And so it continues

CD 11 and still bleeding.

What?!?!

This is the complete opposite of what I expected from the BCP. And I am NOT loving this "down-regulation." I read on the BCP info leaflet that it can take your body 3 months to get used to it, and start having proper cycles. I do not remember that kind of carry-on when I first started taking the pill all those years ago... but then again, it was a long time ago, and a different pill...

DH is desperate for the bleeding to stop, I think the festive season has made him horny and he's dying to get some... isn't that sweet, after all these years of scheduled sex, and he still wants me!! lol

Oh well, I'm sure this is the easiest part of it all, and it surely can't last forever, right?

******************************************************************************

I had tried to put my next appointment out of mind, cos it seemed so far away. But it's starting to creep up on me, and now it's only 8 days away! Yay!!! I never thought I would be so excited to see my Patient Co-ordinator, hand over a stack of cash, and get a bag of nasal spray and injections... but I really am :)


Oh, and I've pretty much decided that I will apply for the new position at work. It's a permanent Clinical Nurse Educator position, which is something I'd really like to do. And cos it's permanent, it will be there waiting for me when I return from maternity leave (hopefully next year). I don't know when another position will become available, so I think I should try for this one. If I don't get it, no big dramas.

********************************************************************************

Hope everyone in the IF blogosphere has a very happy new and fertile new year!!!!!!!
Love and hope to you all
xxxx

And finally - Picture Tag

Wow, I really have been sitting in front of the computer for far too long today!! Making up for not being on here for the last couple of days!!!

OK so Just Another Infertile tagged me for a picture tag game. I guess I had better do my allocated 'homework' and follow the rules!! hehehe BTW she has just found out that she is PREGNANT so please head over and show her some love!!

Here are the rules of the game...

1) Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer
2) Select the 4th picture in the folder
3) Explain the picture
4) Tag 4 people to do the same. NO CHEATING! (cropping, editing, etc!)

So here is my pic...
This is a photo of my cousin's daughter, Paige. Turns out that the 4th folder in my photo folder is the one where I keep all of the photos that my cousin emails me! She is their first child, and she's a little over 12 months old now. After having her, my cousin Louise has gone back to school to study nursing. Her husband Shaun (whose arm is in the shot) is a builder, they renovated their house last year.

Sorry it's not a very exciting photo!! Once again, I'm sure I will get a slap on the wrist, for not tagging anyone else, but oh well.... sorry!!

Tagged! - Random things

OK so I was tagged a couple times last week, and I haven't had a chance to complete the tasks!! Here is the first one...

I was tagged by Lea to post 7 random facts about myself.

Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

Random facts...

1. All my friends call me G. My name is actually Mel. Afew years back when the movie "Ali G" was all the rage, one of the girls I worked with started calling me 'Melly G.' It stuck for awhile. But Australians hate to call each other by full names, we abbreviate everything, and 'Melly G' became 'G', which is what all my friends call me now. (Are you shocked, my name doesn't actually start with a G?)

2. I have 2 cats (DimSim and Tigger) and 2 dogs (Woody and Jessie).

3. I did ballet for 13 years when I was growing up.

4. My older sister is a witch. I'm a Catholic.

5. I no longer have an appendix. It ruptured in 2003, during the first week of my post graduate diploma.

6. I had never been in a plane until I was 18. The first plane ride I went on was when I went skydiving, so it was a little while longer before I actually landed in a plane.

7. I have been in love with Leonardo DiCaprio since I was in highschool... a little embarrassing! lol


I don't know a ton of people who blog, and those who do have already done this tag... is it cheating not to tag anyone??

I don't get it

Here's the thing. I've been on the BCP for 9 days now. And I assumed that, as I was starting to take it on day 1 of AF, it would be a short and light period.

But no.

I am usually a 3-4 day girl, and then maybe a bit of spotting for a couple days as a last hurrah. This month, with the BCP, I had a really heavy one for 5 days. And then a few days of spotting. And now, day 9, I'm kinda achy again, and the bleeding has increased. Is this normal?? Seriously, I want to know. And my clinic is closed until Jan 5.

It's starting to freak me out a little bit. I feel less suppressed than normal. Aren't I supposed to be all down regulated??? WTF is going on....




On a cheerier note, we had a fab christmas. The in-laws kids were actually bearable for a change at lunch, and my family all came over to ours for dinner and helped cook. My youngest cat Tigger, did bring in a mouse and dump it by the dining table just as we were dishing up, but apart from that everything went pretty smoothly!!

Hope everyone out there in the blogosphere had a good Chrissie, and cheers to a happy and fertile 2009!!

(Ooh BTW I promise I will post my tags very soon, haven't had a chance yet!)

Lovin my horoscope

Ooh what with my horoscope from the weekend, and my Tarot predictions, I can kinda see a theme developing here!!! lol I just hope that my body is tune with all this kharma!!!

OK me and all my good buddies had our annual Christmas party at A's house (she is now 14 weeks and still puking) It's a pretty big night for most of us, and we were sitting around outside the next morning eating breakfast on the patio (eggs, bacon and sausages on the bbq, with toast and hash browns). J starting reading out everyone's horoscopes, and I have gotta say that mine was easily the best!!! (This was my horoscope the day after starting BCP)


Capricorn:
You have lots of reasons to celebrate, now and well into the new year. Many plans are coming to fruition and tough times are behind you. You're entering a yearly personal pleasure peak; it could even be one of the best times of your life. You deserve it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


How good is it??

I'm trying so hard to find a good balance of excitement and positivity, and realistic-ness towards this cycle (I am aware that is not a word but hey). I think I'll stay positive and happy during the festive season, and then knuckle down with the reality once I start my drugs next year... ok at least I'll try!

And here she is!

AF is here, and welcome!!!

My sister said she's never seem someone so happy to get their period :)

My nurse co-ordinator told me that we would probably do a standard 17-day BCP down regulation cycle. But as the clinic closed yesterday, and my appointment with my nurse is on Jan 7 (2 days after clinic reopens), she said that if I end up being on the BCP for a few extra days, it won't make any difference at all. And since I got AF today, that makes for an 18-day BCP course.

Almost perfect timing, I'm so happy!!!

Plus, I had thought that she might hold off and then come along on Christmas Eve, which woulda sucked a bit, but now she'll have been and gone by then, so even better I say!!!

Just feels so good to finally be getting started. This last 4 years has been a really long time.



I remembered about a week ago, that back when I fell pregnant the first time, I had my Tarot cards read. At the time I thought it was strange that the girl didn't pick up on the fact that I was pregnant, although when I later found out that the pregnancy had miscarried at about 5 weeks and I was merely the proud carrier of an empty gestational sac, that made far more sense.

Anyway, that pregnancy was due in September. And the Tarot reader told me that my first born would be a girl, and that she would be a Libran. Libra covers a bit of September, and about 3 weeks of October. So of course, I had assumed that she was talking about my current pregnancy, and thought nothing more of it.

But then it popped into my mind again recently, I don't know why. I calculated that if this cycle works, our baby would be due in October... Coincidence? I hope not....

Waiting.

I hate waiting.

I've run out of appointments.

