Got milk?

Yeah I do!!

Found some little droplets of "milk" (looks like water really) 2 weeks ago after my BF's 30th birthday dinner. I almost kinda freaked out, but with excitement at the same time. Since then, I've been able to express some milky drops if I try, but not actually leaking - thank goodness!! And seeing as I don't want to START leaking, I haven't been trying to express any!!


Kicking...

Bean has been kicking all the time now :) Most of the time she's still gentle enough, so I'm still loving being kicked alot!

I wonder if Bean has changed sides, because she used to kick me all the time on my left, and sometimes in the middle. But now she's started to kick me on the right hand side the last few days... I don't know if she's moved, or if she's now resorted to punching me!! lol

Although Bean's still mostly gentle, every now and again, the kick/punch is so hard that it makes me say "OW!" out loud, before I even think about it

A couple of nights ago, after I had gone to bed and was moisturising my tummy, Bean started going bananas, and I could actually see her movements from the outside!! I was so excited :) I've never really watched my tummy before, it's the middle of winter over here and far too cold to sit around with a bare belly!!

DH was on his way to bed, so I called him into the bedroom. I told him that Bean was putting on a show, but he didn't seem to understand what I meant... then he suddenly stared at my tummy and pointed, and said "Did that just bounce?" :) It was really cute. He spent ages then watching my tummy, and telling me to make her do it again... as if I have any control over her!! lol


OB appointment...

I had an appointment with Dr J yesterday. I still love seeing him, he's so lovely! My BP was good again. Bean's heart rate was good - still the best sound in the world!! Sounded like a galloping horse.

Dr J measured my fundal height. He explained to DH that when you measure from the top of the pubic bone, to the top of the uterus, the measurement in centimetres is usually about the same as your gestation. So, I was expecting a measurement of 24cm, as my fundal height was spot on last visit.... oh my gosh, it's 27cm now!!!

I hope that doesn't mean that the baby is getting too big, because I'd really really like an average sized baby!! (Not that I'm being fussy, promise). Dr J just said that my uterus is growing well, which hopefully means that the baby is also growing well.

Dr J also felt my tummy, but he couldn't tell me what position the baby was in. So maybe it's not so big after all!! (fingers crossed)


Symptoms...

I'm still not complaining. Symptom-wise this has been a pretty nice pregnancy I have to say. I'm getting some heart burn every now and again, but usually mild, and nothing a Quick-Eze can't handle. And my ankles have been swelling up, especially when I've been standing up for a long time. I've started to wear some supportive knee-high stockings to work instead of socks, to see if that makes a difference. They're still swelling a bit, but we shall see how it goes! (I'm open to any other ideas of what can help with ankle swellling)

New baby pictures!!

OK I know I haven't been on here in forever, and I apologise!! I have still been reading along, just haven't gotten as far as posting anything for awhile...

Once again I have to say "Yay" for a boring pregnancy! All is going along well, now just over 19 weeks and had my scan on Wednesday, at 19w0d. Here are the pics... This one is Bean's foot. Some people have trouble making it out... Both pictures are almost the same. The long white areas are the bones in the lower leg. The knee is fat left, you can't see the upper leg. The foot is on the right, with the toes kinda pushed up against the edge of the amniotic sac... kinda cute I think! Then if you make this out, Bean has his/her legs crossed, so you can see the other foot a little bit as well, crossed under.

And this one, (which I think is a little bit freaky looking!) is Bean's face, shown front on. A lot of people have said they think this is a really cute photo, I guess I am not a huge fan of the empty looking eye sockets! :)

The doctor who did the scan was fabulous. After I asked a question about the heart, I had to divulge that I am an NICU nurse, and he was so great about it! He said I should have told him earlier, and he would've explained things better from the start. (I hadn't really wanted him to explain everything too technically for my husband's sake) And he was so fabulous! He showed me all the blood flows through the heart, all the chambers, valves and vessels. He showed us what I assume is all the 'normal' stuff that he would point out, then added in extras so I could see the absence of the common malformations that I see in the nursery. It was fab!

He also showed me my cervix, and said that it is closed and long, which means that the chances of having a very premmie baby are remote. He smiled and said "Everything I'm telling you is music to your ears, right?"

So in summary, it was a very normal ultrasound, and we are super happy parents-to-be! All the measurements that he did were spot on 19w0d so I was really pleased with that as well.

Bean's stats:

Due date: Remains 28 October, 2009

Weight: 265grams or 9 ounces

Head circumference: 19cm

Sex: Still a mystery :)

We didn't plan on finding out the sex of the baby, unless Bean was a total exhibitionist and obviously wanted us to know! The doctor was very discreet and I don't remember him even going near that area particularly. Bean was very modest, and has his/her little legs crossed, which looks super cute on the ultrasound screen. I wasn't even really tempted to find out the sex in the end, I was totally distracted looking at everything else, and I really do want a suprise in the end anyway after all our hard work and waiting for this baby!!

Feelings

I think I felt the Bean yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I nearly freaked out actually! LOL So as not to get stressed about feeling movement, I was not expecting to feel anything for another couple of weeks. I've been told that with your first pregnancy, you don't feel anything until 18-20 weeks usually, but then I've heard other variances as well. So I figured, let's hope for something around 18-20 weeks, and certainly not start getting stressed out about not feeling anything yet.

Well.

Yesterday, I felt something. It was like when a moth is beating it's wings and flying against a pane of glass. Only much, much softer. A flutter. On the left hand side, down near my pelvic bone.

I stood really still afterwards, kinda half freaking out, half overcome with excitement/emotions. Tears welled up! I was at work, so I went and rang DH to let him know. He said he wants to be able to feel Bean moving too. I guess that's one place where the dad gets left out, cos he won't be able to feel the movement for a long time.

I know it might have been something far less cool, like gas. But I'm gonna make a note of it as the day that I felt Bean for the first time.



In other news...

I've lost my husband. He was working until 10am this morning. It's now almost midday. I thought he might've got caught up at work, so I rang. He left over an hour ago. His mobile phone has no service, and I can't get hold of him. He didn't mention that he was going anywhere after work. I have no idea where he is, and it's starting to really freak me out!!!!

I hope he gets home soon..........

A question

I have found, predictably, that once you tell people that you're pregnant, they ask you a standard 'set' of questions... how far along are you, when are you due, have you had much morning sickness? etc

I recently discovered that I feel kind of uncomfortable about one of the standard questions.

Is this your first?

I don't know why it bothers me so. Yes, it's the first time that I've carried a baby this time. Yes, it will be my first born child. But it's not even close to my first pregnancy.

And it's not as though I want to tell every random person on the street about my history. That's really not what they're asking. And I don't want my 'secret IF life' to be such public knowledge. But I still feel kinda funny answering that question. Maybe it's because it reminds me of all my failed attempts. Maybe I feel a little bit guilty 'pretending' that they never happened. I'm not ashamed of them, or of having an IVF baby, but I still don't think that I need to dredge up the sad past all the time.

Having a baby, and being pregnant, is a happy time. And I know that people asking the questions are happy, and innocently asking a yes/no question. I guess I just feel a litttle conflicted about smiling, and saying "Yes, it is."

Starting to show...

Had an appointment yesterday with the midwife at my obstetrician's rooms. I see her twice, and the rest of my appointments are actually with my obstetrician. On the up-side, the midwife always runs on time, unlike my obstetrician who is notoriously late, cos he gets busy delivering babies :)

All was very straight forward. My BP was normal (I was pleased it was back down again. It was a bit high at my first obstetrician appointment because I was stressed.) She felt my uterus, and measured my fundal height, which was 15cm. I think it's supposed to be 1cm for each week? So technically it should have been 14cm, but I'm sure it's not that accurate!

And I'm glad now that I know approximately where the top of my uterus is, cos I was feeling around all over the place in there, and I had no idea what I was feeling!!

Also, she put the doppler on to see if we could pick up Bean's heartbeat. She stressed the point that the doppler is a bit "hit and miss" at this stage. But she found it!! I was really happy, it's the best sound in the world! Only heard it for about 5 seconds, and then there was a swishy sound and we lost it. I think Bean was feeling active!! She moved it around, and we picked it up again for about 2 seconds, but lost it again. She said there was a lot of static, but that was just the placenta... I have no idea why that sounds static-y!!

