tears. Boy, wouldn't that put a dampener on their news-sharing!! And I would feel terrible. TERRIBLE!

The good news is, I'm alright again. I spent the whole day with K yesterday, and thank god she's not one of those girls who just wants to talk about being pregnant the whole time. She didn't even bring it up. I think maybe she's still in shock actually. She's 9 and a half weeks, hasn't even decided where she's having the baby!! lol That was really a shock to me, I have had my obstetrician and hospital locked in for 4 years now, and still not pregnant yet :)

Walking into work today, A was complaining a little bit about her boobs already, and how they're sore, and they're big, and she's gonna have to get new bras soon... and she's 6 and a half weeks. I'm sorry, but I think expanding breast size due to pregnancy is just a good excuse for new lingerie lol Don't cry on my shoulder!!

And now there are only 3 more sleeps until I see Dr W... hooray! :)

My best friend's pregnant

2008-10-16T16:23:00.001+11:00

Yes that's right, my best friend!! And here's a funny thing... I haven't felt upset about it. Maybe cos we've had some progress this week, and I'm feeling positive about things happening for us too!

She's only 6 weeks, and is telling hardly anyone at this stage cos she's worried something might go wrong. She told me last night, and I was the first person outside of her family that she told, which is kinda cool. Altho she told me today that she was shitting herself, cos she thought she would upset me. And also told me today that I can tell her to shut up at any time, if she's talking baby too much. Hasn't stopped her in the last 10 months while they've been trying!!! lol

So, one of my other close friends is due in January (right near my birthday!), now A is due mid June. So I figure we've gotta get knocked up asap, so all our kiddies can be a couple of months apart, and we can all be on maternity leave together!!! Ah, dreams..... they keep me going sometimes.

Still stoked to have got our IVF doctor appointment so soon, but not getting my hopes up about a pre-christmas cycle. Also, trying not to convince myself that we'll have a one-cycle-wonder. Of course I'm staying positive about it all, just don't want to kid myself and end up disappointed.

Oh, this rollercoaster we ride.

I'm so excited!!

2008-10-15T17:08:00.002+11:00

And I just can't hide it!! lol

OK I tried to patient and wait for Dr W's receptionist to call me today and make a time for our appointment, but I got tired of waiting! I called about 2pm, but got no answer. So I tried 2 more times after that, and still now answer... starting to think that Dr W must've been away on holidays or something.

Then... 10 minutes ago, I got a call, yay! And omg we have an appointment next Thursday!! Dr J had said we'd probably get in to see him in a few weeks, which to me means 3-4 weeks... I'm so excited about having the appointment in 8 days!!

Yay, now I feel like things are really getting moving! Our next phase is starting!!

Now I just have to try to swap my shift at work.... hmmm

Moving on

2008-10-15T10:45:00.002+11:00

OK I know I was saying how un-nervous I was yesterday... and I did pretty well!! Got a slight attack of sweaty palms around the corner from J's office, but kept breathing pattern under control, and butterflies at bay... yay me! (I have this theory that becoming incredibly nervous when going to J's office is a learned behaviour, like those Pavlov's dogs. And I totally learnt it!! Still trying to get over my irrational fear of obstetrician's and ultrasound guy's waiting rooms)

Turns out my uterus and ovaries are in tip-top shape, woo! J made an extra copy of the photos, as I requested, so I stuck a copy of them into my folder of wonders lol Actually the pics were kinda cool, my right ovary was ovulating at the time. Good to know that it was right on schedule, doing it's job! The tubes flushed just fine, which was a relief after the ectopic was cut out of the left tube last year. So, overall a big tick for my equipment lol

J asked us if we are ready to move on with things, and referred us to a specialist at the IVF centre (conveniently located a couple of doors down from my work). J says that we should be able to get an appointment with him (Dr W) in a couple or a few weeks, which is exciting. Of course there is a whole process to go through, we're aware of that, but this is a start!! J thought we might even be able to squeeze in a cycle of something before Christmas, but I am trying not to pin my hopes on that. Anyway, that's a vast improvement over the rumoured 4 month waiting list I had heard there was at my IVF centre.

So anyway, J's receptionist got on the phone to Dr W's rooms as soon as we got out, but damn their efficiency in leaving the office on time!!! It was 5.01pm, and nobody home... which leaves me today waiting waiting waiting for my phone to ring.... It hasn't rung yet. What are they waiting for??

I know there is more waiting to do.

I know there is more process to get through.

Of course I know there are no guarantees!!

