Ultrasound #1

I admit that I was really freakin nervous about this ultrasound. But, not the complete mess that I usually am before ultrasounds, so that was good. Still anxious, raised heart rate and palms slightly sweaty, but overall pretty good for me!!

I had planned to wear some gorgeous socks ala PJ, but had to revise plans as we are currently in a heat wave, and today is again 43 degrees celcius. So I had to paint the nails instead, and then coordinate my singlet top and undies with my nails :) I give you "Mint Ice"...



The ultrasonographer was really nice, and the probe wasn't too terrible, which was good. And I was super-relieved to see those bunch-of-grape-looking ovaries on the screen!! I was watching her measure them, so I had a fair idea what they would say. She did measure one at 22mm wide, but he looked pretty squashed, only 10mm high. So I did wonder about a lead follicle.

My nurse coordinator told me to stop in and see her after my scan and bloods, and she had the results there for me! (The ultrasonographer used a back door, and brought them in from next door to the clinic). C said I have about 30 follicles in there!! (No wonder it aches when I lie on my tummy) Only about 6 are mature right now, and measuring between about 12-14mm.

I'm so relieved!! I had this mental picture of having my scan, and then getting asked if I was sure I'd been taking my Gonal-F, cos they couldn't find any follies... phew!! C knew I was really nervous about the scan, and she was just lovely and made me feel much happier. All the scans get reviewed in an ultrasound meeting, and then they call everyone with plans. We're anticipating continue the injections over the weekend, and probably re-scanning on Monday. C thinks the follies will be big enough by then, yay!

So, hopefully we can trigger and collect next week... looks like it might even end up being on DH's birthday, which is Thursday. What a treat for him, producing a fresh sample on his bday lol

Looks like the follies listened to us talking to them, and we all seem to be pulling together as a team, so I am happy :) We had hoped they would be ready today to collect on Monday, but realistically, Monday is not a good day to have away from work anyway, so this is probably better.

Now we just have to think of something to do today to beat the heat!! Walking through the house is like walking through a mine field, there's cats and dogs sprawled on the floor everywhere, poor hot darlings!!!

Aches and nerves

I am sorry that I blogged about not being sure about the follies!!! Ever since I let those words spill out into the blogosphere, I have been bloated and achey... which I'm hoping is a good thing!! It's certainly made me feel more relaxed about it anyway. Only 2 more injections now before my date with the dildo cam on Friday morning...

I'm starting to get nervous about the scan. Seems like this treatment takes forever, but then at the same time, it feels like certain milestones along the way are suddenly about to happen.

I know that this scan will be different, because it's not a pregnancy ultrasound. But I have never ever had a good ultrasound.

Ever.

And I know that makes me more nervous.

Scan #1 diagnosed our missed miscarriage.
Scans #2 and #3 confirmed miscarriages.
Sacns #4 and #5 diagnosed an ectopic pregnancy.

Consequently, I have great difficulty keeping my nerves under control any time I go for a scan. I think it's a learned behaviour. My palms sweat like nobody's business, and I can feel my blood pressure and heart rate rising, the closer we get to the clinic.

I hope this scan is different. I hope I more calm than I usually am for scans. I hope it shows what it's supposed to show. Come on follies, we are all working as a team here, don't you forget it!!

***************************************************************************

Has anyone been watching the Australian Open tennis grand slam? It's in my home town of Melbourne :) We usually go, but have been a bit distracted this year and didn't get our acts together.

Serena Williams just won her quarter final. She's now the only non-Russian woman in the semis!!

We are in what they are calling our hottest week in a century. Every day for 5 days straight is expected to reach over 40 degrees celcius.
And I am supposed to working night shift all week!! Lucky for me, I had already planned to take the week off on sick leave, only worked one night shift, last night. Thank goodness I am not working tonight, cos I only managed 4 hours sleep... we haven't quite got around to installing the air conditioning yet!!

Needless to say, it is very, very hot. And I am playing netball tonight...

I wonder

4 injections down and I just wonder how the follies are doing.... nay, I am dying to know how the follies are doing!!!!

I don't know whether I'm getting bloated or not. I have definitely put on a little weight on the scales, but that could just be me getting fatter. Should I be noticeably bloated by now?? How big should the follies be right now? Should I notice them sticking out of my abdomen like golf balls??

Ehhhhh I hate not knowing!! What if I am doing something not quite right with the injections... did I pull out the dose confirmation thingie all the way? Did I press it in all the way? Is it possible not to give yourself the right dose if you've dialled up the right dose??

I drive myself crazy. I thought that I would be less crazy than usual once I started the drugs. But alas, I'm just as clinically insane as always :)

I just don't want to rock up to the ultrasound on Friday, and get the call saying "Are you sure you've been injecting like we told you?? We really can't tell."