Just waiting for Flo.



I picked up my script of BCP the other day. How fun. The pharmacy girl asked me if I'd taken it before, and altho I've taken a BCP before (afew years ago now), I hadn't taken that particular one, so I answered "No." So she screamed out to the pharmacist to come and talk to me. I've realised now, the correct answer to the question, would have been "Yes."

I explained to the pharmacist that I'd taken the pill before, just not this particular one. Then he asked me if I was taking it as a contraceptive, or for something else. I must say I was suprised by the question, I thought all 'regular' people took the BCP to prevent pregnancies. I stated that it was for IVF. He decided that my doctor would have already told me more about this BCP than what he could, and as I didn't have any questions, he happily disappeared again.

I couldn't help but feel then that the pharmacy girl was judging me. She probably wasn't, but having my IF 'out there' hardly makes me feel warm and comfortable.

So now I have my BCP tucked away in the cupboard waiting.

CD27.

I feel kinda irritable and a little bitchy today. Which could be the lack of sleep last night, and the bit of christmas shopping that I threw in after work. Or maybe.....


I asked DH if I could be bitchy to him for a while, just to get him used to it for next month :) Sadly, he declined my kind offer. He is convinced that I will be one of those people who is unaffected by hormones... Hmmm...


Ooh in unrelated news, I have decided that I love love love giving presents to people. But I totally hate shopping. People are so rude, I get irritated as soon as I get to the shopping centre, and that does not make for an enjoyable shopping trip!!

Ready for action

OK I think we are officially ready to start treatment!!!

I asked D if he was ready, and he said "Bring It ON!" so I guess we are ready! lol

Tonight was our final appointment before it's time for AF and BCP. My BBT tells me that I ovulated a few days ago, back into the swing of my Day 14 ovulation, so hopefully that means I'm back to a 28 or 30 day cycle, and AF will arrive pre-Christmas.... fingers crossed, cos really, every day counts for me!!! Let's get this show on the road!!!!

We went in to the clinic tonight for a "First Cycle Seminar", with all the other newbies that are about to embark on their IVF Journeys. I had thought it would be a somewhat smaller group, as they run these sessions every week, and that maybe we could find some 'cycle buddies' to befriend. But alas, there were about 15 couples there, and nobody was chatty, or even sat next to any other couples really!! There were spare seats between each couple!

We covered a lot of ground that I already knew (actually crossed my mind that maybe I'm too much of an expert on contraceptive pill down regulation cycles, and I haven't even started yet. I have, however, studied the website, been to another seminar, studied the handbooks, and chatted to a friend of mine who has been through a stimulated cycle.) It was all presented by the head of the Nursing Staff at the clinic, and she was fabulous. Very informative, friendly and approachable. She went through how the cycle works, when you have to take the meds etc, all of which I've been through before.

We got a little bag of goodies to play with and look at. D was repulsed by the progesterone pessary, which I found quite amusing :) We all got out of Gonal-F demo pens, and a piece of fake stomach, and the Nurse said that she was assuming the guys were all gonna do the injections, and pretty much all the guys nodded. No way jose!! D is not doing mine. It's such a teeny little needle, so easy to use! Makes me feel like a diabetic actually, it's so similar to an insulin needle. I'm suprised more chicks weren't gonna do their own injections. I asked D if he wanted to play with the pen and the fake stomach fat, but he's not interested. I told him that I'd prefer to do it myself, and if the trigger is an intramuscular injection, I know plenty of nurses who have offered to take care of that one for me too. So, no deal on the D doing injections. No Sir.

At the end of the session, everyone cleared out pretty quickly. We hung back so that I could ask a quick question about what payment methods are acceptable for my appointment in Jan when I pick up my goodies and hand over a large sum of money.

Apparently Australia is probably the best place in the world to get IVF, as far as money is concerned. Most of the meds are actually covered by the government (except for the Synarel) and we have a fab government health care scheme, which will refund a couple thousand dollars back to us after we've made the upfront payment. The nurse said that couples come over to Australia from Asia and other countries some time, just to have their IVF, and then go back home to see out their pregnancy and have their babies.

You may want to look away if you're American, cos I'm gonna tell you how much we're paying for our treatment.... It's about $4600 upfront. That includes most meds. My health insurance covers us for 100% of my day surgery for ER. And then the government gives us back about $2000 or so. Lucky, huh?!? Of course we have to pay for our clinic visits, ultrasounds, blood tests etc separately, but I still think we get a great deal over here!!!


So that's it for appointments!!

Ready to roll....

Quiet week

In my wonderful scheduling of one appointment a week, in my efforts to keep the year rolling along, I managed to schedule none this week... so it's kinda quiet on the IF front. Actually I had thought that after my RE appt last week, there mighta been some more to schedule, but no! We've apparently completed all of our workup, so nothing new. Hmmm. And then only one appointment next week, and I'm done until Jan 7!

Had the worst shift ever on Monday. Seriously. About half way through it I already awarded it that title, but it didn't get any better!! (I work as an Associate Nurse Unit Manager of a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit - that means I'm the boss of the shift, looking after babies on life support) I'm not gonna go into it cos I really don't want to relive it again, but some highlights included admitting 4 babies onto life support, personally assisting with 2 intubations, one pulmonary hemorrhage successfully resuscitated, cardiac massage on another little treasure, and personally attending the delivery of a 29 week baby, because I had no staff left that were free to attend it!!! Aaaargghhhh!! That is by far the closest that I have come to having a meltdown at work.

In conclusion, there is no way that I want to have to deal with a shift like that around ER etc, (not just because of the sick babies, but the stress was phenomenal!) so as soon as I get to work today, I'm planning to put in an annual leave application for one of the first weeks in Feb, and hope that my timing is about right!!!!

A brief thought...

Last night at netball (I play mixed netball twice a week) we got a new fixture for our Sunday night team. Our last game for the year is December 14, and next year's first game is Feb 1. My friend K excitedly pointed out to me that December 14 might be my last game for a long time.... exciting, no?

Downs and Ups

We had our appointment with Dr W on Thursday. I really didn't have much of an idea what we would be discussing, or what this appointment involved. All Dr W had said at the last appointment was that 'they make you come back and see me again before we start the treatment.'

Ok....

So I shouldn't have gone into that appointment with any expectations then I suppose. But hey, I can't help myself!! I assumed that we would be making some sort of treatment plan.

When we first went into his office, he already put me off a bit. He clearly hadn't looked at our file before we'd walked in for the appointment. The first thing he asked was if we'd gone away and had all of our testing done since the last appointment... I panicked a little bit. He hadn't ordered any tests that I knew of, except for the bloods!!! Then upon actually looking at our file, he remembered that Dr J had already taken care of all of our workup.

He then proceeded to fill out our "Activation" form, taking down all our test results, prescribing me a starting dose of something, and making a note that I need to commence aspirin after transfer (we had already discussed that previously). Then he gave me a script for the pill, and before I could start asking questions, he was on his feet and starting to head for the door.

I was exhausted anyway, from attending the appointment immediately after my 8th day in a row of working. In the 3 second pause, I convinced myself that the questions I had were either silly, or could be answered by my patient co-ordinator (nurse), and we left.