****************************************************************

I guess I must be showing a bit more now! One of the girls at work touched my tummy today, and asked me if I was preggers... so must be noticeable now!! I was wearing a singlet top under my work shirt today that is one size smaller than I usually wear, and I have been pulling it down all day!!!! It is driving me crazy, and I am never wearing this singlet top again!!!

Presents!!

Just a short post, but I wanted to commemorate all of Bean's first gifts!!


Above, these are the first (and only so far!) things that DH and I have bought for Bean. First of all we bought one of the cot sheets. All on sale for 50% off!! So I went back and stocked up on all the other matching bits :) Plus, I really needed to get the bassinet sheet set, cos I don't know what type of bed/cot we're going to get yet!!

Bumble bees will match the curtain material that I have.


















This jumpsuit was given to Bean from DH's parents :) He says "It's funny because it's true."
















This is the first present that Bean got from friends. A bib and a 'crunchy' book... very textile!


Also, when I was 10 weeks, one of my BF's gave me a card, and a massage voucher... gotta book it in!! I'm thinking that I will probably go next week when I'm on my days off work. Can't wait!

Bean is a Teen! Random thoughts

I said to DH on Tuesday night, "Bean will be a Teen tomorrow." He thought that was kinda funny :) Of course it means that we're 13 weeks now.

I'm starting to really get used to the idea, and telling more people. I honestly thought that the rumour would have spread right through work by now, cos that's the usual course at my work (hey, there's almost 200 women working together, the gossip usually spreads pretty quickly!) But it seems like people are keeping this one quiet... I'm suprised!!

The funniest comment that I got yesterday was when one of the girl's was looking at the 12 week picture. She pointed to Bean's head, and asked me if that was a penis that she could see!! LOL And I thought that it's head would be blatantly obvious to medical professionals!! :P

Another one of the girls was looking at me thoughtfully, and then looked at the picture, and said she thought it was a girl, cos she was getting a 'girl aura' from me. I told her she has a 50% chance of being right.

DH also thinks it's a girl. He always calls it 'she' and 'her.' I originally thought boy, now I've swung over to girl in the last couple of weeks. But really, it's not a strong feeling either way. I guess we will see how many times I change my feeling.

I had coffee with one of my friends on Monday, whose baby I looked after in the special care nursery about 8 years ago. She's so adorable and excited about the Bean, I love her. And she gave us Bean's first present, so cute!! I will put some photos up in my next post. DH and I have finally bought Bean a present also, so I will put all those pics up soon. (Forgive me, I'm on the NEW laptop this morning, and I wouldn't have a clue how to get the photos on here!! Will switch to the desktop for the next post.)

It's getting kinda easier to say "I'm pregnant," although still feels kinda strange saying it out loud, to people outside of the 'bubble' of friends that know what we've gone through.

DH told me last night that he can't wait until my belly pops out! I thought it might be a bit more 'out there' by now, especially since I read that my uterus is about the size of a small melon now... hmmm I wonder where it's hiding? My shape has definitely changed, but it's spread a little more to the sides so that I have more of a 'muffin top' these days... I would really prefer if it poked out the front, that would be cuter for sure!!

The Secret Life of Us

We've started telling people that we're pregnant.

DH was really excited about it, he kept bugging me about when he was allowed to start telling. I kept telling him, that would be after the 12 week scan.

And so, that means that we've reached that time.

Letting the cat out of the bag.

I told my bosses first, to make sure that they heard the news from me, rather than from the rumour mill. I thought that was the professional thing to do. And they were really nice about it! Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect them to be awful, but one boss in particular can be pretty disinterested about a lot of things in people's personal lives. When my best friend told her that she was pregnant, she barely tore her eyes away from the computer screen. They both said that it was wonderful for us, because they knew that we'd been trying for awhile (They both knew about the first m/c, cos I was off sick at the time that I was supposed to be having a job interview for my Clinical Nurse Specialist position).

So I've told afew other people at work as well. I feel SO weird telling people. It's like, the Secret Life of Us, that has always surrounded our pregnancy attempts and IF, is kinda going public. I mean, we're not telling people about all of our history of course, but even just saying "I'm pregnant" is the strangest thing ever. I'm actually finding it easier just to show people the ultrasound picture and let them figure it out for themselves.

People have been really positive, which has been wonderful. I've gotten so many hugs :) And I'm suprised by how many people have commented that we've been trying for awhile... I really didn't realise that so many people knew that! Or maybe they're just guessing because we've been married for eight and a half years and have been so far childless?

Either way, it's nice to have a positive response to a pregnancy. I know all of my friends mean very well, but of course they are always pretty reserved in their excitement when we get pregnant, due to my poor track record. The positive response is strange, but very refreshing.

I think I could get used to it.

12 week scan

Wow.

I am so amazed at how such a well-formed little baby can be inside me, and I don't feel a thing. And so far I can't really see a thing either! I know it's growing cos I'm still hungry and tired all the time, but apart from that... how would you ever know if you didn't look inside?

**********************************************************************

When we were sitting in the waiting room, I was starting to think that maybe it was a bad idea to have come back to the ultrasound place where we found the missed miscarriage, and the empty gestational sac. Once I was taken to the change room, and was sitting by myself waiting, I started to freak out a little bit. Had to really concentrate on my breathing, and tried to focus on crap celebrity gossip magazines. Then it was our turn!

I wore long socks, and I was really glad cos they make you change into a gown, and it was a cold night, so the extra coverage was fab :) Turns out we had the same doctor as we did the last time, although I really don't remember him. Guess I blocked him out a little.

Suprisingly, the jelly stuff that they put onto your tummy was warm! I had braced myself for that freezing cold jelly, so that was a pleasant suprise! Dr P put the probe onto my tummy, and on the screen appeared our little Bean...

I feel kinda funny now calling it Bean, cos it no longer looks anything like a Bean! My favourite part is the cute little button nose it has! We could see it's little heart beating away in it's chest, and this time it was clocked at 170bpm! It's really speeding along now, and Bean was asleep at the time too!

Dr P showed us all of Bean's limbs, (I loved the feet, so adorable!) and inside it's head so we could see both halves of the brain. He was trying to measure the skin fold at the back of the neck, but Bean would NOT wake up and move so that he could get a good measurement! He got me to cough quite a few times, but that didn't work. And then Dr P kept jiggling the probe into my tummy (my poor bladder) to try to wake it up! DH said that Bean must take after Mummy, cos he reckons he can never wake me up either :)

Finally Bean moved a little so that he could get the measurement. He had a look at my right ovary, and told me that I had ovulated from that side... I told him that I'd actually ovulated from both, but I don't think he heard me. He said the right ovary is still a little big, but not too bad.

We got a copy of the DVD, and 2 photos. I've posted the best photo. It's the one that I've been taking to work to show people, and I let DH take the not-as-good one to his work hehehe I do work with medical professionals after all!!

Caught up with girlfriends last night, including one that has been in the UK for a couple of years, and we watched the dvd. After a couple of minutes they all got distracted chatting about pregnancy and babies, but I couldn't take my eyes off my precious little Bean there on the screen.

Waving hello

We had our first obstetrician appointment yesterday (for this pregnancy). Was so nice to be back seeing Dr J after all this time, and with great news for a change. I'm back among the 'normal' pregnants, although I don't feel like I fit in with them exactly. I'm still nervous about things progressing, and conscious of every little change in my body and how I'm feeling. They all look so casual and comfortable sitting in the waiting room.

The appointment went really well. Dr J answered all my questions, and there were no real suprises with any of his answers. He checked my BP, which was up a little compared to usual, but he knew that I was a bit anxious about having a look at bub on the ultrasound machine in his office. It gave us such terrible news last time, and I have a really good memory when it comes to things like that.