Does everyone freak out a little about it? Aside from a touch of bitchiness, and the overwhelming tiredness at times, I don't feel much different to usual, and I guess that concerns me a bit. I would be feeling far more confident if I was a raging ball of hormones, and DH was scared to come near me.

I'm sure it's probably all fine, fine, fine. I just wish there was some way I could tell!!

I did it!!! 2 down, 7 to go...

I have started my Gonal-F, and I did it myself!! Yay :)

All this time, I have been convincing everyone else that I will be just fine doing it myself. No problems. DH doesn't need to worry about it. I just needed to prove it to myself... and I did!! I am proud of myself. It's not every day that one has to self-inject (actually, for me it is every day, but hopefully only for 9 days hehehe)

Got this cute little mat with it, that tells you where to set everything out, and then has the instructions all along the bottom, in case you forget. Has a yellow square in the corner Place sharps container here. A rectangle under that Place needle here. etc. I think it's kinda cute, like a placemat, so I can 'set the table' ready for shooting up.

When I did the first injection, I could feel like a nervous panic rising inside me, which could have overcome me if I had let it. But I kept it together, and now I feel fine about it. Phew!!

Straight after I did the first one, DH asked me if he could do one. Um, let's recap... DH said he was not interested in doing the injections, which suited me just fine. At the seminar where we learned how to give them, I offered him the opportunity to use the practice injection pen and the fake belly fat, even just for fun, and he was not interested. I'm not sure how much attention he has actually paid to any of the instructions... hmmm.

I told him I would like to do at least a few first, and then we will see. I don't want to be his practice pin cushion, and I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt me. I was thinking maybe I could grab a needle and syringe from work so he can practice on something. Or wait until my first injection pen is empty, and he can practice with that?

In the meantime, I told him that he has to talk to the follies and encourage them :) So we had a good word to them on injection day 1, and told them that we're all working as a team here, and they're expected to perform!

I sure hope they listened

Good day, bad day, good day

Kicked off the morning with the good ol nasal spray... and then off to the clinic for early morning bloods. Today I was finding out if the Synarel spray has been working, and if I'm down-regulated like I'm supposed to be.

There were a whole bunch of women there, apparently they book quite a few blood tests in for the same time. I thought most women might still be in bed at 7.10am, expect for the crazy ones among us who are supposed to be at work already!

Turned out that I was NOT one of the women on the list. Sorry, what? I don't know what happened. The reception lady got my file out, and sure enough, it said I was supposed to be there!! Never mind, I was in the blood taking room for a grand total of about 2 minutes, I'm sure I didn't hold anyone up too much.

She went for a different vein than "Old faithful," which everyone always go for. Sadly, my veins are deep and narrow, a fact which I grew very aware of when I had my ruptured appendix removed, and required a new IV cannula every day.

Anyway, I thought the blood lady was good, but my arm seemed to bruise immediately. Bummer. It still sporting a nice blue glow now. I'm wondering if the vein she used was a narrower one than Old faithful is...

So after bloods, it was time to head 2 doors down, to work. And today was also job interview day!! I ended up applying for the educator position at work. I got inside info, and I knew that only 4 people had applied, so thought my chances were pretty good. Until I got my Synarel-scrambled brain into the interview, and couldn't focus or think of any good answers!! Felt like a complete idiot, pretty sure I blew it... It is not a good sign when one of the interview panel writes the word "Poor" on your sheet, right?? Wish I hadn't seen that...

Don't think that helped with the headache that ended up lingering all day long.

So then it was back to waiting for blood results. I started stressing about them yesterday. I've been really sniffly lately (um, why is that?? It was 41 degrees celcius today, 37 yesterday...) and sneezy!! I know that if you sneeze withing 4-5 minutes of spraying, you have to spray again. But sometimes I sneeze after 6 minutes, and wonder if I absorbed it all. And then I sniff for a good half hour because I'm too scared to blow my nose and maybe lose the drugs in my tissue!!

Anyways, C called me just after 3pm, and said that my blood results were perfect :) We're right to go ahead and start the Gonal-F on Thursday night as planned. I'm going to have a good talking to my ovaries, and then to my follies when they start growing. I want us all to work as a team!!

At least the blood results brightened my day somewhat, and despite the headache, I got my mojo back again!!

Now I just hope that I really can go through with the self-injecting... fingers crossed please!!

Bleeding again!!

Oh man!! Just when I thought the bleeding was over... I've got my period!!! Boo!!!!

My nurse coordinator had told me when I picked up the drugs, that it was perfectly normal on the Synarel spray, to either get a full period, a partial period, or no bleeding at all. Of course, I was barracking for the no blood option. And after a few days on the damn spray, I thought we were free and clear!!

