I've officially joined the club!!!

Welcome to me!! lol

Guess what was in the mail today when I got home? Membership cards for our IVF centre!! lol Okay okay, technically they are not membership cards, they're called 'ID cards' or something boring, but they're laminated cards with our info on one side, and the IVF clinic's details on the other... and I have my very own number, so I reckon I'm a member now!!

To be honest, it was slightly scary to find this tangible evidence of our membership to the IF club. I guess it's rock solid now, no denying it (tell that to my mother). And I guess I was feeling a little lost, seeing as I wrapped up my preliminary stuff only 1 day after our RE appointment, and it felt like just a long wait for something else to happen... then, suprise!! A very discrete white envelope with no distinguishing logos or anything on it turns up in the mail and now...

We're officially in the club!


Make room, gang :)

Mother dear

Ever since we uttered the words 'IVF' my mum has been really weird about it. If I mention IVF, she's all dismissive, telling me "You won't need that." And in the last week, whenever I've filled her in on doctor's appointments etc, she's made comments like "As long as that makes you happy." She's been driving me insane!!!!

After I had the laparoscopy in August, she told me that she thinks there's a mental barrier that's been stopping us from falling pregnant (OK seriously, I don't think my uterus is that in tune with what my brain is thinking) and she said that she can totally understand that I would be scared to get pregnant again, after all our losses, but she thought that now I would be able to move on and get pregnant.

So I went to her house for a coffee this morning, to chat about IVF and what is happening, and try to suss out what the issue is with her. I think it was really worthwhile actually. Turns out that she just doesn't understand why we're going for IVF when we know that I can get pregnant. I told her that previously that was true, IVF never used to be an option for us. But I pointed out to her that it has been a good 18 months since I have made a baby the old fashioned way, (Not for lack of trying) and that this is a new problem, that IVF can help us with.

She seemed to go along with that alright, and understood the rationale behind seeking treatment. Then she asked me if the counselling session would deal with psychological issues that are preventing me from falling pregnant.

So basically, my mum still thinks I have a psychological problem. I can't help feeling abit offended by that, when I really truly think that I have coped with the last four years pretty fucking well, considering all the shit that we've been through.

Thanks mum :)

Spots

Things are so unfair.

Seriously.

My BF J (not the pregnant one) just rang me, to let me know that my friend K has just found out she's lost her baby (10 weeks). Started spotting last night, had an US today, and there's only a gestational sac. Hits close to home, that's what happened with our first (minus the spotting, we just found out on our 12 week scan). And her hubby is on a buck's day celebration with his mates, he doesn't even know yet, cos he hasn't had a chance to call her back.

I texted her to see if she needed company, cos she got that horrible news all alone. Thank goodness her parents are there now. After that, I didn't know what to say. I have been through it, and I couldn't think what the fuck to say. I know a whole lot of things not to say. So I just sent her big hugs, cos there's nothing else really to say is there? I know for a fact that she's not ok, she won't be ok for some time, it's not alright, it doesn't make it any easier to know that "you can get pregnant."

I feel so shit right now. I know from experience that I wouldn't wish that kinda crap on anyone, especially not a couple I care about so much.


Meanwhile, by BF, A has been spotting for a few days now, she's about 7 weeks. She went for an US Friday, and reported "A happy little blob is snuggled in there with a strong heart beat. Yay!" I hope it stays that way.

The verdict is in...

OK we finally had our appointment on Thursday!! Yay!

I was feeling kinda nervous and excited at the same time (Yes, I said excited. About visiting an infertility doctor. Remind me when my life took that turn??) Our appointment was for 1850, and we arrived at the waiting room right around 1845. Don't ask me why I was thinking that there wouldn't be much of a wait...

M the receptionist was lovely, very sweet, but has a slightly annoying sing-song kinda voice. I found it cute the way that she would try to be subtle when handing out IVF information to couples, when in fact she has one of the loudest voices in the world. I suppose she has to try, confidentiality and all that, but really I don't think any of those couples are fooling anyone, rocking up to an infertility doctor who specialises in IVF!!