Anyway, he got the ultrasound machine, and put it on my tummy (which doesn't really seem any bigger to me, just a slightly different shape maybe) and there on the screen was our little baby!! I didn't look at DH to see how he was feeling, I couldn't tear my eyes away from that little miracle. It looks nothing like it did at the first ultrasound, when it was just a blob on the screen. Now it actually looks like a tiny baby. And it waving at us!! :) The most amazing thing I have ever seen. When it kinda jumped up and then settled again, Dr J said it was showing off. I said it must take after it's mother, and DH didn't disagree lol

It was the most amazing and surreal thing ever. I can't believe that beautiful little image, waving away at us, is inside me and growing every day! I thought this morning, I should've got DH to take a photo of it on his phone, cos the machine doesn't have a printer attached to it. But at the time, my head went so blank of all other thoughts, all I could do was stare at the screen and marvel. And bite my lip so as not to cry with joy :)

Finally, an update!!

It just occurred to me that it's been 2 weeks since I've been on here!! Time has flown. Admittedly, I've spent most of that time asleep and at work LOL I come home exhausted every day, and have a nap... sometimes up to 2 hours. And I don't feel the slightest bit bad about taking that time for myself, because I've really been putting in a big effort this year to make sure I take care of myself.

I think things are going well!! I'm now 9 weeks and 2 days. Haven't put any weight on yet, despite eating about 6 times a day. But I think my shape is changing, despite the scales not agreeing with that. I feel kinda fatter. Can't wait until my bump pops out!!

Right now the whole pregnancy thing kinda feels surreal. I don't talk about it that much, cos it's not general knowledge yet. And we haven't had any tests or appointments since the 7 week scan. I guess when we had weekly bloods, and the ultrasound, and the appointment with the RE, it kept everything feeling more real, and progressing. Now I've been left kinda on my own, which is sort of scary. I think I really liked them keeping a close eye on how everything was going. Maybe that's because I've had a missed miscarriage in the past, and I'm dying to know what's happening in my uterus!!

My next appointment is next Friday, with my obstetrician. I'll be a little over 10 weeks. I'm excited to go back and see him!! We get along really well, he's been there with us for our whole journey over the last 4 and a bit years, so it's nice to go to his office with good news for a change. I'm also kinda excited and shit scared at the same time, about his little ultrasound machine. Believe me, I'm absolutely DYING to see the little Bean again. But also kinda scared of Dr J's machine, as it didn't find anything but an empty sac last time. Irrational I know, but hey, that's just me.

There's been a couple of rumours going around work that I'm 'also' pregnant. I kept a totally straight face when one of the girls confronted me about it, and I'm positive she believed that I'm not actually pregnant. Another girl told me that my boobs look bigger (Sorry, what? I didn't realise you'd taken an interest...) As there are about 200 girls on staff in the nursery I work in, it's not suprising when a bunch of girls get pregnant all around the same time. Kinda inconvenient for me, cos it starts everyone talking about pregnancy, and speculating about who's going to be next. I've been asked more than once if it will be me that's next... I can't wait to reveal it to everyone, but I'm still too cautious to say anything before the 12 week scan.

As far as symptoms go, I haven't had much in the way of nausea. That's nice, and I'm kinda happy, but a bit of nausea would make me feel more confident about the little Bean! Some smells make me gag, and brushing my teeth makes me gag (almost made me vomit the other day) but feeling fine in between time, apart from tired and hungry as usual. Getting a few more pimples now too, is that my skin's idea of glowing??

Well, I think that's about it for today. I really will get my butt into gear and post more often, I want a record of how I'm feeling and how everything's going, and NOT posting is not accomplishing that!!

Hello to all my friends in blogland... I've been trying to catch up with all your blogs, and if I haven't commented yet, I promise it will be soon. Even if just to say hello :)

Introducing....

Measuring perfectly for gestation (7 weeks) and with a gorgeous little heart beating at 132bpm, it's...

My baby!!!!

Can't describe how happy, relieved and excited I am!!

Was feeling only midly nervous on the way there, but the time I got into the ultrasound office, I was sweaty (palms and armpits - ew), I could feel my heart rate was racing, and my legs were turning to jelly. Thank goodness DH was there to hold my hand!

I really liked the ultrasound lady's form, she went straight to the baby and showed us it's little heart beating, before she moved on to the other bits like measuring my ovaries and checking other things. When she measured my ovaried, she asked if they'd gotten a lot of eggs out... are they still stretched??

She also asked me if I'd had some bleeding, and measured something next to the gestational sac. I asked Dr W about it afterwards, (he didn't have the ultrasound report yet) and he said it sounded like a [insert medical terminology here that I've already forgotten the name of] which is quite common and is usually behind the gestational sac, and causes some bleeding. So maybe that's been my little trouble maker, hmmmm.

Dr W also said that my hormone levels were quite high, and asked if there were one or two in there... a question that my friends have been asking for some time!! Well, there's only one that we know about!! Which is just fine with me, I am over the moon with one strong little one.

Dr W said that he was not suprised that this one took. That when he did the transfer, he thought "Yep, that's the one." He thinks I'll have to stay on the aspirin until about 20 weeks, but that he'll leave that decision to Dr R, my regular obstetrician. And I don't have to come back and see Dr W until we're ready to the FET.

That must be the best part of their job, he was almost as radiant as we were!

I am in awe of this little being that's inside me. I can't stop looking at the pic!! I already made copies of it, so I can put one in my purse, and give some to the grandparents :)

Nearly ultrasound time...

6 weeks and 4 days today, creeping ever so much closer to the ultrasound date!! I wish it was closer, I think it was supposed to be right about now, but of course it's the weekend, how inconvenient!!

Had a little spotting again on Friday at work, but apart from that all seems fairly settled. Still taking it easy... I've spent the last couple of weekends sitting around on the couch, mostly watching movies or tv, trying to just rest up so as not to disturb the baby. Hopefully it's working.

I find myself swinging between feelings of 'everything's fine' and being happy, and then stressing and worrying about bleeding or something else going wrong. I think I've kept a lid on it pretty well. I'm trying to keep the negative thoughts away in case the baby catches a hint of them, but I can't help them creeping into my head sometimes, especially when I feel a twinge, or have a spot.

I've also realised that I'm shit scared of my pregnancy calendar. You know those blank calendars you get, with the stickers to mark in different occasions, and you have to fill in all the dates until you're due, and it gives you advice and little spots to fill in blanks? I can't bring myself to fill it in yet. I got it out of my wardrobe, and read all the little bits, and checked out the cute stickers. But I can't fill it in yet. I have filled in one or two before, and ended up having to throw them out cos of course they're covered in irrelevant dates then. I don't want to go through all the effort and then have to throw out another one. Maybe after Thursday I will make a start on it.

We have our ultrasound appointment Thursday at 1.45pm (I will be 7 weeks and 1 day) and then our appointment with Dr W at 4pm. I told DH that we can go to the Italian restaurant down the road in between for a late, hopefully celebratory, lunch in between appointments.

Turns out DH is going to have to meet me at the ultrasound appointment. He'll have to work in he morning, and then meet me there straight from work. I'm kinda annoyed about that, even though I know I shouldn't be. Having a 6-7 week ultrasound without freaking out is not exactly my forte! I know from past experience that my heart will probably be racing and my palms will undoubtably be sweating up a storm. I usually make DH drive to ultrasound appointments, cos my hands will be slipping off the steering wheel!! Hopefully I will cope better than usual this time. We will find out on Thursday I guess.

Quick update...

Just a quick one!! Cos I'm really tired after work, and starving hungry as usual, only time for a quick update before I run away to cook dinner!!

Had my bloods today, and beta hcg was good again... 31,131!! I have never ever had a beta that high, so pretty excited... finally starting to feel more real now, and a little more comfortable about it. I put my numbers into my babymed graph, but it only goes to 24 days, so my line would actually extend another few days to the right.... did that make any sense??
My nurse called with the results this afternoon, and kinda said goodbye! She said that this was the last time she would be calling me with results, and I don't have to come back to the clinic. My progesterone level was lower than last time, which she said would explain the spotting on the weekend, but still within the normal range. Now only 7 days until we get to 'meet' the little bubba at the ultrasound!!! I go back to see Dr W on the same afternoon, a couple of hours later, and then I think I'll be officially discharged back to my usual obstetrician... things are moving in the right direction!! I'm still nervous, and will definitely feel a lot more confident after the ultrasound, but things all seem to be going the right way, so that definitely helps!