But this is progress, and I can see that little glimmer of light at the end of this God forsaken tunnel... fingers crossed

No nerves

2008-10-14T13:27:00.002+11:00

So the day has finally, finally come that I get to go back and see my beloved obstetrician (I don't think we have RE's here, but I could be wrong). Considering I've been counting down the weeks, for the past 10 weeks, and then counting down the sleeps, I am strangely not nervous about the appointment. It's a nice feeling. Usually when I'm going to see Dr J, I am almost hyperventilating, palms sweating... let's see how I feel once I get to the waiting room, that is usually the test for me.

His receptionist called this morning to see if we could push our appointment back until 4.30pm, from 3pm, so that they could squeeze in an 'urgent' appointment for someone else. I briefly panicked that she was going to change my appointment to a whole other day, which I would not have been happy about; and I actually consider my own appointment to be mildly urgent, but what the hey. As long as it's today, I can cope with that.

So, my gut pain went after about 48 hours. I guess it was just a bit of gastritis or something. AF is due in about 2 days, so I did a quick pee-on-a-stick just so I knew the result was negative prior to attending my appointment. (Good on me, I wasn't even disappointed by it, never got my hopes up too much this month, yay)

In related, annoying news... I always get sore boobs for almost exactly 7 days prior to the arrival of that bitch, and so far this month... I've got nuthin!! Which pisses me off a little, makes me wonder what my body is playing at. Grrr

Oh and lucky me, I have 2 days off work with a URTI (upper respiratory tract infection) and scored some antibiotics. Woo.

So.

More news later today. I hope.

Don't fool yourself

2008-10-08T16:44:00.002+11:00

I've been feeling kinda average for the last 2.5 days. I've had this gut ache, like, right in my guts. Not really nauseous, but feel like maybe I would feel better if I could have a chuck. Mostly just an ache tho.

Of course, I've had the thought that maybe it could be because I could possibly be pregnant. *sigh* I'm trying super hard not to let myself think too much about that. I'm sure it's probably some form of gastritis, and I'll get over it in a day or so. Do not want to let my mind blow this out of proportion. Will only be disappointed again.

Aunt Flo is due in about a week...

6 sleeps left until my obstetrician appointment.

Gotta keep it together.

The results are in

2008-10-07T16:11:00.002+11:00

Just got home from my appointment with my rheumatologist, Dr M. All went well, exactly as I expected (no, I'm not psychic, but I do have access to my blood results via the hospital pathology system). My Obstetrician, Dr J sent me to see him because I have had two 'weakly' positive blood tests to anti-nuclear antibodies, and he wanted to make sure that I didn't have some kind of autoimmune disorder such as lupus that was messing with my pregnancies.

I saw Dr M about 6 weeks ago, donated some more blood and urine, and have been waiting around for my followup appointment. Even though I knew he was going to say 'everything is normal, you can forget that you ever tested positive for ANAs, and I will refer you back to Dr J.' Dr M even gave me a copy of the letter that he has sent back to Dr J. The verdict is...

On examination, she is completely well. There are no clinical features of connective tissue disease, and her general physical examination is completely normal.

You hear that, ovaries and uterus? Completely normal!! How about you start acting that way!!!

So now there are only 7 more sleeps until I go back to see Dr J. FINALLY!! A light is at the end of this tunnel (not the exact light that I'd really like ie a baby, but a light nonetheless!) Dr J can call in the cavalry at long last and help me out!!!

God knows I can't do this by myself.

Getting away for a couple of days...

2008-10-06T16:26:00.002+11:00

No, not me. My freakin husband. And I'm not happy about it!!

OK so, a few months ago (yes, months people, I gave him plenty of time) I asked D to speak to his manager and see if he could get a week off in October. I thought that it would be really good for us to have some time out, together, maybe get away for a couple of days or so. The two of us. Did he do anything about getting time off? No. He did not. And after asking him about it repeatedly, I then had to ask him again, when October was getting close. He decided that some of the other managers had already got in and had holidays in October, so he would not be able to. He has never officially asked, of course.

So last night, he casually asked me what I am working on Thurs/Fri this week. (Never mind the fact that my roster is on the calendar in the kitchen.) I am working. He said that he has decided that he needs to get away for a couple of days. So he is going to visit his friend who has recently moved to the country (a chick who I don't really like, even more perfect.)

I'm sorry, what month is this?? October???? The month that I requested his presence for the purposes of 'getting away for a couple of days??? I am so freakin mad. And I let him know it.

