Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Baby boom

At work today, I was chatting to one of the girls who is a couple years younger than me, and got married last year. The topic got on to babies, and I asked her if her and her husband were planning to have kids. She said that she'd like to start trying soon, and her hubby wants to start trying at the end of the year, maybe next year. She said that 'heaps of girls' would be having babies next year, and she wants to be one of them.

Who's having babies? I wanted to know the goss. She then reeled off about six names of NICU nurses who plan to have a baby next year. Or at least get pregnant next year. All girls that have recently finished the post-grad course, recently married or getting married next year.

Please tell me that they won't all get knocked up in Jan/Feb, easy as you please, and leave me behind!!!

By the way, how come noone ever asks me anymore when I'm having babies? Do they just assume now that I'm infertile, or did they all get sick of asking? Have they all forgotten about me now and moved on to all the younger girls??? Seriously people, I'm not done with yet!!!!


what's the deal with ovulation sticks?? Every day that bloody line gets lighter, making me wish I'd never decided to start peeing on the bloody things at all. Does the vanishy line mean that I missed it????

Damn this.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Take your mark...

OK so D's team lost the grand final. Dammit. Now he's in a sucky mood. Grand Final was yesterday, today he's been super flat. This year was theirs, they've only lost one game all season (apart from the big one, yesterday. Which, by the way, sucked the big one. Their team played like rubbish.) He actually cried after the game. Do not tell him I told you. Big girly sobs, right on my shoulder. I really felt for him actually, he hasn't cried like that since we lost a baby!! Shows how passionate he is about the game I guess. But still...

Day 12 today, and peed on my ovulation stick... my test line is a teeny bit lighter than my control line... slight panic... what do I do?? Hope the line is a bit darker tomorrow?? Eeek!! I made D come and have a look at it, cos after our track record, I can't read lines on pregnancy tests anymore, (whether there's a second line there or not, I can always always see one there. It's a sickness, I'm aware of that) and this is kinda a similar test I guess.

So, the plan is, pee on another stick tomorrow, see how it compares to today. I've still got time I reckon seeing as I'm only day 12, and we've been 'storing' D's boys for 2 days, so another day will probably be just right... fingers crossed!

Oooh I bought D a bottle of multivitamins today, too. I've tried before, but I'm willing to try it again!! I've bought him a bottle of zinc pills in the past, to help the health of the 'boys', and pretty much the whole bottle full is still sitting in the cupboard. This time, I was sure to tell him how expensive the bottle was (even more costly than my Elevit, which I really should have shares in by now) and threw the bottle at him at dinnertime when I was having my multivit. It's yet another uncertainty in our lives, but I have a little more control of this one lol

And I'm super excited, cos I bought the book that I was after "Invitro Fertility Goddess", which is written by an Aussie chick who ended up almost going completely insane trying to get pregnant at age 37. It's really funny, and I can totally relate to the way she's feeling, which I think makes it better as well. Anyhoo, it arrived in the mail on Thursday, yay!! I should never have taken it to work with me tho... I really should have learnt by now that when I'm on night shift, it's always a busy night when I take a book... why did I do that to myself??? Anyways, so far it's awesome, so I'm super happy that it arrived :)

Monday, September 22, 2008

All set...

Well I'm all set for our last month of trying before referral time!! Got me a brand new set of ovulation sticks, and one pregnancy test :) No pressure...

I'm pretty bummed that we haven't been able to do this ourselves to be honest. All modesty aside, I've always been good at everything that I've wanted to be good at. Except this! And I feel powerless about it. Grrr I guess I like to have control. This isn't the way my life was supposed to be!! I should have a 3 year old by now. And maybe another little one. I should be chasing kids around on my days off, not sitting at the computer with all the time in the world! *deep breath* Only 1 more month till I get to see John again. Thank goodness for that.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Footy finals

Well, D's team made the Grand Final in the AFL again this year, so he is pumped. Yay!! Now I just hope that they can win again, like they did last year, cos my Day 14 is right around Grand Final Day, and I want him to be happy and in the mood!! lol Go Cats!!

In church today, the service was offered up for a young bloke in our parish who was killed a couple of weeks ago (Father's Day) after he was bashed outside a nightclub, and his parents had to turn off his life support. I didn't know him personally, but his brother was in classes with me at high school, we graduated together. For some reason, I couldn't keep it together today, every time they mentioned his name, I got all teared up. Apparently mum did too, and she had no idea why. I'm not sure if I was getting her energy, or she was getting mine. Anyway, the thought crossed my mind, if I'm this blubbery when I'm not on hormones, how bad will I be if we end up doing IVF?? omg watch out!!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Countdown is on... Last month of trying!!!

Why is the chocolate all gone??


I wonder if it's weird that I'm excited that it's finally less than 4 weeks until I get to see my obstetrician again? Seems like forever since I had the laparascope, and got the appointment. It has in fact only been about 6 weeks. How could it feel like so much longer?? Anyway, I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel now that it's less than a month away.

So seeing as good ol Flo came to visit, I'm now officially in my last month of trying before I get my IVF referral. Some mixed emotions...

I think the main feeling is kinda relief. Cos almost 4 years later, I'm just not so sure that I can do this myself anymore. And now that I know there's help coming for sure if we need it, I guess I feel a little relieved. It'll be more or less out of our hands.

I'm also feeling nervous. I mean, we don't exactly have the best track record at baby making, and any time I get pregnant I feel incredibly nervous about losing it. I would super-hate to go through all the trouble of IVF, and then lose that too.