I felt so lousy, really flat. I lost my mojo :(

DH and I had arrived in separate cars, straight from both our workplaces, and left again separately. My mobile phone battery had just died on the way to the appointment. So I felt so alone sitting in my car, by myself, dead phone, feeling like shit. And of course a song came on that always reminds me that I still don't have a baby.
Good times. Goooood times.

Then of course I started to doubt myself. I was thinking, if I feel like this after a simple little appointment, how on earth will I cope with everything else??? How can I possibly get through this treatment? I'm obviously not as strong as I thought, and I was just kidding myself.


So the next day, I rang my patient co-ordinator, C. And she was fabulous. So lovely, so helpful. It was like the ray of sunshine that I needed after my mojo had up and left me the night before. I didn't have to beg to be able to start down-regulating in December, didn't even have to ask. That was just the plan that C made for me.

So now it's official.

I get to start taking the pill in December, in order to make a baby at the end of January :) Hooray for getting my mojo back quick!

Although the clinic is closed from Dec 19 - Jan 5, C will be in the clinic on Dec 27. I have to call her that day and let her know which date AF arrived on, and she will work out all my dates for me. And I have an appointment to call in and see her on Jan 7 to pick up my drugs, woo!!

Happy Birthday to me, I get a big bag of drugs as a present!! I must have been good this year :)

Random Ramblings

Warning, this really is a few different thoughts from my head spewed onto the page...


I ran into my obstetrician, Dr J this morning at work, on my way to the kiosk for a coffee. I have to say, I still really really love that man. (Don't tell DH). He is one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever met in my life!! He stopped and asked me how things were going, and what was happening with cycling etc, he had really hoped we would be able to squeeze in a cycle pre-Christmas. I gave him the update, and he was so excited that we would be getting things underway soon :)

My BF, A, had her 12 week appointment with him (yes, she has tried to steal my obstetrician hehehe) He said that quite a few of the girls from NICU come and see him, and she told him that we are BF's. He told her that he really hopes we are pregnant soon, and come back to his care. Did I mention how much I really love that man??

AF arrived a couple of days ago. I have been plotting my BBT and I seriously think that it's like magic, the way your temperature plummets when AF arrives!! Seriously, that is pretty cool. Anyway. I realised that this is probably (hopefully) my second-last period for a long time.

And this is our last month before cycling.

I am excited.

I am relieved.

I am nervous.

I have mixed emotions about our last month of doing it the old fashioned way.

Our counsellor said something which really stuck with me. When you get pregnant the old-fashioned way, you're combining any egg, with any sperm. Whereas when you do IVF, they are putting the best of your ingredients together, watching them grow, and then choosing the best one to put back.

So here's my current confusion.... do I want to chance this month on any egg and any sperm? Or just wait the month out, and go for the best. I really don't know what to do. I think I'm really nervous that if we get pregnant naturally this month, things will go wrong again, and our good shot at it will be delayed even further.

I would be annoyed with myself if I delayed the process. Would I be annoyed with myself if I didn't give it one last shot?

I'm not so sure.

Cos I think I am ready for this. I think I am ready for the IVF.



I know I am ready to be pregnant.

Our Wedding Anniversary

Just thought I would liven up my blog with a few pics of from our night away for our Wedding Anniversary on Tuesday...

I decided that we should get away for the night, somewhere fabulous and relaxing, before we head into IVF first thing in the new year. And DH agreed, woo!

So we spent the night in a 'Rainforest Retreat,' our own little 2 storey cottage surrounded by ferns and forest. Bedroom upstairs, with gas log fire. Lounge downstairs with 2 person spa, and 42 inch plasma tv (DH was very excited about that!). I organised in-suite massages for us when we arrived, and we got robes to wear, and take-home slippers, how pampering!! Plus a pack of bath treats, to use while we were there, and take home the left overs.






Left there feeling so relaxed!! Now it's only Sunday, and I already need another massage cos work has been so busy as usual lol I think I should use the upcoming IVF as an excuse to get a fortnightly massage.... hmmm....

SPRUNG!!

(Oh, thank god my internet is working again, I was totally having withdrawals!!!)

I tried to book all our appointments that have anything to do with IF and getting knocked up, about a week apart, to make me feel like things are still rolling along until the end of the year, even though I know we have to wait until Jan to really get things moving.

So Wednesday night was a seminar held by my IVF clinic. Most of the appointments that we have with them, are held in the rooms at the clinic. However this was more of a general introductory seminar, and open to the general public, not just us 'card-holders', so it was held in one of the lecture theatres at the hospital where I work. And there was the problem.

I'm pretty selective about who I allow in to our 'secret life of IF'. Our close friends know. My family knows. That's it. So when one of my colleagues and her husband joined the group of us waiting outside the lecture theatre, I felt seriously sprung. And totally powerless about it!

On the upside, we were sprung by J, the music therapist who works on our ward, who is such a lovely, fabulous woman that I get along with really well (isn't that typical, wouldn't be a total bitch, undeserving of children that has IF issues, no no no!) After the seminar (which was ok, but a lot of stuff that I've heard before, now that we've already attended our counselling etc) she wished us good luck, said she hoped to see me 'raging around the unit on hormones soon.' I wished her good luck as well, said I'd be totally understanding if she was ever really agro at work, and then we left.

And I kinda get the feeling that we shall never speak of this again. Kinda felt like we were both attending a secret meeting, with exclusive membership of course, but the kinda meeting that absolutely never gets mentioned again.

Really hope I don't feel awkward next time I see her at work.
Really hope she doesn't feel awkward next time she sees me!

Although we're far, far, far from veterans at this stage (we haven't actually got started yet!) I still felt like we were so much further along than everyone else there. Based on the questions they were asking, I think that introductory lecture was the first step they've taken in their journey. Whereas we've already had investigations, appointments, we've registered, we've had our counselling...


Next appointment is next Thursday, we go back to see Dr W. I think we get to make a treatment plan, which will involve me informing him that I want to start the pill in December, so that I'm ready to start sniffing synarel in January. Found out the clinic reopens on Jan 5, so that should be fine. I have decided! lol

One more thing checked off the list

This morning DH and I attended our compulsory counselling session at the IVF clinic. We really weren't sure what to expect from it. They made it clear that it was not intended as an interview, or selection process, or anything like that, but wasn't really clear what it was intended for.

Our counsellor turned out to be really nice. She asked us about our history, and what had brought us to this point in our lives. She asked a few questions about our feelings, and how we cope with stress and anxiety, but nothing too touchy-feely so that was good. She stressed to me that the hormones can set off bouts of depression, particularly in people who have a past history of mental illness, and said it's important for them to know about any history like that before getting started. She was so insistent, I almost wished I did have a past history of mental illness, seemed kinda like that would made her happy!

Apart from that, she explained the whole IVF process, with groovy pictures (woo!) so that we understood how everything was done and why. (I really, really did not like the picture of them retrieving the eggs by injecting through the vaginal wall - ouchie!!) DH got to play with the injection device, and check out the nasal spray. We got another handbook to read, and a consent form (13 pages) to read through and bring to our next appointment with Dr W.