The least he could've done (since asking for time off was obviously in the too-hard-basket) was coordinate two days off with my days off (he does make the roster after all, it is surely not that difficult) so we could get away together for a night.

Thoughtless.

Anyway, today at work, was having a casual conversation with one of the older nurses, and seriously, the ENTIRE conversation, she kept glancing down at my guts. It was really pissing me off. Then finally, when I was about to leave, asked me when I was joining the 'baby club.' Um, about 4 years ago, would've been great actually, thanks for asking. At least I know that I haven't been totally forgotten in the baby-making department.

Woo.

Sisters in infertility

2008-10-03T21:35:00.002+10:00

OK so my sister sent me an interesting text message today. Her and her husband have officially separated, and are getting divorced. Divorced people. And I get this in a text message??? Sorry, what?

Aside from all the other shitty things about divorcing, and being suddenly single at about-to-turn-thirty... My sister A has also had major issues with infertility. She had terrible endometriosis, she's miscarried about 7 times, maybe more. I have lost count, shame on me. Her husband had testicular cancer, and had one testicle removed. She has always been my sounding board, the one person that has some idea of what my life is like....

And obviously now she won't be even trying to get pregnant any time soon. I've lost her for now!!

How totally selfish of me, I know I know.

I mean, of course she still understands my feelings etc, but we won't be going through any struggles together, propping each other up anymore. And we always thought that somehow we would be pregnant together, well that's obviously off the cards.

Makes me all the more grateful that I found my little online therapy group. Thank god I can still vent to cyberspace :)

Baby boom

2008-09-30T17:28:00.004+10:00

At work today, I was chatting to one of the girls who is a couple years younger than me, and got married last year. The topic got on to babies, and I asked her if her and her husband were planning to have kids. She said that she'd like to start trying soon, and her hubby wants to start trying at the end of the year, maybe next year. She said that 'heaps of girls' would be having babies next year, and she wants to be one of them.

Who's having babies? I wanted to know the goss. She then reeled off about six names of NICU nurses who plan to have a baby next year. Or at least get pregnant next year. All girls that have recently finished the post-grad course, recently married or getting married next year.

Please tell me that they won't all get knocked up in Jan/Feb, easy as you please, and leave me behind!!!

By the way, how come noone ever asks me anymore when I'm having babies? Do they just assume now that I'm infertile, or did they all get sick of asking? Have they all forgotten about me now and moved on to all the younger girls??? Seriously people, I'm not done with yet!!!!

And

what's the deal with ovulation sticks?? Every day that bloody line gets lighter, making me wish I'd never decided to start peeing on the bloody things at all. Does the vanishy line mean that I missed it????

Damn this.

Take your mark...

2008-09-28T21:13:00.004+10:00

OK so D's team lost the grand final. Dammit. Now he's in a sucky mood. Grand Final was yesterday, today he's been super flat. This year was theirs, they've only lost one game all season (apart from the big one, yesterday. Which, by the way, sucked the big one. Their team played like rubbish.) He actually cried after the game. Do not tell him I told you. Big girly sobs, right on my shoulder. I really felt for him actually, he hasn't cried like that since we lost a baby!! Shows how passionate he is about the game I guess. But still...

Day 12 today, and peed on my ovulation stick... my test line is a teeny bit lighter than my control line... slight panic... what do I do?? Hope the line is a bit darker tomorrow?? Eeek!! I made D come and have a look at it, cos after our track record, I can't read lines on pregnancy tests anymore, (whether there's a second line there or not, I can always always see one there. It's a sickness, I'm aware of that) and this is kinda a similar test I guess.

So, the plan is, pee on another stick tomorrow, see how it compares to today. I've still got time I reckon seeing as I'm only day 12, and we've been 'storing' D's boys for 2 days, so another day will probably be just right... fingers crossed!

Oooh I bought D a bottle of multivitamins today, too. I've tried before, but I'm willing to try it again!! I've bought him a bottle of zinc pills in the past, to help the health of the 'boys', and pretty much the whole bottle full is still sitting in the cupboard. This time, I was sure to tell him how expensive the bottle was (even more costly than my Elevit, which I really should have shares in by now) and threw the bottle at him at dinnertime when I was having my multivit. It's yet another uncertainty in our lives, but I have a little more control of this one lol

And I'm super excited, cos I bought the book that I was after "Invitro Fertility Goddess", which is written by an Aussie chick who ended up almost going completely insane trying to get pregnant at age 37. It's really funny, and I can totally relate to the way she's feeling, which I think makes it better as well. Anyhoo, it arrived in the mail on Thursday, yay!! I should never have taken it to work with me tho... I really should have learnt by now that when I'm on night shift, it's always a busy night when I take a book... why did I do that to myself??? Anyways, so far it's awesome, so I'm super happy that it arrived :)

All set...