Anyway, we got cosy in the corner (the room was pretty full) and initially I was feeling really self conscious, trying not to 'check out' all the other infertiles, wondering if we fit in there!! I read a magazine, almost cover to cover (I never usually have time to catch up on all the Hollywood goss) and then checked the time... we'd been there for an hour already!

Another hour later (Yes, that's a total of 2 hours in the waiting room), with only us and one other couple waiting, we got in to see Dr W.

I'm not confessing my love for Dr W just yet, cos I think that would be totally betraying Dr J, whom I love with all my heart lol But Dr W was pretty damn nice I have to say. Dr J had written him a page and a half letter about me (awww) and totally blew my cover in the first paragraph, telling Dr W that I am an NICU nurse. I thought I would get away with that one for a little bit at least. I hate when medical professionals assume knowledge, and then don't fill D in on everything cos they think I already know. Not that Dr W did that at all, he was really good. He just asked me if I've ever seen him over at the hospital. He does look familiar, I'm sure I've seen him around. Plus, his name is on one of the doors I walk past in the obstetrics department on my way home :)

Basically, Dr W just reiterated a whole lot of stuff that Dr J had already told us. Which was great, I love love love consistency of information!! And based on our history, Dr W thinks that the only way to go is straight for IVF, with a stimulated cycle. The verdict is in!! Also, because of my positive ANA results, I have to start on aspirin as soon as I get a BFP, and if we happen to miscarry again (please God no) then he would put me onto heparin as well.

The only slightly disappointing part here is that bloody Christmas is coming up, and Dr W doesn't want us to have to rush through everything to squeeze a cycle in pre-Christmas. He says we should enjoy our egg nog at Christmas without worrying, and then go hell for leather next year. I guess we're ok with continuing Project Hump N Hope for another 2 months... I guess...

I'm considering getting a couple of months of acupuncture while I'm waiting, get my Qi all aligned or whatever in the mean time.

So I filled out all our registration forms as soon as we got home from Dr W's office, and after work yesterday (only 2 doors down from the IVF clinic), I went and dropped them in, and donated some more blood to science. So now, we are officially registered for IVF. Woo! I love giving away non-refundable administration fees hehehe

In the state we live in, it is legislated that all couples undergoing IVF receive counselling, so I booked that session in while I was there. Now just have to book in a seminar for first cyclers, and I think our preliminary stuff is all booked!!



Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a big box of expensive injectable hormones. I promise I've been really good this year.

Ho hum

God I'm feeling emotionally average today.

AF came last night, and with her came the crushing of my stupid fantasies, and the reality is that I'm still the same non-pregnant chick. Ehhhh.

I gave A a little present at work (actually I had to hide it in her bag while noone else was in the office, cos she hasn't told her colleagues yet, too early) It's just a token acknowledgment of her pregnancy really, a teeny gift bag with a cute cute pair of mary jane socks, a travel size pack of elmo baby wipes (so cute, they have little elmos printed on them!), a travel size dettol hand rub, and a travel size tube of anti-stretch mark cream.

She looked in it after she got home, and sent me a thank-you text. I told her the socks were for her, not the baby (D had joked that it would take a long time for bubs to grow into the socks) and she sent one back saying but if u saw how fat my tummy is already getting it mite fit the bub soon.

Why does that make me teary?? I think maybe the reality, and the jealousy of her pregnancy is finally starting to sink in. Oh well, I guess a week of feeling okay about it was pretty good on my behalf.


Hurry up tomorrow, I'm over it today.

Where oh where is that damn Flo??

I just can't stand it when she's late. I mean, if you're gonna come anyway, just come on time!!! Don't play these mind games with me, I really can't take it!!!

I'm usually pretty regular, a 30 day girl. And now it's been 35, and where the hell is she??? Oh believe me, I know what running late can mean, and I've already wasted 2 HPTs just checking. Of course BFNs, why was I kidding myself? I know why. Cos I just found out this week that 2 of my close friends are pregnant (making the grand total of half of my close group of friends that are knocked up) and then my psycho brain starts to think that if everyone else is pregnant...