So one more appointment checked off the list! I am still happy that I spaced them all out, especially since the counsellor said there is no way we will be able to fit in a cycle pre-Christmas. Damn that clinic, they close on December 19th!! Christmas has never been so inconvenient...

Reading through the material, I have convinced myself and DH that I could at least go onto the pill in December when the red menace arrives for her Christmas special, since I don't have to start synarel until Day 17, which will be January by then anyway... hmmm just have to convince Dr W of this fact when I see him at the end of this month :)


In other news, my Fertility Friend reckons I probably ovulated on CD17, despite the dud OPK... if that's true, then we still timed things well this month, despite straying from our usual sex-every-other-day routine. So I'm not beating myself up so much about it now.

Yay me :)

Ehhhhh

I'm starting to wonder why I thought it would be a good idea to chart temperatures, and use better OPKs, and generally just stress myself out more than usual.

I hate the OPKs. They never smile at me. Why?? I just want one freakin smiley face for Pete's sake. I'm now CD19 and no smiley face. So that has thrown off our usual 'love-making' plan. And now I'm pretty sure that we have somehow managed to miss the 'fertile window' and once again I am not pregnant. And I'm gonna have to blame the OPKs. Period. Cos if they weren't a blank face every day, I would not have waited to have sex. I'm annoyed with myself.

So today I got onto a website where you can enter your BBTs, and it draws a lovely little chart for you and predicts your date of ovulation based on your temperature. And according to that chart, I probably ovulated on CD16. And yet the smiley face was blank. I'm going to go insane. Even more so than usual I mean.

And when I start my injectables, do I have to wait for my period to come?? Cos I'm due at the end of the month, which would mean I'll have to wait until the end of January. Which adds on almost an extra month to the wait. Dammit I wanna start already. Shift this responsibility to someone else for a change!!!

I'm so over this, I can't believe I used to think that getting easy would be so easy.

Declaring War

Seriously, I'm gonna declare war on my uncooperative ovaries very very soon. What the?? Day 16 and still no smiley face. As if I needed more to worry about Grrr Are they trying to sabotage my last 2 months of hopeful trying??? I think there may be some protest sex today...

Unrelated to that, my friend A (who is now 8 weeks) and I went to visit a friend M on Saturday night. We met when A and I looked after M's premature baby in our NICU almost 8 years ago (God that makes me feel old). Anyway, M is totally gorgeous, inside and out. She had a miscarriage before her premmie, and she is very understanding about what D and I have been going through, and very excited about us recently progressing to IVF referral. A took the opportunity during the visit to tell M her news, and of course M was very excited, even cried a little. Then I got this lovely lovely text message on my phone on Sunday...

"Great to see you and A last night. Fab news for her & Matt :) V exciting! Hard on u I know. Here if you need a cuppa or to vent. Even though u really happy 4 them, its hard not 2 wish it was u 2. Call if u need. In the mean time focus on all ur appointments & the new year will b here b4 u know it. Stay strong xx"

Such a nice change from ass-vice, it made me cry a little bit.

I was wrong

Okay I was totally wrong.

Still no smiley face today.

Still not feeling better about it!!

Fingers crossed for tomorrow....

Here Mr Smiley Face...

Day 14 and still blank faces.... what?!? I'm usually an ovulate-on-day-14 kinda gal, so where the heck is my smiley??

I can't help but feel a little disheartened already, like what was I thinking, that suddenly we would be able to perform this miracle on our own. My temperature has been low for two days, but no smiley face...

DO NOT MESS WITH ME, BLANK FACE!!!


I'm not really that distraught yet, but work was pretty chaotic today and stressful (I am the boss for the shift). There are no neonatal intensive care beds in the whole country. The whole country!! So we just have to keep squashing more babies in to our nursery, and magically finding more ventilators to attach them to, and summon up more intensive care trained staff to look after them... and tomorrow is a public holiday, aarggh!!!

That's all really for today. I'm sure next time I will be all happy again, there will be a smiley face tomorrow for sure :)

Project Hump-N-Hope

It's officially in full swing.

4 weeks until our next RE appoinment.

Approx 2 months until we start IVF treatment.

It's on baby!!!


I've gone all out for our final 2 months of "old-fashioned" trying. Smiley face OPK (those two line ones were seriously doing my head in), charting my temperature (even on my days off work when I should be sleeping in!). D is also totally focused, and remains excited about having sex on allocated days, bless his heart! We're both still taking our fertility boosting multivitamins. We're going away in a couple of weeks to a B&B in the nearby rainforest area for our wedding anniversary, spoiling ourselves with in-suite massage and aromatherapy spa...

No LH surge today, but when it does... look out!!! We are going full force for our last 2 months, can't say we're not trying hard enough!!!!!

I've officially joined the club!!!

Welcome to me!! lol

Guess what was in the mail today when I got home? Membership cards for our IVF centre!! lol Okay okay, technically they are not membership cards, they're called 'ID cards' or something boring, but they're laminated cards with our info on one side, and the IVF clinic's details on the other... and I have my very own number, so I reckon I'm a member now!!

To be honest, it was slightly scary to find this tangible evidence of our membership to the IF club. I guess it's rock solid now, no denying it (tell that to my mother). And I guess I was feeling a little lost, seeing as I wrapped up my preliminary stuff only 1 day after our RE appointment, and it felt like just a long wait for something else to happen... then, suprise!! A very discrete white envelope with no distinguishing logos or anything on it turns up in the mail and now...

We're officially in the club!


Make room, gang :)

Mother dear

Ever since we uttered the words 'IVF' my mum has been really weird about it. If I mention IVF, she's all dismissive, telling me "You won't need that." And in the last week, whenever I've filled her in on doctor's appointments etc, she's made comments like "As long as that makes you happy." She's been driving me insane!!!!

After I had the laparoscopy in August, she told me that she thinks there's a mental barrier that's been stopping us from falling pregnant (OK seriously, I don't think my uterus is that in tune with what my brain is thinking) and she said that she can totally understand that I would be scared to get pregnant again, after all our losses, but she thought that now I would be able to move on and get pregnant.

So I went to her house for a coffee this morning, to chat about IVF and what is happening, and try to suss out what the issue is with her. I think it was really worthwhile actually. Turns out that she just doesn't understand why we're going for IVF when we know that I can get pregnant. I told her that previously that was true, IVF never used to be an option for us. But I pointed out to her that it has been a good 18 months since I have made a baby the old fashioned way, (Not for lack of trying) and that this is a new problem, that IVF can help us with.

She seemed to go along with that alright, and understood the rationale behind seeking treatment. Then she asked me if the counselling session would deal with psychological issues that are preventing me from falling pregnant.

So basically, my mum still thinks I have a psychological problem. I can't help feeling abit offended by that, when I really truly think that I have coped with the last four years pretty fucking well, considering all the shit that we've been through.

Thanks mum :)

Spots

Things are so unfair.

Seriously.

My BF J (not the pregnant one) just rang me, to let me know that my friend K has just found out she's lost her baby (10 weeks). Started spotting last night, had an US today, and there's only a gestational sac. Hits close to home, that's what happened with our first (minus the spotting, we just found out on our 12 week scan). And her hubby is on a buck's day celebration with his mates, he doesn't even know yet, cos he hasn't had a chance to call her back.