OK I'm off to cook some dinner! Take care out there in blogland x

Just a quick, spotty update!

OK so I continue to have about 3 spots a day. Just once a day. Just enough to freak me out once a day when I pee.

It's not fresh. I'm not crampy.

I rang my nurse coordinator this afternoon, just for advice. I thought I should probably just give her a head's up, even if it's nothing.

And that's exactly what she thinks it is.

She said she's not concerned, but to let her know if it becomes fresh, or I start getting cramps. In the meantime, carry on, business as usual. Bloods scheduled for Thursday as planned. She said that because I have spotted a little (which is quite common) my progesterone might be a little low, and if it is, I'll go back on some supplements.

Fine with me!!

To be honest, when I stopped the progesterone, I kinda felt like they'd left me to do this all on my own now... where did my training wheels/wings go??? I'm not so sure I can ride/fly by myself!!!!

So, we wait for Thursday.

In the interim, I'm relaxing as much as possible. Clocking a good amount of couch hours.

Tonight I've sent DH out to get me my favourite noodles :)

2nd beta... on track

Sorry for taking so long to put an update on here!! Work has been chaos as usual, and I've been exhausted all the time, taking 'nanna naps' after my shifts. Plus, have had a couple of things on in the evenings this week.

Had my 2nd beta on Thursday, and feeling fine about it. My nurse rang with the results, 3994 which she said was normal. Sounds like a great number to me!! I've only had a beta that high once before. With both my early m/c's, I haven't managed a beta anywhere near that high. It made me feel a lot better about my chances of carrying this little one. Everyone keeps telling me how strong it is, and we're staying positive about it.


Had a little bleed this morning, which freaked me out a bit. Hardly anything, just 2 wipes worth on the loo paper after I peed. It was fresh looking though. Have been reclining on the couch all day since, and haven't had any more. DH has been really, really good, getting me food and drinks so I can lay around and try to relax.

I know DH always finds it incredibly hard when there's even a hint of something going wrong, so I know he finds this difficult. I stayed really calm when I told him, and didn't make a big deal about it, even though secretly I was talking myself into relaxing. He has always said, that he won't feel really secure about things until we get the ultrasound where he sees the heartbeat. That's the one thing we have never achieved before. Less than 2 weeks now until the u/s.

So, I'm really happy to have the weekend off, AND no plans for once, so that I can chill all weekend.

Next beta is on Thursday again, fingers staying crossed until then!!

1 duck and 2 fat ladies

Kinda. I think. I'm not really into bingo talk!!! lol

Anyways, had my bloods done today, and it's official.

Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beta today (16 days post transfer) was 288. I'm not really an expert on betas to be honest. The nurse said that they expect a number between 80 and 100 today, and that I'd done very well!! Although baby med says that normal range for 4 weeks + 2 days is 200-300. My friend A still thinks we're having twins :)

More bloods next Thurs, and the Thurs after that, to make sure the beta is rising nicely. Then the (dreaded) ultrasound is the Thurs after that, which happens to be the same day as my followup appointment with my RE, so that's worked out nicely.

I stopped in at my obstetrician's office after work (it's almost right next to the hospital I work in) and started the process of booking in. I know you have to get in early!! Unfortunately he wasn't there, he was in surgery, cos I woulda loved to have seen him, and I can guarantee I woulda got a big hug!! Never mind. Haven't got the appointment yet, cos his books are pretty full, but the receptionist said he's planning to add in some extra appointment times, and she'll get back to me.

It's still kinda surreal, but I'm liking it. And I don't feel shit scared like I have the last couple of times. We're staying positive. We believe that this is the right sperm, and the right egg. We know it fertilised nicely. So now we just wait, and make sure it 'sticks' around.

Yesterday... 8dp5dt....

OK I totally caved yesterday and POAS. Why? Because the box made some very impressive claims...

• Australia's most sensitive test
• Most women have enough hCG to be detected as early as 6 days before the day of their missed period
• 99% accurate
• Simple

So I was still planning to do the thing on Wednesday morning, and thought I'd do the right thing and follow the instruction "Please read this leaflet carefully before performing this test." And came across this little tidbit... can be used at time of day. There is no need to use first morning urine. Well, that was all the encouragement I needed!!!

I went and peed on that thing, with my good old afternoon urine :) And as the liquid was moving across the results window, I could already see 2 lines. 2 freaking lines!!!! I had to leave it there on the floor, and leave the room. I was shit scared that maybe they all look like that as the liquid moves across, but then if it's gonna be a negative, only one darkens up and the other one fades?!

Longest. 3. minutes. ever.

When I went back in the ensuite, I kinda snuck up on the test, I was scared to look at it!! But here it is...I'm so stoked to have a dark line!!! Previously, ALL my HPTs have had a faint line, and I hate it so much. I have this pee stick sitting next to my bed, I had to look at it again when I woke up this morning, in case I dreamt it!!

I'm 4 weeks pregnant today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We spent last night driving around, stopping in at both sets of parents, DH's sister (the good one), and my 2 besties. We are still waiting, of course, for Friday's BT, and keeping our fingers crossed for a great beta... but in the meantime, yay!!! We'll spread the good news a little more after that... of course I would tell you girls tho!!

DH wasn't actually home from work yet when I POAS, and the traffic was terrible, so I had to wait a whole hour before I saw him, and showed him the pee stick. A whole hour!!! OK I admit, after half an hour of excitedly waiting, I had a nap!! LOL

My BF A said she couldn't believe that I got such a dark line at 13dpo, especially with afternoon urine. She used the same brand, and despite it's claims, she got a negative result the first time when she did it with afternoon urine.

So, if everything progresses as we're hoping, we will be due to have a little bubba on October 28th!!!

I'm so relieved and excited.

7dp5dt

And the waiting is starting to irk me. This really is a test of patience, and of my mental stability.

Only a few more days to go.

I had to really talk myself out of stopping at the supermarket on the way home, because I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from buying a HPT!! I don't want to be tempted by it yet. While there's not one in the house, I can't give in to moments of weakness, without a trip to the supermarket. And let's face it, I'm kinda lazy :)

I still have a couple of symptoms, but I can still attribute them all to something else (eg progesterone) so I'm trying not to think about them. And for the most part it's working, thank god. Hence, I'm still (mostly) sane.

I rang my RE today and made another appointment. The clinic recommends that you go back and see the doc about 2 weeks after the BT. My appointment is actually almost 3 weeks after the BT, but Dr W only consults once a week, so what are you gonna do? Really.

My mum gave me a crystal yesterday. She said that she chose it when she was in a meditation class. It wasn't her first choice, but somebody else took the one she was going to grab. Then she got this one (it's clear quartz). While she was meditating, she was thinking of nothing in particular, and the image of a moving (really active!) fetus came to her in the crystal (she assures me she is not, in fact, crazy). And she felt compelled to give it to me. So I've had it in my bra ever since. I'm scared that I'm going to lose it some time when I take my bra off cos I always forget it's there, but every little good luck charm is important at this stage!!

I will let you know when I give in to the urge and do a HPT. I'm kinda thinking it might be Wednesday.... we will see, cos I'm shit scared of getting a negative result.

4dp5dt... Waiting...

I'm proud to say that I have not driven myself psycho.

Yet.

I have tried not looking at anything, or my body, too closely, and trying not to over examine everything I'm feeling. I know that afew of my 'symptoms' are possibly side effects of the progesterone that I'm taking every night.... such as waking up in the middle of the night to pee every night, around 3am. And being quite tired despite being on annual leave this week and taking it easy. And the sore boobs, which frankly have been hanging around for awhile. And I think I've found a couple of veins here and there that I hadn't noticed before, although I am honestly trying not to look for things!!

Today I feel slightly blah. Not exactly nauseous. But as I'm getting hungry, I feel a bit blah. I have this weird thing where I kinda don't want to admit to anyone that I'm feeling anything. Cos what if the embryo hasn't taken, and I end up with a BFN. Then I think I might feel kinda stupid. Or psychotic, which will probably be not far from the truth by next week anyway.

I'm still ever so slightly sore from collection, too, which I am pretty over now. It's just a teeny niggly dull ache now, but I think that 9 days post collection, it should be about done. They did say that I would be sore, especially because they collected so many eggs, but really.