Meanwhile, I'm just late. Some of my friends think I'm odd for being annoyed by this, cos it means you get AF less, but I'm of the belief that the more you get it, the more chances you get for trying to get pregnant.

Plus, my appointment with Dr W is on Thursday, and I thought AF would be out of the way, so they could do whatever tests they like!!!! According to the "Getting Started" booklet that I read (I like to be prepared prior to appointments) one of the tests that needs doing is an ultrasound to count my follicles... do you think Dr J might have stopped to count follicles while he had the telescope in there 10 weeks ago, to save me having yet another test?? I should have asked him, dammit.

2 more sleeps.

Are you kidding me??

OK, I could handle hearing that my BF, A is pregnant, cos I knew she'd been trying for 10 months. (Thankyou for preparing me hehehe)

But then 2 days later, another of my close friends, K, tells me that she is also pregnant.... No preparation!!! They weren't even trying, hadn't been planning to start trying. She couldn't get an appointment to see her GP for a pill script, so she didn't take her pill for a couple of months. I would liken this feeling to... getting kicked in the teeth.

Lucky for me, I held it together fantastically to her face, and by the time I had a sudden surge of tears in my eyes, she was facing the other way... also luckily, I had a glass of wine in my hand which I could quickly use to drown the passing feeling of nausea and anguish. Oh, and I checked with my other best friend, J, who was watching me at the time, and says K didn't notice a thing. Phew!!

See the thing is, I really am happy for both of my friends. Truly. Doesn't mean I'm not a little jealous and hurty at the same time! And I would positively hate to spoil their moment by erupting into a ball of tears. Boy, wouldn't that put a dampener on their news-sharing!! And I would feel terrible. TERRIBLE!

The good news is, I'm alright again. I spent the whole day with K yesterday, and thank god she's not one of those girls who just wants to talk about being pregnant the whole time. She didn't even bring it up. I think maybe she's still in shock actually. She's 9 and a half weeks, hasn't even decided where she's having the baby!! lol That was really a shock to me, I have had my obstetrician and hospital locked in for 4 years now, and still not pregnant yet :)

Walking into work today, A was complaining a little bit about her boobs already, and how they're sore, and they're big, and she's gonna have to get new bras soon... and she's 6 and a half weeks. I'm sorry, but I think expanding breast size due to pregnancy is just a good excuse for new lingerie lol Don't cry on my shoulder!!


And now there are only 3 more sleeps until I see Dr W... hooray! :)

My best friend's pregnant

Yes that's right, my best friend!! And here's a funny thing... I haven't felt upset about it. Maybe cos we've had some progress this week, and I'm feeling positive about things happening for us too!

She's only 6 weeks, and is telling hardly anyone at this stage cos she's worried something might go wrong. She told me last night, and I was the first person outside of her family that she told, which is kinda cool. Altho she told me today that she was shitting herself, cos she thought she would upset me. And also told me today that I can tell her to shut up at any time, if she's talking baby too much. Hasn't stopped her in the last 10 months while they've been trying!!! lol

So, one of my other close friends is due in January (right near my birthday!), now A is due mid June. So I figure we've gotta get knocked up asap, so all our kiddies can be a couple of months apart, and we can all be on maternity leave together!!! Ah, dreams..... they keep me going sometimes.

Still stoked to have got our IVF doctor appointment so soon, but not getting my hopes up about a pre-christmas cycle. Also, trying not to convince myself that we'll have a one-cycle-wonder. Of course I'm staying positive about it all, just don't want to kid myself and end up disappointed.

Oh, this rollercoaster we ride.

I'm so excited!!

And I just can't hide it!! lol

OK I tried to patient and wait for Dr W's receptionist to call me today and make a time for our appointment, but I got tired of waiting! I called about 2pm, but got no answer. So I tried 2 more times after that, and still now answer... starting to think that Dr W must've been away on holidays or something.