When John (my obstetrician) told me that he'd refer us for IVF if we hadn't got pregnant by my next appointment, I told my closest friends. Of course then they wanted to know what is involved in IVF, and I had no idea to be honest! I'd never looked into it. John had always said that it wasn't an option for us, because getting pregnant was never our problem. Anyhoo, I checked out the website of the IVF place in our area, and it was fab. I spent hours on there, reading all the info and advice and stuff. And I felt so empowered afterwards!! Of course, I realise that it's no walk in the park, but at least now I know what it's all about.

I told mum that I'd looked up all that info, and she just turns around and tells me that I 'won't need that.' She seems to think that there's been something in me mentally that's been stopping me from getting pregnant, cos maybe I wasn't ready, or I was scared. Bless her, I love her to pieces but she drives me crazy sometimes!!! I told her that if she's at all interested in learning about IVF, check the website out. I doubt if she will, cos she's clearly convinced that we don't need it.

So the official countdown is now on!!!

Here's to our last month of trying before it's referal time :)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Chocolate and snuggles

Got my period today (hence, I'm sitting here eating chocolate... realised today that's maybe why I always put on about half a kilo when I get my period lol) A little later than I expected, but then again I thought it might me. Cos I had the laparoscopy at the end of July, I wasn't sure what my cycle would be upto this month. Anyway it's here. Bummer.

For the first time EVER today, I was 'clucky' at work. Whoa! I work in a NICU (neonatal intensive care) and SCN (special care nursery). So I'm surrounded by babies all day long. A LOT of babies :) But they're all in there cos they're sick or premature, and that's not what I'd ideally like, so I've never really been 'clucky' before at work.

Until today.

'Gorgeous Giorgios' (only the 'Giorgios' part is his actual name, but the 'Gorgeous' part IS accurate!) a 2.4kg little boy who was heading home today, had wet through his entire bed! Being the nice nurse that I am (and modest) I was changing him for the nurses in that room. After changing his jumpsuit, I was holding Giorgios in my left hand while changing the bed with my right. His little head fell slightly, and was resting against the side of my jawbone. Little fella smelt so nice, and it was such a lovely little snuggle!! I paused in my bedmaking for a moment, and just thought "I want one of these!!" *sigh*

Maybe it was the hormones of the day. Maybe it's my issue with waiting, and being sick to death of it. Maybe it's just cos he's a cute, snuggly little baby who caught me off guard :)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Found this on another blogger's page and love it.

Totally relates to life, and how you can do something about your situation, not just be unhappy about it.

Don't curse the darkness. Light a candle.... I'm doing my best.

Book shopping. And waiting.

Book Shopping

I stopped at the shopping centre on the way home from work today, and I thought I might as well pop in to the book shop while I was there. I'm after a copy of Invitro Fertility Goddess, and since my credit card never actually has any credit on it, I thought an actual shop would be more successful than shopping online.

How hard is it to find a book about infertility??

First of all, I had no ideas which section to look in. I started in that section with all the baby books (how logical) I think that section is called "Family". Plenty of books about Fertility, getting pregnant, sex, baby names. But nothing about infertility, certainly not about IVF. Maybe the Health section? No. Biography? No. Non fiction??? I ended up looking through every section in the book shop, except non fiction, and children's books. And still left empty handed.



A more recent phenomena of mine is... I'm so tired of waiting!!!!

OK I had a laparascope at the end of August. It was just to make sure all my bits are still where they're supposed to be, cos I had an ectopic removed in May last year, and haven't managed to get pregnant again since then. And I still haven't had my post-op appt with my gynae, J (whom I love with all my heart *sigh* ) J wanted to see me 2 months post op, so that I had time to recover and have another cycle or two. And if I'm not pregnant by that appointment, he will refer us to IVF. Of course no appointments were available for 2 months post op, so I'm waiting for like, 10 weeks!!! Feels like forever to me!! Finally there are only 4 weeks left, but it feels like that appointment is never coming.

Meanwhile, I have a followup appointment next Tuesday with my (newly aquainted) Rheumatologist, to check the results of the millions of blood tests I had a few weeks ago (mostly checking for antibodies, as I was positive a couple of times for the very exciting anti nuclear antibody (ANA). Anyways, on my way home from work, the clinic rang to push my appointment back 2 weeks cos the doctors will be away.... That's fine actually, cos I had my blood tests done at the hospital I work at, and I already know all the results, and they're all fine :)

But more waiting!!!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Coming out...

I know some people's stories are longer than ours. But still, it's too lengthy to really get into right now, so allow me to summarise...

I am 28, D is 30. We got married in 2000, I was almost 21. We had things to do before having kids, I was about to graduate from University with my Nursing degree, we didn't have a big enough house for my liking, and there definitely had to be some overseas travel prior to starting a brood.

We began TTC in late 2004. Gave the pill the flick, got down to business and... success! Only 1 month of trying, and we were pregnant! At 11 weeks, discovered I had had a missed miscarriage. Had a D&C in March '05. Put that down to bad luck, got back to trying. January '06, first trimester miscarriage, followed by another first trimester m/c in May '06. Took a while to get pregnant the next time, made it to the 6 weeks ultrasound, then discovered it was an ectopic. Laparascopic removal, with D&C in May '07.

And nothing since...

We've just recently completed our barrage of testing, and come up with nothing to write home about. D's sperm was 'a little sluggish', but he was sick at the time which apparently makes your boys a little more reluctant than usual. So on the whole... normal.

Until very recently, I considered us 'trying to get pregnant.' It was recently pointed out to me that we are technically 'infertile.' I'm coming to terms with this label.

A few months ago I started to write about our experience in my journal. I find it kind of therapeutic to get it out there.

And after reading quite a few of other women's blogs, I have decided to take the plunge, and blog a bit too... It may not be exciting. It may get no hits. That's ok. It's not for everyone else.

It's for me.