I texted her to see if she needed company, cos she got that horrible news all alone. Thank goodness her parents are there now. After that, I didn't know what to say. I have been through it, and I couldn't think what the fuck to say. I know a whole lot of things not to say. So I just sent her big hugs, cos there's nothing else really to say is there? I know for a fact that she's not ok, she won't be ok for some time, it's not alright, it doesn't make it any easier to know that "you can get pregnant."

I feel so shit right now. I know from experience that I wouldn't wish that kinda crap on anyone, especially not a couple I care about so much.


Meanwhile, by BF, A has been spotting for a few days now, she's about 7 weeks. She went for an US Friday, and reported "A happy little blob is snuggled in there with a strong heart beat. Yay!" I hope it stays that way.

The verdict is in...

OK we finally had our appointment on Thursday!! Yay!

I was feeling kinda nervous and excited at the same time (Yes, I said excited. About visiting an infertility doctor. Remind me when my life took that turn??) Our appointment was for 1850, and we arrived at the waiting room right around 1845. Don't ask me why I was thinking that there wouldn't be much of a wait...

M the receptionist was lovely, very sweet, but has a slightly annoying sing-song kinda voice. I found it cute the way that she would try to be subtle when handing out IVF information to couples, when in fact she has one of the loudest voices in the world. I suppose she has to try, confidentiality and all that, but really I don't think any of those couples are fooling anyone, rocking up to an infertility doctor who specialises in IVF!!

Anyway, we got cosy in the corner (the room was pretty full) and initially I was feeling really self conscious, trying not to 'check out' all the other infertiles, wondering if we fit in there!! I read a magazine, almost cover to cover (I never usually have time to catch up on all the Hollywood goss) and then checked the time... we'd been there for an hour already!

Another hour later (Yes, that's a total of 2 hours in the waiting room), with only us and one other couple waiting, we got in to see Dr W.

I'm not confessing my love for Dr W just yet, cos I think that would be totally betraying Dr J, whom I love with all my heart lol But Dr W was pretty damn nice I have to say. Dr J had written him a page and a half letter about me (awww) and totally blew my cover in the first paragraph, telling Dr W that I am an NICU nurse. I thought I would get away with that one for a little bit at least. I hate when medical professionals assume knowledge, and then don't fill D in on everything cos they think I already know. Not that Dr W did that at all, he was really good. He just asked me if I've ever seen him over at the hospital. He does look familiar, I'm sure I've seen him around. Plus, his name is on one of the doors I walk past in the obstetrics department on my way home :)

Basically, Dr W just reiterated a whole lot of stuff that Dr J had already told us. Which was great, I love love love consistency of information!! And based on our history, Dr W thinks that the only way to go is straight for IVF, with a stimulated cycle. The verdict is in!! Also, because of my positive ANA results, I have to start on aspirin as soon as I get a BFP, and if we happen to miscarry again (please God no) then he would put me onto heparin as well.

The only slightly disappointing part here is that bloody Christmas is coming up, and Dr W doesn't want us to have to rush through everything to squeeze a cycle in pre-Christmas. He says we should enjoy our egg nog at Christmas without worrying, and then go hell for leather next year. I guess we're ok with continuing Project Hump N Hope for another 2 months... I guess...

I'm considering getting a couple of months of acupuncture while I'm waiting, get my Qi all aligned or whatever in the mean time.

So I filled out all our registration forms as soon as we got home from Dr W's office, and after work yesterday (only 2 doors down from the IVF clinic), I went and dropped them in, and donated some more blood to science. So now, we are officially registered for IVF. Woo! I love giving away non-refundable administration fees hehehe

In the state we live in, it is legislated that all couples undergoing IVF receive counselling, so I booked that session in while I was there. Now just have to book in a seminar for first cyclers, and I think our preliminary stuff is all booked!!



Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a big box of expensive injectable hormones. I promise I've been really good this year.

Ho hum

God I'm feeling emotionally average today.

AF came last night, and with her came the crushing of my stupid fantasies, and the reality is that I'm still the same non-pregnant chick. Ehhhh.

I gave A a little present at work (actually I had to hide it in her bag while noone else was in the office, cos she hasn't told her colleagues yet, too early) It's just a token acknowledgment of her pregnancy really, a teeny gift bag with a cute cute pair of mary jane socks, a travel size pack of elmo baby wipes (so cute, they have little elmos printed on them!), a travel size dettol hand rub, and a travel size tube of anti-stretch mark cream.

She looked in it after she got home, and sent me a thank-you text. I told her the socks were for her, not the baby (D had joked that it would take a long time for bubs to grow into the socks) and she sent one back saying but if u saw how fat my tummy is already getting it mite fit the bub soon.

Why does that make me teary?? I think maybe the reality, and the jealousy of her pregnancy is finally starting to sink in. Oh well, I guess a week of feeling okay about it was pretty good on my behalf.


Hurry up tomorrow, I'm over it today.

Where oh where is that damn Flo??

I just can't stand it when she's late. I mean, if you're gonna come anyway, just come on time!!! Don't play these mind games with me, I really can't take it!!!

I'm usually pretty regular, a 30 day girl. And now it's been 35, and where the hell is she??? Oh believe me, I know what running late can mean, and I've already wasted 2 HPTs just checking. Of course BFNs, why was I kidding myself? I know why. Cos I just found out this week that 2 of my close friends are pregnant (making the grand total of half of my close group of friends that are knocked up) and then my psycho brain starts to think that if everyone else is pregnant...

Meanwhile, I'm just late. Some of my friends think I'm odd for being annoyed by this, cos it means you get AF less, but I'm of the belief that the more you get it, the more chances you get for trying to get pregnant.

Plus, my appointment with Dr W is on Thursday, and I thought AF would be out of the way, so they could do whatever tests they like!!!! According to the "Getting Started" booklet that I read (I like to be prepared prior to appointments) one of the tests that needs doing is an ultrasound to count my follicles... do you think Dr J might have stopped to count follicles while he had the telescope in there 10 weeks ago, to save me having yet another test?? I should have asked him, dammit.

2 more sleeps.

Are you kidding me??

OK, I could handle hearing that my BF, A is pregnant, cos I knew she'd been trying for 10 months. (Thankyou for preparing me hehehe)

But then 2 days later, another of my close friends, K, tells me that she is also pregnant.... No preparation!!! They weren't even trying, hadn't been planning to start trying. She couldn't get an appointment to see her GP for a pill script, so she didn't take her pill for a couple of months. I would liken this feeling to... getting kicked in the teeth.

Lucky for me, I held it together fantastically to her face, and by the time I had a sudden surge of tears in my eyes, she was facing the other way... also luckily, I had a glass of wine in my hand which I could quickly use to drown the passing feeling of nausea and anguish. Oh, and I checked with my other best friend, J, who was watching me at the time, and says K didn't notice a thing. Phew!!