Then... 10 minutes ago, I got a call, yay! And omg we have an appointment next Thursday!! Dr J had said we'd probably get in to see him in a few weeks, which to me means 3-4 weeks... I'm so excited about having the appointment in 8 days!!

Yay, now I feel like things are really getting moving! Our next phase is starting!!

Now I just have to try to swap my shift at work.... hmmm

Moving on

OK I know I was saying how un-nervous I was yesterday... and I did pretty well!! Got a slight attack of sweaty palms around the corner from J's office, but kept breathing pattern under control, and butterflies at bay... yay me! (I have this theory that becoming incredibly nervous when going to J's office is a learned behaviour, like those Pavlov's dogs. And I totally learnt it!! Still trying to get over my irrational fear of obstetrician's and ultrasound guy's waiting rooms)

Turns out my uterus and ovaries are in tip-top shape, woo! J made an extra copy of the photos, as I requested, so I stuck a copy of them into my folder of wonders lol Actually the pics were kinda cool, my right ovary was ovulating at the time. Good to know that it was right on schedule, doing it's job! The tubes flushed just fine, which was a relief after the ectopic was cut out of the left tube last year. So, overall a big tick for my equipment lol

J asked us if we are ready to move on with things, and referred us to a specialist at the IVF centre (conveniently located a couple of doors down from my work). J says that we should be able to get an appointment with him (Dr W) in a couple or a few weeks, which is exciting. Of course there is a whole process to go through, we're aware of that, but this is a start!! J thought we might even be able to squeeze in a cycle of something before Christmas, but I am trying not to pin my hopes on that. Anyway, that's a vast improvement over the rumoured 4 month waiting list I had heard there was at my IVF centre.

So anyway, J's receptionist got on the phone to Dr W's rooms as soon as we got out, but damn their efficiency in leaving the office on time!!! It was 5.01pm, and nobody home... which leaves me today waiting waiting waiting for my phone to ring.... It hasn't rung yet. What are they waiting for??


I know there is more waiting to do.

I know there is more process to get through.


Of course I know there are no guarantees!!


But this is progress, and I can see that little glimmer of light at the end of this God forsaken tunnel... fingers crossed

No nerves

So the day has finally, finally come that I get to go back and see my beloved obstetrician (I don't think we have RE's here, but I could be wrong). Considering I've been counting down the weeks, for the past 10 weeks, and then counting down the sleeps, I am strangely not nervous about the appointment. It's a nice feeling. Usually when I'm going to see Dr J, I am almost hyperventilating, palms sweating... let's see how I feel once I get to the waiting room, that is usually the test for me.

His receptionist called this morning to see if we could push our appointment back until 4.30pm, from 3pm, so that they could squeeze in an 'urgent' appointment for someone else. I briefly panicked that she was going to change my appointment to a whole other day, which I would not have been happy about; and I actually consider my own appointment to be mildly urgent, but what the hey. As long as it's today, I can cope with that.

So, my gut pain went after about 48 hours. I guess it was just a bit of gastritis or something. AF is due in about 2 days, so I did a quick pee-on-a-stick just so I knew the result was negative prior to attending my appointment. (Good on me, I wasn't even disappointed by it, never got my hopes up too much this month, yay)

In related, annoying news... I always get sore boobs for almost exactly 7 days prior to the arrival of that bitch, and so far this month... I've got nuthin!! Which pisses me off a little, makes me wonder what my body is playing at. Grrr

Oh and lucky me, I have 2 days off work with a URTI (upper respiratory tract infection) and scored some antibiotics. Woo.

So.

More news later today. I hope.

Don't fool yourself

I've been feeling kinda average for the last 2.5 days. I've had this gut ache, like, right in my guts. Not really nauseous, but feel like maybe I would feel better if I could have a chuck. Mostly just an ache tho.