And yesterday (PS this might be TMI) when I wiped after I peed, there was what I assume was some progesterone gel coming back at me. And a teeny bit of brown mixed in with it. I guess it was old blood?? I had a teeny freak out at first, as we do. But then I settled down pretty quickly. It was definitely brown, no hint of red. And I figure it could possibly be from implantation. Or, more likely, probably just a remnant leftover from collection. And I've had nothing since.

I am trying to work out which is the best day to POAS, any advice??? I would hate to do it too early and get a negative. And so far I'm not at that point where I feel like I desperately need to POAS (probably cos I know it's too early right now, and there's nothing I can do about it). But I'm sure by next week I will be holding myself back from buying a test... or seventy.

Oh, also today we got a letter in the mail from my nurse coordinator, giving us a summary of our treatment cycle. Turns out we have just the one snow baby. I'm glad we have one, I would hate to have had none left, out of 27 potentials!! So I told DH that if we want more than 2 kids, we will have to either make 1 the old fashioned way, or do this whole thing again some day, with ICSI. As I've said for a long time to people who ask me how many kids I want, "Let's start with one, and see how that goes" :)

The big day... Transfer!!

I now have one little embryo inside me.

It's so cool.

It's so surreal.

What am I now? Pregnant? Almost pregnant? An embryo carrier? A substitute petri dish? I don't know! :)

Arrived at the hospital this morning for our embryo transfer. Unfortunately, DH was back at work today, and being a Monday, there was no way he could skip. So we met each other there. He went to work for a couple of hours prior, and then had to go back again afterwards.

Got admitted pretty promptly, got my labels on again (they get checked about a bizillion times) and then we waited. Seems like we waited there for ages, for the embryologist to come see us. Cos yesterday was Sunday, we didn't get an update on the embabies, so I was keen to find out how they were doing.

Turns out, we had one beautiful blastocyst, and that was the chosen one for transfer. She showed us a photo (so exciting!) and pointed out the nice 'core' in it, and the 'fluffy' cells around the outside, which are apparently the features they look for when selecting a blastocyst. We have another one that's almost as good, but it's core isn't quite as nice. That will probably be our only snow baby!! A couple of others who didn't progress overnight, will be checked again this afternoon to see if they catch up to freezer-worthy status. So that might be it! (btw, this photo is not my photo, but that's what mine looked like)

Then we sat and waited some more. DH was holding my hand, cos I was feeling nervous. After a while longer, a nurse came (another one that's looked after me before) and took us to the "Transfer Room".

OK it's a small room, with a little curtain near the door. There's the world's most uncomfortable looking chair in the centre (I guess I was the star of the day after all), a tiny ultrasound machine next to the chair, attached to a laptop. A small chair for DH on my other side. That's about it. My chair was of course height adjustable, slightly reclined, with gorgeous stirrups at the end (optional velcro straps to 'tie' you down) and a moveable lamp thing by the right stirrup. Woo, what a joy ride!!

After stripping my bottom half and covering up with a blanket, again we sat and waited. My palms were sweating a little, but I was generally okay I gotta say. There is an option to take sedatives prior to transfer, but I've been told that it's better not to, and to be honest I really didn't need them anyway.

Check out my transfer toes!! :) I went with purple, then added some 'Diamond Shine.' In the end, I was wishing I'd worn socks. Even though it was warm outside, my feet actually got quite cold sitting around waiting for Dr W! I made DH hold them for a sec to warm them up a bit :)

Finally Dr W came into the room, and I gave my permission for a student doctor to come in as well (hey the more the merrier in the tiny room, right? hehehe Actually, I know they have to learn somehow, so whatever). Dr W said that we'd learned some things during this cycle. He said that even though we had a great number of eggs (27) we really didn't have a great number of them fertilise. 10 did nothing at all. (9 were too immature, they were excused). Dr W said that although sometimes egg and sperm don't like each other very much in the lab, it was still a low number. So if we have to stim and collect again (please God no) then he is going to do ICSI to improve the fertilisation results.

Dr W almost yelled at the student doctor, who had started to close the door. Dr W said, everyone feels a need to close the door when things are happening vaginally. (Thank God for the curtain!) But when someone is bringing an embryo from the lab, you don't want them to have to take a hand off your embryo to worry about opening the door. Fair point I guess!

Then on with business. Another nurse that I know from previous admissions in the hospital held the ultrasound probe on my tummy. She was fabulous! She showed us all the landmarks that we were looking at on the screens. Showed me where my bladder was, where my uterus was. Dr W put the speculum in (fairly gently actually!) and then passed the guide catheter, and you could see the end of that on the screen as well. When everything was in position, they rang the lab and asked them to bring the embryo. (I know this is long, sorry! I want to have a record of it for myself)

On the screen, you could see where they passed the catheter through the guide catheter, and stopped about 1cm from the uterine wall (apparently that gives you the best chance of pregnancy). Then we could see the fluid passing through the catheter, and then there was a white blob on the ultrasound screen. That's where the fluid, and my little embaby were! Again, it was really surreal to think that the miracle of life was happening right there, inside me and on the tv screen!!

I had to stay in the same position while the lady went back to the lab to ensure that the embryo hadn't gotten stuck in the catheter. Once we got the all clear, the room cleared out. After all the waiting, it happened so fast!! I couldn't believe it was already finished! Dr W said "Hopefully that will be the only IVF you ever need." I kinda hope he's right!! He said that we had a 75% chance of getting pregnant from this cycle, cos there's a 50% shot with each of our 2 beautiful blastocysts. So we're certainly trying to stay positive and "glass half full" about it, and hope that this is the one!

Unfortunately DH had to go straight back to work, which was such a bugger cos I wanted to go and celebrate. So I met up with my mum and my sister, we went to my favourite Chinese restaurant, and had a banquet for lunch. It was nice!

My blood test is going to be next Friday 20th Feb. I'm wondering which day I will POAS, might depend how long I can last for. Right now I'm feeling calm about it, but I wonder how long that will last. I've certainly heard that this 2ww is tough.

****************************************************************************

In other, not so exciting news, our state is in crisis. Saturday was the hottest day Melbourne's had since records began. It was the hottest day any capital city in Australia has ever had. In Melbourne, the mercury hit almost 47 degress celcius. And there were winds of up to 100km/hr. Consequently, there were an unprecedented number of bushfires, all over the state. Some are still burning out of control today. So far the death toll stands at 130. Several towns have been wiped off the map completely. Around 1000 people are homeless. We are blessed not to have been in any danger, although we could smell the smoke and there was a horrible smoke haze all over the sky. It's our state's worst disaster in history.

My well-behaved embryos

And then there were eight!!

One more jumped on board yesterday afternoon, woo! :) C tells me that they're all doing fine, and all where they should be on Day 2. I am so relieved. I hope y'all don't think I was being ungrateful yesterday about having 7 embies in the lab, I was just stressing about them.

I thought C would never call. I emailed her a little before lunchtime and asked her to call me at work, because I had left her phone number at home. Good planning, Mel. Anyhoo, I watched the phone like a hawk for the rest of the afternoon (luckily I didn't have to discharge any babies today!) and it never rang. Dammit.

Got my mobile out of my locker after work, and I just missed her call. Dammit again. Tried calling her back, but there was no answer. Grrrr. I sent her phone number to DH's mobile and asked him to call, as I was about to start driving. 5 minutes later, she called, SO apologetic that she hadn't called me at work. Never mind, at least she called. I would have gone mad thinking and worrying about my embabies all night until tomorrow's call!!

Took me forever to get to sleep last night. First of all, I couldn't get comfortable. How long does this damn bloated abdomen hang around for I ask you?? And then I couldn't turn my mind off. No matter how hard I tried. Think I got to sleep some time around 1am, which always makes the 5.15am alarm more fun!!

Anyway. After speaking to C on the phone today, I am feeling much happier. I'm still having some separation anxiety, but feeling less stressed about the embabies. Tomorrow I get the call to book in a time for transfer.

Fertilisation Report... Day One

C rang me today far earlier than I expected!