See the thing is, I really am happy for both of my friends. Truly. Doesn't mean I'm not a little jealous and hurty at the same time! And I would positively hate to spoil their moment by erupting into a ball of tears. Boy, wouldn't that put a dampener on their news-sharing!! And I would feel terrible. TERRIBLE!

The good news is, I'm alright again. I spent the whole day with K yesterday, and thank god she's not one of those girls who just wants to talk about being pregnant the whole time. She didn't even bring it up. I think maybe she's still in shock actually. She's 9 and a half weeks, hasn't even decided where she's having the baby!! lol That was really a shock to me, I have had my obstetrician and hospital locked in for 4 years now, and still not pregnant yet :)

Walking into work today, A was complaining a little bit about her boobs already, and how they're sore, and they're big, and she's gonna have to get new bras soon... and she's 6 and a half weeks. I'm sorry, but I think expanding breast size due to pregnancy is just a good excuse for new lingerie lol Don't cry on my shoulder!!


And now there are only 3 more sleeps until I see Dr W... hooray! :)

My best friend's pregnant

Yes that's right, my best friend!! And here's a funny thing... I haven't felt upset about it. Maybe cos we've had some progress this week, and I'm feeling positive about things happening for us too!

She's only 6 weeks, and is telling hardly anyone at this stage cos she's worried something might go wrong. She told me last night, and I was the first person outside of her family that she told, which is kinda cool. Altho she told me today that she was shitting herself, cos she thought she would upset me. And also told me today that I can tell her to shut up at any time, if she's talking baby too much. Hasn't stopped her in the last 10 months while they've been trying!!! lol

So, one of my other close friends is due in January (right near my birthday!), now A is due mid June. So I figure we've gotta get knocked up asap, so all our kiddies can be a couple of months apart, and we can all be on maternity leave together!!! Ah, dreams..... they keep me going sometimes.

Still stoked to have got our IVF doctor appointment so soon, but not getting my hopes up about a pre-christmas cycle. Also, trying not to convince myself that we'll have a one-cycle-wonder. Of course I'm staying positive about it all, just don't want to kid myself and end up disappointed.

Oh, this rollercoaster we ride.

I'm so excited!!

And I just can't hide it!! lol

OK I tried to patient and wait for Dr W's receptionist to call me today and make a time for our appointment, but I got tired of waiting! I called about 2pm, but got no answer. So I tried 2 more times after that, and still now answer... starting to think that Dr W must've been away on holidays or something.

Then... 10 minutes ago, I got a call, yay! And omg we have an appointment next Thursday!! Dr J had said we'd probably get in to see him in a few weeks, which to me means 3-4 weeks... I'm so excited about having the appointment in 8 days!!

Yay, now I feel like things are really getting moving! Our next phase is starting!!

Now I just have to try to swap my shift at work.... hmmm

Moving on

OK I know I was saying how un-nervous I was yesterday... and I did pretty well!! Got a slight attack of sweaty palms around the corner from J's office, but kept breathing pattern under control, and butterflies at bay... yay me! (I have this theory that becoming incredibly nervous when going to J's office is a learned behaviour, like those Pavlov's dogs. And I totally learnt it!! Still trying to get over my irrational fear of obstetrician's and ultrasound guy's waiting rooms)

Turns out my uterus and ovaries are in tip-top shape, woo! J made an extra copy of the photos, as I requested, so I stuck a copy of them into my folder of wonders lol Actually the pics were kinda cool, my right ovary was ovulating at the time. Good to know that it was right on schedule, doing it's job! The tubes flushed just fine, which was a relief after the ectopic was cut out of the left tube last year. So, overall a big tick for my equipment lol

J asked us if we are ready to move on with things, and referred us to a specialist at the IVF centre (conveniently located a couple of doors down from my work). J says that we should be able to get an appointment with him (Dr W) in a couple or a few weeks, which is exciting. Of course there is a whole process to go through, we're aware of that, but this is a start!! J thought we might even be able to squeeze in a cycle of something before Christmas, but I am trying not to pin my hopes on that. Anyway, that's a vast improvement over the rumoured 4 month waiting list I had heard there was at my IVF centre.

So anyway, J's receptionist got on the phone to Dr W's rooms as soon as we got out, but damn their efficiency in leaving the office on time!!! It was 5.01pm, and nobody home... which leaves me today waiting waiting waiting for my phone to ring.... It hasn't rung yet. What are they waiting for??


I know there is more waiting to do.

I know there is more process to get through.


Of course I know there are no guarantees!!


But this is progress, and I can see that little glimmer of light at the end of this God forsaken tunnel... fingers crossed

No nerves

So the day has finally, finally come that I get to go back and see my beloved obstetrician (I don't think we have RE's here, but I could be wrong). Considering I've been counting down the weeks, for the past 10 weeks, and then counting down the sleeps, I am strangely not nervous about the appointment. It's a nice feeling. Usually when I'm going to see Dr J, I am almost hyperventilating, palms sweating... let's see how I feel once I get to the waiting room, that is usually the test for me.

His receptionist called this morning to see if we could push our appointment back until 4.30pm, from 3pm, so that they could squeeze in an 'urgent' appointment for someone else. I briefly panicked that she was going to change my appointment to a whole other day, which I would not have been happy about; and I actually consider my own appointment to be mildly urgent, but what the hey. As long as it's today, I can cope with that.

So, my gut pain went after about 48 hours. I guess it was just a bit of gastritis or something. AF is due in about 2 days, so I did a quick pee-on-a-stick just so I knew the result was negative prior to attending my appointment. (Good on me, I wasn't even disappointed by it, never got my hopes up too much this month, yay)

In related, annoying news... I always get sore boobs for almost exactly 7 days prior to the arrival of that bitch, and so far this month... I've got nuthin!! Which pisses me off a little, makes me wonder what my body is playing at. Grrr

Oh and lucky me, I have 2 days off work with a URTI (upper respiratory tract infection) and scored some antibiotics. Woo.

So.

More news later today. I hope.

Don't fool yourself

I've been feeling kinda average for the last 2.5 days. I've had this gut ache, like, right in my guts. Not really nauseous, but feel like maybe I would feel better if I could have a chuck. Mostly just an ache tho.

Of course, I've had the thought that maybe it could be because I could possibly be pregnant. *sigh* I'm trying super hard not to let myself think too much about that. I'm sure it's probably some form of gastritis, and I'll get over it in a day or so. Do not want to let my mind blow this out of proportion. Will only be disappointed again.


Aunt Flo is due in about a week...

6 sleeps left until my obstetrician appointment.

Gotta keep it together.

The results are in

Just got home from my appointment with my rheumatologist, Dr M. All went well, exactly as I expected (no, I'm not psychic, but I do have access to my blood results via the hospital pathology system). My Obstetrician, Dr J sent me to see him because I have had two 'weakly' positive blood tests to anti-nuclear antibodies, and he wanted to make sure that I didn't have some kind of autoimmune disorder such as lupus that was messing with my pregnancies.

I saw Dr M about 6 weeks ago, donated some more blood and urine, and have been waiting around for my followup appointment. Even though I knew he was going to say 'everything is normal, you can forget that you ever tested positive for ANAs, and I will refer you back to Dr J.' Dr M even gave me a copy of the letter that he has sent back to Dr J. The verdict is...