2008-09-22T13:51:00.002+10:00

Well I'm all set for our last month of trying before referral time!! Got me a brand new set of ovulation sticks, and one pregnancy test :) No pressure...

I'm pretty bummed that we haven't been able to do this ourselves to be honest. All modesty aside, I've always been good at everything that I've wanted to be good at. Except this! And I feel powerless about it. Grrr I guess I like to have control. This isn't the way my life was supposed to be!! I should have a 3 year old by now. And maybe another little one. I should be chasing kids around on my days off, not sitting at the computer with all the time in the world! *deep breath* Only 1 more month till I get to see John again. Thank goodness for that.

Footy finals

2008-09-21T12:52:00.002+10:00

Well, D's team made the Grand Final in the AFL again this year, so he is pumped. Yay!! Now I just hope that they can win again, like they did last year, cos my Day 14 is right around Grand Final Day, and I want him to be happy and in the mood!! lol Go Cats!!

In church today, the service was offered up for a young bloke in our parish who was killed a couple of weeks ago (Father's Day) after he was bashed outside a nightclub, and his parents had to turn off his life support. I didn't know him personally, but his brother was in classes with me at high school, we graduated together. For some reason, I couldn't keep it together today, every time they mentioned his name, I got all teared up. Apparently mum did too, and she had no idea why. I'm not sure if I was getting her energy, or she was getting mine. Anyway, the thought crossed my mind, if I'm this blubbery when I'm not on hormones, how bad will I be if we end up doing IVF?? omg watch out!!!

Countdown is on... Last month of trying!!!

2008-09-19T16:16:00.003+10:00

Why is the chocolate all gone??

Dammit.

I wonder if it's weird that I'm excited that it's finally less than 4 weeks until I get to see my obstetrician again? Seems like forever since I had the laparascope, and got the appointment. It has in fact only been about 6 weeks. How could it feel like so much longer?? Anyway, I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel now that it's less than a month away.

So seeing as good ol Flo came to visit, I'm now officially in my last month of trying before I get my IVF referral. Some mixed emotions...

I think the main feeling is kinda relief. Cos almost 4 years later, I'm just not so sure that I can do this myself anymore. And now that I know there's help coming for sure if we need it, I guess I feel a little relieved. It'll be more or less out of our hands.

I'm also feeling nervous. I mean, we don't exactly have the best track record at baby making, and any time I get pregnant I feel incredibly nervous about losing it. I would super-hate to go through all the trouble of IVF, and then lose that too.

When John (my obstetrician) told me that he'd refer us for IVF if we hadn't got pregnant by my next appointment, I told my closest friends. Of course then they wanted to know what is involved in IVF, and I had no idea to be honest! I'd never looked into it. John had always said that it wasn't an option for us, because getting pregnant was never our problem. Anyhoo, I checked out the website of the IVF place in our area, and it was fab. I spent hours on there, reading all the info and advice and stuff. And I felt so empowered afterwards!! Of course, I realise that it's no walk in the park, but at least now I know what it's all about.

I told mum that I'd looked up all that info, and she just turns around and tells me that I 'won't need that.' She seems to think that there's been something in me mentally that's been stopping me from getting pregnant, cos maybe I wasn't ready, or I was scared. Bless her, I love her to pieces but she drives me crazy sometimes!!! I told her that if she's at all interested in learning about IVF, check the website out. I doubt if she will, cos she's clearly convinced that we don't need it.

So the official countdown is now on!!!

Here's to our last month of trying before it's referal time :)

Chocolate and snuggles

2008-09-17T16:25:00.002+10:00

Got my period today (hence, I'm sitting here eating chocolate... realised today that's maybe why I always put on about half a kilo when I get my period lol) A little later than I expected, but then again I thought it might me. Cos I had the laparoscopy at the end of July, I wasn't sure what my cycle would be upto this month. Anyway it's here. Bummer.

For the first time EVER today, I was 'clucky' at work. Whoa! I work in a NICU (neonatal intensive care) and SCN (special care nursery). So I'm surrounded by babies all day long. A LOT of babies :) But they're all in there cos they're sick or premature, and that's not what I'd ideally like, so I've never really been 'clucky' before at work.