It's DH's bday today, and I happen to be off work after egg collection, so we decided to go to the movies, nice and relaxing. All my literature said that I would get a call between 2-4pm, so we caught an 11.45am session. And C called me before the movie started!! I freaked out a little, wondering why she would call so early, but all was ok.

She said she was calling to see how I was... well, still pretty sore actually. And it's not just my lower abdomen, I kinda hurt all over my guts, and I'm still walking real slow. Sure hope that improves before my return to work tomorrow!! On the upside, bleeding seems to have just about stopped, which I am loving. Finally, when they said that the bleeding would only last for about 24 hours, they seem to have been right!!

OK so here's how my little lab babies are doing... 9 of those eggs were too immature, and didn't fertilise. Fair enough. 7 fertilised overnight (yay!) And there's another 11 that they were going to check again this afternoon, to see if anyone fertilised late.

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, 7 is fantastic. We are currently referring to them as the 7 dwarves, although I'm really not keen for a Dopey or a Grouchy :)


On the other hand, I was initially disappointed. What the heck are those other 11 doing??? C said that they were able to add sperm to all of the eggs, so what are all those other millions of sperm doing?? The egg is right there after all, it's hardly much to ask for them to do!!! Ehhhh

I wonder if I relaxed too much when they said 27. I thought there would be loads fertilised, and it wouldn't really matter if a few dropped off before the 5 days is up, we would still have lovely quality embies to transfer. Now with seven, I'm a little more stressed about how they will grow. I feel really protective of my 'babies' already, and they are only tiny little dots!!

I'm not sure when I get another report. I thought I might hear something this afternoon, after they checked the 11. But so far nothing, and it's getting near to 5pm. I wonder if C will ring tomorrow to let me know how they're doing?? She's not working this weekend, so she said one of the other girls will ring on Saturday to set up a time for Monday. But apart from that, I don't know. Hmmmm. Perhaps I will ring tomorrow if I haven't heard anything. I already hate being apart from my precious little cargo!!

Egg collection

I am far from thinking of a witty title today, but hey! I was just under anaesthetic less than 3 hours ago!!!!

Just got home from day surgery. I'm disappointed to say that I'm still really bloated, and I'm sore, but there is nothing else to be disappointed about, because today went AWESOME.

We got stuck in a little traffic this morning, which stressed me out a bit, but still made it to the hospital on time, so I'm happy about that!! DH had to leave me immediately, because he was booked in to make his deposit at the same time as my admission time. I had hoped to see him again while I was still in one of the little waiting rooms preparing for theatre, but apparently he just missed me. Oh well, I'm a big girl, I managed by myself :)

My RE had warned me that he may not be doing the procedure, because it depended on who was rostered on each day. But I was pleasantly surprised when he walked in the door and said he would be doing my procedure! He looked at my ultrasound report and said I must feel like a balloon that's ready to pop, cos there's so many follies in there. I could not disagree with that!

I also had the same anaesthetist that I've had at that day surg twice before, so I knew all my docs, which I think made thinks easier. He's the head of anaesthetics, you can't really ask for better, can you?? He was lovely again, and I was asleep in no time (does anyone else kinda like that feeling when you're going into a drug-induced sleep?? No? Just me? Okay...)

Woke up a bit sore, but nothing that a hot pack and some pain killers couldn't take the edge off. The nurse handed me a piece of paper with my result on it, and said it was no wonder I was feeling sore... (drum role please)


27 EGGS!!!!

I feel like I should be in the Guinness world records or something lol

One of the nurses who has looked after me every time that I've been there told me I'm a mother hen :) She's so sweet.

DH said that he did fine as well, and the nurse said the sample looked good. So now we wait! Fingers crossed for a good fertilisation report, it's DH's bday tomorrow. My RE said that with a high number of eggs, we had a great chance of fertilising some eggs that will behave for the full 5 days, so hopefully transfer will be Monday.

I think I will be even happier once I'm not so tired. I'm always a little knocked out after anaesthetic, even the lighter ones!! I'm gonna go lie on the couch and catch some daytime tv. DH is cooking dinner :)

Perfect.

Ultrasound #2... woo hoo!!

Let me start by saying, I was feeling SO much better for this ultrasound, than I was for ultrasound #1. Amazing what a decent ultrasound experience can do to thwart one's irrational fear of ultrasounds.

We arrived at the clinic early, traffic was unexpectedly fabulous, even taking into account that it's the kids first day back at school today! We arrived at 6.55am, and my blood giving appointment wasn't until 7.20am. We decided to go in anyway, so DH could read magazines while we waited.

Turns out, most of the 7.10am appointments hadn't gotten there yet, so we were in and out of there in only a few minutes! (much to DH's disgust, he was trying to finish reading the article that he started last time we were there hehehe)

Figured we might as well wait in the ultrasound clinic (next door) even though we were way early for our 7.30am ultrasound appointment... and we got to go straight in there as well!! I rather enjoyed this lack of time to stress about the ultrasound to be honest.

Oh, I went with socks today, because my appointments were right before work. Not too exciting I know, but I'm really into stripes! Can I point out that I also had purple undies, bra and singlet... very coordinated! :)


I thought this ultrasonographer was alot more thorough than the last one. She spent a good deal of time measuring, and she was lovely. (The last one was lovely also). I just kicked back and watched the numbers on the screen. I nearly freaked out when there was one on the left that was 25mm!! A couple of others were 20mm and above, with a bunch of other ones around 16-19mm.

We headed back to the IVF clinic to get the results, and the lady there (not my normal nurse, who didn't start until 9am today) said "You'd better keep Wednesday free!!"

Woo!!! I was so excited, couldn't wipe the smile off my face :) She said that there were lots of follicles, and I must be ready to pop (so true.) She also said it was a really great result for a first cycle. I'm so proud of the team!!

My nurse coordinator, C, rang me this afternoon to give me all the other details. I have to trigger tonight at 8.30pm. No more nasal spray!! SO happy about that!! Tomorrow is a drug free day, also VERY happy about that. And then fasting from midnight Tuesday night, for admission Wednesday morning at 9.30am, and collection at 10.30am. She also checked if I've been having any symptoms of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome... that's kinda scary, I guess the follicles must either be humungous, or in a pack!!!

I think DH was ever so slightly disappointed that we're not collecting on Thursday, cos that's his birthday, and he thought it would be cool to conceive on his birthday :) But I'm stoked!! It's getting so close now, I can hardly wait. Was a little hard to concentrate when I first got to work, but now I have only one more day to get through, yay!

My work pants were kinda unconfortable all day today, due to my embarrassingly bloated tummy. Every time I sat down, I had to pull the waist band up so it didn't sit over my ovaries!

***********************************************************************************

In other news, I found out this afternoon that I didn't get the job I applied for. I wasn't even a bit suprised, I'd already convinced myself that I didn't get it. I wasn't too hard to convince, after my lousy, hormone induced interview!!! I'm a little disappointed, but keeping my focus on making a baby, and looking after myself instead. At least I don't have the stress of a new job to add to the mix.

Ultrasound #1

I admit that I was really freakin nervous about this ultrasound. But, not the complete mess that I usually am before ultrasounds, so that was good. Still anxious, raised heart rate and palms slightly sweaty, but overall pretty good for me!!

I had planned to wear some gorgeous socks ala PJ, but had to revise plans as we are currently in a heat wave, and today is again 43 degrees celcius. So I had to paint the nails instead, and then coordinate my singlet top and undies with my nails :) I give you "Mint Ice"...



The ultrasonographer was really nice, and the probe wasn't too terrible, which was good. And I was super-relieved to see those bunch-of-grape-looking ovaries on the screen!! I was watching her measure them, so I had a fair idea what they would say. She did measure one at 22mm wide, but he looked pretty squashed, only 10mm high. So I did wonder about a lead follicle.

My nurse coordinator told me to stop in and see her after my scan and bloods, and she had the results there for me! (The ultrasonographer used a back door, and brought them in from next door to the clinic). C said I have about 30 follicles in there!! (No wonder it aches when I lie on my tummy) Only about 6 are mature right now, and measuring between about 12-14mm.