Until yesterday. Starting getting those wondersome aching lower abdomen pains, and of course, the bleeding not too far behind. This sucks!! I am going to have to put it down to the fact that I took my last pill a few days ago. What else could it be?? I'm sure my poor lil body is quite confused by now!! Maybe that helps, maybe we're bamboozling it, and in the meantime, we'll sneak a little embryo in there to hide out before it knows what's going on! :)

In other news...

One of my best girlfriends had her baby on Wednesday. Introducing little Charlie...


This is him at about 5 minutes of age. So adorable!!! He spent the first couple of days in the nursery having his blood sugars monitored, as my girlfriend is a diabetic and was on an insulin pump during her pregnancy. He's coming out of the nursery today, and we are going to go and meet him this afternoon after DH finishes work :)

I got a text message on my mobile yesterday from my friend, with a pic of Charlie, saying how unbelievable the feeling is to be a mummy. It was a very emotional text, and I found myself in tears. I have mixed feelings I have to say. It's hard to pinpoint. It's not quite sadness, or jealousy. I think it's more of a longing?? Maybe just a wishful feeling. It's hard to describe. I'm super super happy for her, I really am, and I can't wait to meet this little man. But there is something else as well. I'm sure you know what I mean.

The chicken pox debate

"The chicken pox debate" also known as "What happened on my birthday."

DH has two sisters, who will be referred to from here on in as good sister, and bad sister.

Good sister, the younger of the two, is happily married, with 2 kids. She is sensible, and thoughtful, and lovely.

Bad sister, the eldest out of the 3 kids in DH's family, has 5 kids to 3 different dads, 1 divorce, and immeasurable amounts of boyfriends (quite afew of whom have been in jail, and/or on drugs). Luckily, when she has the c-section with the last child (who was premature, born at 27 weeks) they tied her tubes, and she can't afford to get them untied, even though she has threatened to each time she gets a new boyfriend.

So.

I was texting good sister on my mobile, discussing what we might do for my birthday. I decided that coffee and cake in the afternoon would be a good idea, and less hassle than a meal. She pointed out that my father in law has golf on Saturday arvos, so we decided on Sunday afternoon instead (my actual bday). Then I received another text from good sister, letting me know that one of bad sister's kids has the chicken pox.

I tried to ascertain when she'd gotten the pox, and if the spots had scabbed and dried up yet, but I was getting mixed messages from my mother in law, and one of bad sister's kids, who lives with my MIL. In the end, I asked DH to contact bad sister, and let her know that we would catch up with them in a few days time, rather than have chicken pox kid come to our house.

Does this sound unreasonable?

Because let me tell you, that I think it was completely unreasonable to make me feel so bad about that decision, particularly on my birthday. I'm sorry, but when we're putting so much time, effort and money into making a baby, I don't really want to unneccesarily expose myself to chicken pox. But bad sister seemed to not understand my point of view.

After DH left bad sister a message telling her we'd catch up later, she rang him, all upset. As if I was telling her not to come because I didn't like her, or some petty reason. When in fact, it was a pretty important and valid reason I thought. She was crying that the spots were all dried up, and in fact, almost all gone.

I also felt like DH wasn't really sticking with me on this one. He was saying things like "Mel would prefer if you didn't come today," rather than making it about the two of us, which I certainly let him know I wasn't happy about either.

In the end, we came to an agreement that MIL would go to bad sister's house on the way to ours, to inspect the child. And if she was less than 100% happy that chicken pox kid was not contagious, then she wouldn't be coming.

So in the end, she came. It was true that most of the spots had gone. She was told not to come near me, so she hid behind bad sister for awhile, which made me feel even better. Not.

In summary, I felt incredibly bad about the whole situation. I didn't think it was too much to ask for family members to be respectful of our wishes at an already stressful time, but apparently I was asking too much, and was overruled anyway.

Happy birthday to me.

And we're off and snorting!!

I have started the Synarel nasal spray, suppressing my oestrogen. I should have blogged about it after the first day, because my feelings towards it have mellowed now.

The first dose, I HATED it!!! I've never taken a nasal spray before, I guess I've never really thought that spraying liquid up my nose was something I wanted to get into. So, my technique has needed a little refining and practice. The very first time I did it, I didn't spray it quickly enough, and I thought to myself, well that couldn't have worked properly. So I sprayed again.

Big mistake!!

I'm pretty sure that I gave myself a double dose. And I certainly do NOT recommend doing that!!

This is the only thing I can think of to compare it to... have you ever been swimming, and accidentally inhaled some chlorine up your nose? It's like that. Tastes SO bad. Feels SO bad. You can taste it everywhere, overwhelmingly so.