Until today.

'Gorgeous Giorgios' (only the 'Giorgios' part is his actual name, but the 'Gorgeous' part IS accurate!) a 2.4kg little boy who was heading home today, had wet through his entire bed! Being the nice nurse that I am (and modest) I was changing him for the nurses in that room. After changing his jumpsuit, I was holding Giorgios in my left hand while changing the bed with my right. His little head fell slightly, and was resting against the side of my jawbone. Little fella smelt so nice, and it was such a lovely little snuggle!! I paused in my bedmaking for a moment, and just thought "I want one of these!!" *sigh*

Maybe it was the hormones of the day. Maybe it's my issue with waiting, and being sick to death of it. Maybe it's just cos he's a cute, snuggly little baby who caught me off guard :)

2008-09-16T17:38:00.002+10:00

Found this on another blogger's page and love it.

Totally relates to life, and how you can do something about your situation, not just be unhappy about it.

Don't curse the darkness. Light a candle.... I'm doing my best.

Book shopping. And waiting.

2008-09-16T17:10:00.006+10:00

Book Shopping

I stopped at the shopping centre on the way home from work today, and I thought I might as well pop in to the book shop while I was there. I'm after a copy of Invitro Fertility Goddess, and since my credit card never actually has any credit on it, I thought an actual shop would be more successful than shopping online.

How hard is it to find a book about infertility??

First of all, I had no ideas which section to look in. I started in that section with all the baby books (how logical) I think that section is called "Family". Plenty of books about Fertility, getting pregnant, sex, baby names. But nothing about infertility, certainly not about IVF. Maybe the Health section? No. Biography? No. Non fiction??? I ended up looking through every section in the book shop, except non fiction, and children's books. And still left empty handed.

Grrr

Waiting

A more recent phenomena of mine is... I'm so tired of waiting!!!!

OK I had a laparascope at the end of August. It was just to make sure all my bits are still where they're supposed to be, cos I had an ectopic removed in May last year, and haven't managed to get pregnant again since then. And I still haven't had my post-op appt with my gynae, J (whom I love with all my heart *sigh* ) J wanted to see me 2 months post op, so that I had time to recover and have another cycle or two. And if I'm not pregnant by that appointment, he will refer us to IVF. Of course no appointments were available for 2 months post op, so I'm waiting for like, 10 weeks!!! Feels like forever to me!! Finally there are only 4 weeks left, but it feels like that appointment is never coming.

Meanwhile, I have a followup appointment next Tuesday with my (newly aquainted) Rheumatologist, to check the results of the millions of blood tests I had a few weeks ago (mostly checking for antibodies, as I was positive a couple of times for the very exciting anti nuclear antibody (ANA). Anyways, on my way home from work, the clinic rang to push my appointment back 2 weeks cos the doctors will be away.... That's fine actually, cos I had my blood tests done at the hospital I work at, and I already know all the results, and they're all fine :)

But more waiting!!!!

Coming out...

2008-09-15T22:02:00.002+10:00

I know some people's stories are longer than ours. But still, it's too lengthy to really get into right now, so allow me to summarise...

I am 28, D is 30. We got married in 2000, I was almost 21. We had things to do before having kids, I was about to graduate from University with my Nursing degree, we didn't have a big enough house for my liking, and there definitely had to be some overseas travel prior to starting a brood.

We began TTC in late 2004. Gave the pill the flick, got down to business and... success! Only 1 month of trying, and we were pregnant! At 11 weeks, discovered I had had a missed miscarriage. Had a D&C in March '05. Put that down to bad luck, got back to trying. January '06, first trimester miscarriage, followed by another first trimester m/c in May '06. Took a while to get pregnant the next time, made it to the 6 weeks ultrasound, then discovered it was an ectopic. Laparascopic removal, with D&C in May '07.

And nothing since...

We've just recently completed our barrage of testing, and come up with nothing to write home about. D's sperm was 'a little sluggish', but he was sick at the time which apparently makes your boys a little more reluctant than usual. So on the whole... normal.

Until very recently, I considered us 'trying to get pregnant.' It was recently pointed out to me that we are technically 'infertile.' I'm coming to terms with this label.

A few months ago I started to write about our experience in my journal. I find it kind of therapeutic to get it out there.

And after reading quite a few of other women's blogs, I have decided to take the plunge, and blog a bit too... It may not be exciting. It may get no hits. That's ok. It's not for everyone else.

It's for me.