I'm so relieved!! I had this mental picture of having my scan, and then getting asked if I was sure I'd been taking my Gonal-F, cos they couldn't find any follies... phew!! C knew I was really nervous about the scan, and she was just lovely and made me feel much happier. All the scans get reviewed in an ultrasound meeting, and then they call everyone with plans. We're anticipating continue the injections over the weekend, and probably re-scanning on Monday. C thinks the follies will be big enough by then, yay!

So, hopefully we can trigger and collect next week... looks like it might even end up being on DH's birthday, which is Thursday. What a treat for him, producing a fresh sample on his bday lol

Looks like the follies listened to us talking to them, and we all seem to be pulling together as a team, so I am happy :) We had hoped they would be ready today to collect on Monday, but realistically, Monday is not a good day to have away from work anyway, so this is probably better.

Now we just have to think of something to do today to beat the heat!! Walking through the house is like walking through a mine field, there's cats and dogs sprawled on the floor everywhere, poor hot darlings!!!

Aches and nerves

I am sorry that I blogged about not being sure about the follies!!! Ever since I let those words spill out into the blogosphere, I have been bloated and achey... which I'm hoping is a good thing!! It's certainly made me feel more relaxed about it anyway. Only 2 more injections now before my date with the dildo cam on Friday morning...

I'm starting to get nervous about the scan. Seems like this treatment takes forever, but then at the same time, it feels like certain milestones along the way are suddenly about to happen.

I know that this scan will be different, because it's not a pregnancy ultrasound. But I have never ever had a good ultrasound.

Ever.

And I know that makes me more nervous.

Scan #1 diagnosed our missed miscarriage.
Scans #2 and #3 confirmed miscarriages.
Sacns #4 and #5 diagnosed an ectopic pregnancy.

Consequently, I have great difficulty keeping my nerves under control any time I go for a scan. I think it's a learned behaviour. My palms sweat like nobody's business, and I can feel my blood pressure and heart rate rising, the closer we get to the clinic.

I hope this scan is different. I hope I more calm than I usually am for scans. I hope it shows what it's supposed to show. Come on follies, we are all working as a team here, don't you forget it!!

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Has anyone been watching the Australian Open tennis grand slam? It's in my home town of Melbourne :) We usually go, but have been a bit distracted this year and didn't get our acts together.

Serena Williams just won her quarter final. She's now the only non-Russian woman in the semis!!

We are in what they are calling our hottest week in a century. Every day for 5 days straight is expected to reach over 40 degrees celcius.
And I am supposed to working night shift all week!! Lucky for me, I had already planned to take the week off on sick leave, only worked one night shift, last night. Thank goodness I am not working tonight, cos I only managed 4 hours sleep... we haven't quite got around to installing the air conditioning yet!!

Needless to say, it is very, very hot. And I am playing netball tonight...

I wonder

4 injections down and I just wonder how the follies are doing.... nay, I am dying to know how the follies are doing!!!!

I don't know whether I'm getting bloated or not. I have definitely put on a little weight on the scales, but that could just be me getting fatter. Should I be noticeably bloated by now?? How big should the follies be right now? Should I notice them sticking out of my abdomen like golf balls??

Ehhhhh I hate not knowing!! What if I am doing something not quite right with the injections... did I pull out the dose confirmation thingie all the way? Did I press it in all the way? Is it possible not to give yourself the right dose if you've dialled up the right dose??

I drive myself crazy. I thought that I would be less crazy than usual once I started the drugs. But alas, I'm just as clinically insane as always :)

I just don't want to rock up to the ultrasound on Friday, and get the call saying "Are you sure you've been injecting like we told you?? We really can't tell."

Does everyone freak out a little about it? Aside from a touch of bitchiness, and the overwhelming tiredness at times, I don't feel much different to usual, and I guess that concerns me a bit. I would be feeling far more confident if I was a raging ball of hormones, and DH was scared to come near me.

I'm sure it's probably all fine, fine, fine. I just wish there was some way I could tell!!

I did it!!! 2 down, 7 to go...

I have started my Gonal-F, and I did it myself!! Yay :)

All this time, I have been convincing everyone else that I will be just fine doing it myself. No problems. DH doesn't need to worry about it. I just needed to prove it to myself... and I did!! I am proud of myself. It's not every day that one has to self-inject (actually, for me it is every day, but hopefully only for 9 days hehehe)

Got this cute little mat with it, that tells you where to set everything out, and then has the instructions all along the bottom, in case you forget. Has a yellow square in the corner Place sharps container here. A rectangle under that Place needle here. etc. I think it's kinda cute, like a placemat, so I can 'set the table' ready for shooting up.

When I did the first injection, I could feel like a nervous panic rising inside me, which could have overcome me if I had let it. But I kept it together, and now I feel fine about it. Phew!!

Straight after I did the first one, DH asked me if he could do one. Um, let's recap... DH said he was not interested in doing the injections, which suited me just fine. At the seminar where we learned how to give them, I offered him the opportunity to use the practice injection pen and the fake belly fat, even just for fun, and he was not interested. I'm not sure how much attention he has actually paid to any of the instructions... hmmm.

I told him I would like to do at least a few first, and then we will see. I don't want to be his practice pin cushion, and I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt me. I was thinking maybe I could grab a needle and syringe from work so he can practice on something. Or wait until my first injection pen is empty, and he can practice with that?

In the meantime, I told him that he has to talk to the follies and encourage them :) So we had a good word to them on injection day 1, and told them that we're all working as a team here, and they're expected to perform!

I sure hope they listened

Good day, bad day, good day

Kicked off the morning with the good ol nasal spray... and then off to the clinic for early morning bloods. Today I was finding out if the Synarel spray has been working, and if I'm down-regulated like I'm supposed to be.

There were a whole bunch of women there, apparently they book quite a few blood tests in for the same time. I thought most women might still be in bed at 7.10am, expect for the crazy ones among us who are supposed to be at work already!

Turned out that I was NOT one of the women on the list. Sorry, what? I don't know what happened. The reception lady got my file out, and sure enough, it said I was supposed to be there!! Never mind, I was in the blood taking room for a grand total of about 2 minutes, I'm sure I didn't hold anyone up too much.

She went for a different vein than "Old faithful," which everyone always go for. Sadly, my veins are deep and narrow, a fact which I grew very aware of when I had my ruptured appendix removed, and required a new IV cannula every day.

Anyway, I thought the blood lady was good, but my arm seemed to bruise immediately. Bummer. It still sporting a nice blue glow now. I'm wondering if the vein she used was a narrower one than Old faithful is...

So after bloods, it was time to head 2 doors down, to work. And today was also job interview day!! I ended up applying for the educator position at work. I got inside info, and I knew that only 4 people had applied, so thought my chances were pretty good. Until I got my Synarel-scrambled brain into the interview, and couldn't focus or think of any good answers!! Felt like a complete idiot, pretty sure I blew it... It is not a good sign when one of the interview panel writes the word "Poor" on your sheet, right?? Wish I hadn't seen that...

Don't think that helped with the headache that ended up lingering all day long.

So then it was back to waiting for blood results. I started stressing about them yesterday. I've been really sniffly lately (um, why is that?? It was 41 degrees celcius today, 37 yesterday...) and sneezy!! I know that if you sneeze withing 4-5 minutes of spraying, you have to spray again. But sometimes I sneeze after 6 minutes, and wonder if I absorbed it all. And then I sniff for a good half hour because I'm too scared to blow my nose and maybe lose the drugs in my tissue!!

Anyways, C called me just after 3pm, and said that my blood results were perfect :) We're right to go ahead and start the Gonal-F on Thursday night as planned. I'm going to have a good talking to my ovaries, and then to my follies when they start growing. I want us all to work as a team!!

At least the blood results brightened my day somewhat, and despite the headache, I got my mojo back again!!

Now I just hope that I really can go through with the self-injecting... fingers crossed please!!

Bleeding again!!

Oh man!! Just when I thought the bleeding was over... I've got my period!!! Boo!!!!

My nurse coordinator had told me when I picked up the drugs, that it was perfectly normal on the Synarel spray, to either get a full period, a partial period, or no bleeding at all. Of course, I was barracking for the no blood option. And after a few days on the damn spray, I thought we were free and clear!!