On examination, she is completely well. There are no clinical features of connective tissue disease, and her general physical examination is completely normal.

You hear that, ovaries and uterus? Completely normal!! How about you start acting that way!!!



So now there are only 7 more sleeps until I go back to see Dr J. FINALLY!! A light is at the end of this tunnel (not the exact light that I'd really like ie a baby, but a light nonetheless!) Dr J can call in the cavalry at long last and help me out!!!

God knows I can't do this by myself.

Getting away for a couple of days...

No, not me. My freakin husband. And I'm not happy about it!!

OK so, a few months ago (yes, months people, I gave him plenty of time) I asked D to speak to his manager and see if he could get a week off in October. I thought that it would be really good for us to have some time out, together, maybe get away for a couple of days or so. The two of us. Did he do anything about getting time off? No. He did not. And after asking him about it repeatedly, I then had to ask him again, when October was getting close. He decided that some of the other managers had already got in and had holidays in October, so he would not be able to. He has never officially asked, of course.

So last night, he casually asked me what I am working on Thurs/Fri this week. (Never mind the fact that my roster is on the calendar in the kitchen.) I am working. He said that he has decided that he needs to get away for a couple of days. So he is going to visit his friend who has recently moved to the country (a chick who I don't really like, even more perfect.)

I'm sorry, what month is this?? October???? The month that I requested his presence for the purposes of 'getting away for a couple of days??? I am so freakin mad. And I let him know it.

The least he could've done (since asking for time off was obviously in the too-hard-basket) was coordinate two days off with my days off (he does make the roster after all, it is surely not that difficult) so we could get away together for a night.

Thoughtless.



Anyway, today at work, was having a casual conversation with one of the older nurses, and seriously, the ENTIRE conversation, she kept glancing down at my guts. It was really pissing me off. Then finally, when I was about to leave, asked me when I was joining the 'baby club.' Um, about 4 years ago, would've been great actually, thanks for asking. At least I know that I haven't been totally forgotten in the baby-making department.

Woo.

Sisters in infertility

OK so my sister sent me an interesting text message today. Her and her husband have officially separated, and are getting divorced. Divorced people. And I get this in a text message??? Sorry, what?

Aside from all the other shitty things about divorcing, and being suddenly single at about-to-turn-thirty... My sister A has also had major issues with infertility. She had terrible endometriosis, she's miscarried about 7 times, maybe more. I have lost count, shame on me. Her husband had testicular cancer, and had one testicle removed. She has always been my sounding board, the one person that has some idea of what my life is like....

And obviously now she won't be even trying to get pregnant any time soon. I've lost her for now!!

How totally selfish of me, I know I know.

I mean, of course she still understands my feelings etc, but we won't be going through any struggles together, propping each other up anymore. And we always thought that somehow we would be pregnant together, well that's obviously off the cards.

Makes me all the more grateful that I found my little online therapy group. Thank god I can still vent to cyberspace :)

Baby boom

At work today, I was chatting to one of the girls who is a couple years younger than me, and got married last year. The topic got on to babies, and I asked her if her and her husband were planning to have kids. She said that she'd like to start trying soon, and her hubby wants to start trying at the end of the year, maybe next year. She said that 'heaps of girls' would be having babies next year, and she wants to be one of them.

Who's having babies? I wanted to know the goss. She then reeled off about six names of NICU nurses who plan to have a baby next year. Or at least get pregnant next year. All girls that have recently finished the post-grad course, recently married or getting married next year.

Please tell me that they won't all get knocked up in Jan/Feb, easy as you please, and leave me behind!!!

By the way, how come noone ever asks me anymore when I'm having babies? Do they just assume now that I'm infertile, or did they all get sick of asking? Have they all forgotten about me now and moved on to all the younger girls??? Seriously people, I'm not done with yet!!!!

And

what's the deal with ovulation sticks?? Every day that bloody line gets lighter, making me wish I'd never decided to start peeing on the bloody things at all. Does the vanishy line mean that I missed it????

Damn this.

Take your mark...

OK so D's team lost the grand final. Dammit. Now he's in a sucky mood. Grand Final was yesterday, today he's been super flat. This year was theirs, they've only lost one game all season (apart from the big one, yesterday. Which, by the way, sucked the big one. Their team played like rubbish.) He actually cried after the game. Do not tell him I told you. Big girly sobs, right on my shoulder. I really felt for him actually, he hasn't cried like that since we lost a baby!! Shows how passionate he is about the game I guess. But still...

Day 12 today, and peed on my ovulation stick... my test line is a teeny bit lighter than my control line... slight panic... what do I do?? Hope the line is a bit darker tomorrow?? Eeek!! I made D come and have a look at it, cos after our track record, I can't read lines on pregnancy tests anymore, (whether there's a second line there or not, I can always always see one there. It's a sickness, I'm aware of that) and this is kinda a similar test I guess.

So, the plan is, pee on another stick tomorrow, see how it compares to today. I've still got time I reckon seeing as I'm only day 12, and we've been 'storing' D's boys for 2 days, so another day will probably be just right... fingers crossed!

Oooh I bought D a bottle of multivitamins today, too. I've tried before, but I'm willing to try it again!! I've bought him a bottle of zinc pills in the past, to help the health of the 'boys', and pretty much the whole bottle full is still sitting in the cupboard. This time, I was sure to tell him how expensive the bottle was (even more costly than my Elevit, which I really should have shares in by now) and threw the bottle at him at dinnertime when I was having my multivit. It's yet another uncertainty in our lives, but I have a little more control of this one lol

And I'm super excited, cos I bought the book that I was after "Invitro Fertility Goddess", which is written by an Aussie chick who ended up almost going completely insane trying to get pregnant at age 37. It's really funny, and I can totally relate to the way she's feeling, which I think makes it better as well. Anyhoo, it arrived in the mail on Thursday, yay!! I should never have taken it to work with me tho... I really should have learnt by now that when I'm on night shift, it's always a busy night when I take a book... why did I do that to myself??? Anyways, so far it's awesome, so I'm super happy that it arrived :)

All set...

Well I'm all set for our last month of trying before referral time!! Got me a brand new set of ovulation sticks, and one pregnancy test :) No pressure...

I'm pretty bummed that we haven't been able to do this ourselves to be honest. All modesty aside, I've always been good at everything that I've wanted to be good at. Except this! And I feel powerless about it. Grrr I guess I like to have control. This isn't the way my life was supposed to be!! I should have a 3 year old by now. And maybe another little one. I should be chasing kids around on my days off, not sitting at the computer with all the time in the world! *deep breath* Only 1 more month till I get to see John again. Thank goodness for that.

Footy finals

Well, D's team made the Grand Final in the AFL again this year, so he is pumped. Yay!! Now I just hope that they can win again, like they did last year, cos my Day 14 is right around Grand Final Day, and I want him to be happy and in the mood!! lol Go Cats!!