Of course, I've had the thought that maybe it could be because I could possibly be pregnant. *sigh* I'm trying super hard not to let myself think too much about that. I'm sure it's probably some form of gastritis, and I'll get over it in a day or so. Do not want to let my mind blow this out of proportion. Will only be disappointed again.


Aunt Flo is due in about a week...

6 sleeps left until my obstetrician appointment.

Gotta keep it together.

The results are in

Just got home from my appointment with my rheumatologist, Dr M. All went well, exactly as I expected (no, I'm not psychic, but I do have access to my blood results via the hospital pathology system). My Obstetrician, Dr J sent me to see him because I have had two 'weakly' positive blood tests to anti-nuclear antibodies, and he wanted to make sure that I didn't have some kind of autoimmune disorder such as lupus that was messing with my pregnancies.

I saw Dr M about 6 weeks ago, donated some more blood and urine, and have been waiting around for my followup appointment. Even though I knew he was going to say 'everything is normal, you can forget that you ever tested positive for ANAs, and I will refer you back to Dr J.' Dr M even gave me a copy of the letter that he has sent back to Dr J. The verdict is...

On examination, she is completely well. There are no clinical features of connective tissue disease, and her general physical examination is completely normal.

You hear that, ovaries and uterus? Completely normal!! How about you start acting that way!!!



So now there are only 7 more sleeps until I go back to see Dr J. FINALLY!! A light is at the end of this tunnel (not the exact light that I'd really like ie a baby, but a light nonetheless!) Dr J can call in the cavalry at long last and help me out!!!

God knows I can't do this by myself.

Getting away for a couple of days...

No, not me. My freakin husband. And I'm not happy about it!!

OK so, a few months ago (yes, months people, I gave him plenty of time) I asked D to speak to his manager and see if he could get a week off in October. I thought that it would be really good for us to have some time out, together, maybe get away for a couple of days or so. The two of us. Did he do anything about getting time off? No. He did not. And after asking him about it repeatedly, I then had to ask him again, when October was getting close. He decided that some of the other managers had already got in and had holidays in October, so he would not be able to. He has never officially asked, of course.

So last night, he casually asked me what I am working on Thurs/Fri this week. (Never mind the fact that my roster is on the calendar in the kitchen.) I am working. He said that he has decided that he needs to get away for a couple of days. So he is going to visit his friend who has recently moved to the country (a chick who I don't really like, even more perfect.)

I'm sorry, what month is this?? October???? The month that I requested his presence for the purposes of 'getting away for a couple of days??? I am so freakin mad. And I let him know it.

The least he could've done (since asking for time off was obviously in the too-hard-basket) was coordinate two days off with my days off (he does make the roster after all, it is surely not that difficult) so we could get away together for a night.

Thoughtless.



Anyway, today at work, was having a casual conversation with one of the older nurses, and seriously, the ENTIRE conversation, she kept glancing down at my guts. It was really pissing me off. Then finally, when I was about to leave, asked me when I was joining the 'baby club.' Um, about 4 years ago, would've been great actually, thanks for asking. At least I know that I haven't been totally forgotten in the baby-making department.

Woo.

Sisters in infertility

OK so my sister sent me an interesting text message today. Her and her husband have officially separated, and are getting divorced. Divorced people. And I get this in a text message??? Sorry, what?

Aside from all the other shitty things about divorcing, and being suddenly single at about-to-turn-thirty... My sister A has also had major issues with infertility. She had terrible endometriosis, she's miscarried about 7 times, maybe more. I have lost count, shame on me. Her husband had testicular cancer, and had one testicle removed. She has always been my sounding board, the one person that has some idea of what my life is like....

And obviously now she won't be even trying to get pregnant any time soon. I've lost her for now!!

How totally selfish of me, I know I know.

I mean, of course she still understands my feelings etc, but we won't be going through any struggles together, propping each other up anymore. And we always thought that somehow we would be pregnant together, well that's obviously off the cards.

Makes me all the more grateful that I found my little online therapy group. Thank god I can still vent to cyberspace :)