With that first dose, (or 2 doses, more likely) the flavour hit me straight away. It was so strong, I was gagging on it, thought I was going to vomit. And the kinda burning sensation that's everywhere as well. I really didn't think I was going to cope with doing this twice a day. Thought I would end up ringing my Nurse Coordinator to demand the injections instead.

However.

I will admit that it has improved. I think my technique has definitely improved, I'm sure it's more vapourised than it was for the first couple of days. And surely if the droplets are smaller, that's a bonus right there. And maybe I'm getting used to it as well?

Side effect wise, I've had a fairly constant headache since starting it on Thursday last week. I'm allowed to take panadol or panadeine, although they don't seem to make much of a difference. I've been tired, but then I was pretty tired prior to commencing the spray, and in need of a holiday. And mood swings... I think I've been pretty good actually. Haven't noticed myself being particularly bitchy (I even double checked with DH and he said I've been alright). I've been weepy at times, and I'm blaming the spray for that. Cos really, that's still a swing in my mood. Who said it had to be confined to bitchiness??



In other news, it was my birthday on Sunday. I had a day of ups and downs really. Coulda been a whole lot better, but never mind. I will explain more in my next post, cos this one is long enough already!! I have to go and read some more of my book before book club... got about 550 pages to go before Friday....

Showbag with no chocolate

Had our appointment with the Nurse Coordinator, C this afternoon after work.

I had mixed feelings about it. Last night before bed, I went and sat outside for awhile. It was hot yesterday, about 36 degrees Celsius, but by last night there was a nice cool breeze. I had that nervous-excited feeling.

Technically, I started down-regulating on 20th December, when AF came and brought the BCP with her. But I've been on the BCP before. So I guess it wasn't really something new, and although it was a start for sure, I think the real hormones are a lot more real.

So I excitedly/nervously went for my appointment today, armed with my large cheque, my general consent form, and my diary. Hoping that I hadn't forgotten anything!!

It wasn't compulsory for DH to come to the appointment, cos he'd been to the First Cycle Seminar, and he is not giving the injections. But he left work early and met me there (awww). And I made sure that C pointed out to him that he will have to give me foot massages and cook my dinner :)

After C explained everything (most of it was just reinforcing information we'd already been told before), she gave me my bag full of goodies. She commented that there was no chocolate in there, and DH told her that there should be something nice in there! I told her to make a note that there should definitely be a strawberry freddo included. I'm not greedy!

When I got home, I had to clear one of the shelves inside the fridge door... outta my way coffee, basil, cheese... and now my boxes of injection pens and ampuoles are proudly displayed on the top shelf.

So I start the twice daily Synarel nasal spray tomorrow. According to my literature, it "decreases the amount of oestrogen produced by the ovaries providing a more controlled situation for ovarian stimulation and production of eggs." Oh, and the best part is, symptoms include tiredness, headaches, hot flushes and mood swings. Woo!!

I again expressed my concern over the nasal spray potentially giving me nose bleeds. (I have kinda frequent nose bleeds at the best of times, especially coming into Summer as we are, even tho I've had my nose quarterised twice). C said she's only had one girl that had bleeding problems, but if it's a problem for me, to let her know. She said that the drug can be given via injection, but most people tolerate the spray fine. I didn't tell her I'd kinda prefer an injection... hmmm we'll see how we go.

So, I officially jump over the cliff in the morning... hope I don't sneeze within five minutes of snorting, I have to start over!! lol Blood test is booked in for 20th Jan to make sure I'm sufficiently suppressed, and then start on the Gonal-F injections on the 22nd, if everything goes as planned.

Fingers crossed.

A break at last

Well, finally yesterday I had a bleeding-free day. Hooray!! :)

I was getting kinda nervous, cos my appointment with my Nurse Co-ordinator is now only 3 days away (slight excited freak-out!) and I really wasn't keen to still be bleeding at that point.

So, 15 days later, a break at last.

I know these last couple of days are going to fly by, and really when I think about it, the last couple of months have gone by pretty quickly in retrospect. There were periods that seemed to drag at the time, but thinking about it now, it seems like forever ago that I was getting my referral for my first RE appoinment. And now here we are, poised on the cliff of treatment, about to jump over.

I know there is a lot of waiting still to come. Hopefully we will be able to handle it without going completely insane!!!

**********************************************************************************

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions, cos I know that I never keep them. This year, I am putting some effort in. I didn't want to make any stupid resolutions that were out of my control, like "I will get pregnant this year." So I'm keeping it simple, and I'm gonna try really hard to keep it.

I am going to take care of myself this year.

Physically, and emotionally. I have to put myself first for once. I think it's more important than ever this year, as we embark on our journey as parents in waiting.