Until yesterday. Starting getting those wondersome aching lower abdomen pains, and of course, the bleeding not too far behind. This sucks!! I am going to have to put it down to the fact that I took my last pill a few days ago. What else could it be?? I'm sure my poor lil body is quite confused by now!! Maybe that helps, maybe we're bamboozling it, and in the meantime, we'll sneak a little embryo in there to hide out before it knows what's going on! :)

In other news...

One of my best girlfriends had her baby on Wednesday. Introducing little Charlie...


This is him at about 5 minutes of age. So adorable!!! He spent the first couple of days in the nursery having his blood sugars monitored, as my girlfriend is a diabetic and was on an insulin pump during her pregnancy. He's coming out of the nursery today, and we are going to go and meet him this afternoon after DH finishes work :)

I got a text message on my mobile yesterday from my friend, with a pic of Charlie, saying how unbelievable the feeling is to be a mummy. It was a very emotional text, and I found myself in tears. I have mixed feelings I have to say. It's hard to pinpoint. It's not quite sadness, or jealousy. I think it's more of a longing?? Maybe just a wishful feeling. It's hard to describe. I'm super super happy for her, I really am, and I can't wait to meet this little man. But there is something else as well. I'm sure you know what I mean.

The chicken pox debate

"The chicken pox debate" also known as "What happened on my birthday."

DH has two sisters, who will be referred to from here on in as good sister, and bad sister.

Good sister, the younger of the two, is happily married, with 2 kids. She is sensible, and thoughtful, and lovely.

Bad sister, the eldest out of the 3 kids in DH's family, has 5 kids to 3 different dads, 1 divorce, and immeasurable amounts of boyfriends (quite afew of whom have been in jail, and/or on drugs). Luckily, when she has the c-section with the last child (who was premature, born at 27 weeks) they tied her tubes, and she can't afford to get them untied, even though she has threatened to each time she gets a new boyfriend.

So.

I was texting good sister on my mobile, discussing what we might do for my birthday. I decided that coffee and cake in the afternoon would be a good idea, and less hassle than a meal. She pointed out that my father in law has golf on Saturday arvos, so we decided on Sunday afternoon instead (my actual bday). Then I received another text from good sister, letting me know that one of bad sister's kids has the chicken pox.

I tried to ascertain when she'd gotten the pox, and if the spots had scabbed and dried up yet, but I was getting mixed messages from my mother in law, and one of bad sister's kids, who lives with my MIL. In the end, I asked DH to contact bad sister, and let her know that we would catch up with them in a few days time, rather than have chicken pox kid come to our house.

Does this sound unreasonable?

Because let me tell you, that I think it was completely unreasonable to make me feel so bad about that decision, particularly on my birthday. I'm sorry, but when we're putting so much time, effort and money into making a baby, I don't really want to unneccesarily expose myself to chicken pox. But bad sister seemed to not understand my point of view.

After DH left bad sister a message telling her we'd catch up later, she rang him, all upset. As if I was telling her not to come because I didn't like her, or some petty reason. When in fact, it was a pretty important and valid reason I thought. She was crying that the spots were all dried up, and in fact, almost all gone.

I also felt like DH wasn't really sticking with me on this one. He was saying things like "Mel would prefer if you didn't come today," rather than making it about the two of us, which I certainly let him know I wasn't happy about either.

In the end, we came to an agreement that MIL would go to bad sister's house on the way to ours, to inspect the child. And if she was less than 100% happy that chicken pox kid was not contagious, then she wouldn't be coming.

So in the end, she came. It was true that most of the spots had gone. She was told not to come near me, so she hid behind bad sister for awhile, which made me feel even better. Not.

In summary, I felt incredibly bad about the whole situation. I didn't think it was too much to ask for family members to be respectful of our wishes at an already stressful time, but apparently I was asking too much, and was overruled anyway.

Happy birthday to me.

And we're off and snorting!!

I have started the Synarel nasal spray, suppressing my oestrogen. I should have blogged about it after the first day, because my feelings towards it have mellowed now.

The first dose, I HATED it!!! I've never taken a nasal spray before, I guess I've never really thought that spraying liquid up my nose was something I wanted to get into. So, my technique has needed a little refining and practice. The very first time I did it, I didn't spray it quickly enough, and I thought to myself, well that couldn't have worked properly. So I sprayed again.

Big mistake!!

I'm pretty sure that I gave myself a double dose. And I certainly do NOT recommend doing that!!

This is the only thing I can think of to compare it to... have you ever been swimming, and accidentally inhaled some chlorine up your nose? It's like that. Tastes SO bad. Feels SO bad. You can taste it everywhere, overwhelmingly so.

With that first dose, (or 2 doses, more likely) the flavour hit me straight away. It was so strong, I was gagging on it, thought I was going to vomit. And the kinda burning sensation that's everywhere as well. I really didn't think I was going to cope with doing this twice a day. Thought I would end up ringing my Nurse Coordinator to demand the injections instead.

However.

I will admit that it has improved. I think my technique has definitely improved, I'm sure it's more vapourised than it was for the first couple of days. And surely if the droplets are smaller, that's a bonus right there. And maybe I'm getting used to it as well?

Side effect wise, I've had a fairly constant headache since starting it on Thursday last week. I'm allowed to take panadol or panadeine, although they don't seem to make much of a difference. I've been tired, but then I was pretty tired prior to commencing the spray, and in need of a holiday. And mood swings... I think I've been pretty good actually. Haven't noticed myself being particularly bitchy (I even double checked with DH and he said I've been alright). I've been weepy at times, and I'm blaming the spray for that. Cos really, that's still a swing in my mood. Who said it had to be confined to bitchiness??



In other news, it was my birthday on Sunday. I had a day of ups and downs really. Coulda been a whole lot better, but never mind. I will explain more in my next post, cos this one is long enough already!! I have to go and read some more of my book before book club... got about 550 pages to go before Friday....

Showbag with no chocolate

Had our appointment with the Nurse Coordinator, C this afternoon after work.

I had mixed feelings about it. Last night before bed, I went and sat outside for awhile. It was hot yesterday, about 36 degrees Celsius, but by last night there was a nice cool breeze. I had that nervous-excited feeling.

Technically, I started down-regulating on 20th December, when AF came and brought the BCP with her. But I've been on the BCP before. So I guess it wasn't really something new, and although it was a start for sure, I think the real hormones are a lot more real.

So I excitedly/nervously went for my appointment today, armed with my large cheque, my general consent form, and my diary. Hoping that I hadn't forgotten anything!!

It wasn't compulsory for DH to come to the appointment, cos he'd been to the First Cycle Seminar, and he is not giving the injections. But he left work early and met me there (awww). And I made sure that C pointed out to him that he will have to give me foot massages and cook my dinner :)

After C explained everything (most of it was just reinforcing information we'd already been told before), she gave me my bag full of goodies. She commented that there was no chocolate in there, and DH told her that there should be something nice in there! I told her to make a note that there should definitely be a strawberry freddo included. I'm not greedy!

When I got home, I had to clear one of the shelves inside the fridge door... outta my way coffee, basil, cheese... and now my boxes of injection pens and ampuoles are proudly displayed on the top shelf.

So I start the twice daily Synarel nasal spray tomorrow. According to my literature, it "decreases the amount of oestrogen produced by the ovaries providing a more controlled situation for ovarian stimulation and production of eggs." Oh, and the best part is, symptoms include tiredness, headaches, hot flushes and mood swings. Woo!!

I again expressed my concern over the nasal spray potentially giving me nose bleeds. (I have kinda frequent nose bleeds at the best of times, especially coming into Summer as we are, even tho I've had my nose quarterised twice). C said she's only had one girl that had bleeding problems, but if it's a problem for me, to let her know. She said that the drug can be given via injection, but most people tolerate the spray fine. I didn't tell her I'd kinda prefer an injection... hmmm we'll see how we go.

So, I officially jump over the cliff in the morning... hope I don't sneeze within five minutes of snorting, I have to start over!! lol Blood test is booked in for 20th Jan to make sure I'm sufficiently suppressed, and then start on the Gonal-F injections on the 22nd, if everything goes as planned.

Fingers crossed.