In church today, the service was offered up for a young bloke in our parish who was killed a couple of weeks ago (Father's Day) after he was bashed outside a nightclub, and his parents had to turn off his life support. I didn't know him personally, but his brother was in classes with me at high school, we graduated together. For some reason, I couldn't keep it together today, every time they mentioned his name, I got all teared up. Apparently mum did too, and she had no idea why. I'm not sure if I was getting her energy, or she was getting mine. Anyway, the thought crossed my mind, if I'm this blubbery when I'm not on hormones, how bad will I be if we end up doing IVF?? omg watch out!!!

Countdown is on... Last month of trying!!!

Why is the chocolate all gone??

Dammit.


I wonder if it's weird that I'm excited that it's finally less than 4 weeks until I get to see my obstetrician again? Seems like forever since I had the laparascope, and got the appointment. It has in fact only been about 6 weeks. How could it feel like so much longer?? Anyway, I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel now that it's less than a month away.

So seeing as good ol Flo came to visit, I'm now officially in my last month of trying before I get my IVF referral. Some mixed emotions...

I think the main feeling is kinda relief. Cos almost 4 years later, I'm just not so sure that I can do this myself anymore. And now that I know there's help coming for sure if we need it, I guess I feel a little relieved. It'll be more or less out of our hands.

I'm also feeling nervous. I mean, we don't exactly have the best track record at baby making, and any time I get pregnant I feel incredibly nervous about losing it. I would super-hate to go through all the trouble of IVF, and then lose that too.

When John (my obstetrician) told me that he'd refer us for IVF if we hadn't got pregnant by my next appointment, I told my closest friends. Of course then they wanted to know what is involved in IVF, and I had no idea to be honest! I'd never looked into it. John had always said that it wasn't an option for us, because getting pregnant was never our problem. Anyhoo, I checked out the website of the IVF place in our area, and it was fab. I spent hours on there, reading all the info and advice and stuff. And I felt so empowered afterwards!! Of course, I realise that it's no walk in the park, but at least now I know what it's all about.

I told mum that I'd looked up all that info, and she just turns around and tells me that I 'won't need that.' She seems to think that there's been something in me mentally that's been stopping me from getting pregnant, cos maybe I wasn't ready, or I was scared. Bless her, I love her to pieces but she drives me crazy sometimes!!! I told her that if she's at all interested in learning about IVF, check the website out. I doubt if she will, cos she's clearly convinced that we don't need it.

So the official countdown is now on!!!

Here's to our last month of trying before it's referal time :)

Chocolate and snuggles

Got my period today (hence, I'm sitting here eating chocolate... realised today that's maybe why I always put on about half a kilo when I get my period lol) A little later than I expected, but then again I thought it might me. Cos I had the laparoscopy at the end of July, I wasn't sure what my cycle would be upto this month. Anyway it's here. Bummer.

For the first time EVER today, I was 'clucky' at work. Whoa! I work in a NICU (neonatal intensive care) and SCN (special care nursery). So I'm surrounded by babies all day long. A LOT of babies :) But they're all in there cos they're sick or premature, and that's not what I'd ideally like, so I've never really been 'clucky' before at work.

Until today.

'Gorgeous Giorgios' (only the 'Giorgios' part is his actual name, but the 'Gorgeous' part IS accurate!) a 2.4kg little boy who was heading home today, had wet through his entire bed! Being the nice nurse that I am (and modest) I was changing him for the nurses in that room. After changing his jumpsuit, I was holding Giorgios in my left hand while changing the bed with my right. His little head fell slightly, and was resting against the side of my jawbone. Little fella smelt so nice, and it was such a lovely little snuggle!! I paused in my bedmaking for a moment, and just thought "I want one of these!!" *sigh*

Maybe it was the hormones of the day. Maybe it's my issue with waiting, and being sick to death of it. Maybe it's just cos he's a cute, snuggly little baby who caught me off guard :)

Found this on another blogger's page and love it.

Totally relates to life, and how you can do something about your situation, not just be unhappy about it.


Don't curse the darkness. Light a candle.... I'm doing my best.

Book shopping. And waiting.

Book Shopping

I stopped at the shopping centre on the way home from work today, and I thought I might as well pop in to the book shop while I was there. I'm after a copy of Invitro Fertility Goddess, and since my credit card never actually has any credit on it, I thought an actual shop would be more successful than shopping online.

How hard is it to find a book about infertility??

First of all, I had no ideas which section to look in. I started in that section with all the baby books (how logical) I think that section is called "Family". Plenty of books about Fertility, getting pregnant, sex, baby names. But nothing about infertility, certainly not about IVF. Maybe the Health section? No. Biography? No. Non fiction??? I ended up looking through every section in the book shop, except non fiction, and children's books. And still left empty handed.

Grrr


Waiting


A more recent phenomena of mine is... I'm so tired of waiting!!!!

OK I had a laparascope at the end of August. It was just to make sure all my bits are still where they're supposed to be, cos I had an ectopic removed in May last year, and haven't managed to get pregnant again since then. And I still haven't had my post-op appt with my gynae, J (whom I love with all my heart *sigh* ) J wanted to see me 2 months post op, so that I had time to recover and have another cycle or two. And if I'm not pregnant by that appointment, he will refer us to IVF. Of course no appointments were available for 2 months post op, so I'm waiting for like, 10 weeks!!! Feels like forever to me!! Finally there are only 4 weeks left, but it feels like that appointment is never coming.

Meanwhile, I have a followup appointment next Tuesday with my (newly aquainted) Rheumatologist, to check the results of the millions of blood tests I had a few weeks ago (mostly checking for antibodies, as I was positive a couple of times for the very exciting anti nuclear antibody (ANA). Anyways, on my way home from work, the clinic rang to push my appointment back 2 weeks cos the doctors will be away.... That's fine actually, cos I had my blood tests done at the hospital I work at, and I already know all the results, and they're all fine :)

But more waiting!!!!

Coming out...

I know some people's stories are longer than ours. But still, it's too lengthy to really get into right now, so allow me to summarise...

I am 28, D is 30. We got married in 2000, I was almost 21. We had things to do before having kids, I was about to graduate from University with my Nursing degree, we didn't have a big enough house for my liking, and there definitely had to be some overseas travel prior to starting a brood.

We began TTC in late 2004. Gave the pill the flick, got down to business and... success! Only 1 month of trying, and we were pregnant! At 11 weeks, discovered I had had a missed miscarriage. Had a D&C in March '05. Put that down to bad luck, got back to trying. January '06, first trimester miscarriage, followed by another first trimester m/c in May '06. Took a while to get pregnant the next time, made it to the 6 weeks ultrasound, then discovered it was an ectopic. Laparascopic removal, with D&C in May '07.

And nothing since...

We've just recently completed our barrage of testing, and come up with nothing to write home about. D's sperm was 'a little sluggish', but he was sick at the time which apparently makes your boys a little more reluctant than usual. So on the whole... normal.

Until very recently, I considered us 'trying to get pregnant.' It was recently pointed out to me that we are technically 'infertile.' I'm coming to terms with this label.

A few months ago I started to write about our experience in my journal. I find it kind of therapeutic to get it out there.

And after reading quite a few of other women's blogs, I have decided to take the plunge, and blog a bit too... It may not be exciting. It may get no hits. That's ok. It's not for everyone else.

It's for me.